Celebrity Bullsh*t: 2011's Greatest Gifts of All
Celebrities are nothing if not consistent. In an unstable world where it is difficult to rely on anything and anyone, famous people will always be there for us…as complete, unmitigated disasters. Celebrity fuck-ups and embarrassments are our constant, Desmond-style. And, dammit, we need to thank them for that.
Every year, celebrities give us something to celebrate. 2011 was, in fact, a year.
Melissa Leo’s Oscar campaign
This was pretty much the embarrassment to which I was referring. Melissa Leo, as an actress past a certain age, needed a leg up on her competitors in the world of film this year. So…she did…this. It was awkward. You know, it sucks that because someone is over 40 and a character actress, they are put in the position to need to throw on a fur coat and stand by a pool, or weirdly bend over like Liz Lemon attempting to be sexy, but apparently that’s what the Hollywood machine does to you. At least it didn’t hurt her chances—she won. In spite of herself.
Blake Lively’s got game
Look, I still think this whole thing was an orchestrated maneuver on the part of Blake Lively and her people. But photos like the above make it much, much more well-orchestrated than I’d anticipated. And I will give her this—bitch is good. I mean, really good. Her PR people are actually amazing. Imagine what they could do with someone interesting. First, she fabricated an affair with Affleck (I choose to believe it was 100% fabricated because Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms). Then came Leo, taking the first break from model poon in his entire career to fall madly in alleged love with the chick from “Gossip Girl.” Then, her people made it look like she dumped him (!) and now she’s with Ryan Reynolds, getting papped (it’s cute when people think paparazzi just show up places without being alerted by the starlet being photographed) with his dog and hanging out with his family. Blake, I salute you. You are literally no more interesting or talented, and your career will die with a whimper by 2013. But, dammit, you’re good.
Bieber baby mama drama
Guys. I loved this story. I loved it so much. I wanted to have a baby with it and name that baby Tristyn. But, like most encounters of this nature with men younger than 22, it went flaccid fast. Mariah Yeater’s story was poked with more holes than the pocketed condom of a vastly superior gold digger, and we were left in a world where Justin Bieber did not tell a random girl that he was going to “fuck the shit out of” her. 2012, the pressure is on. Make it happen.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s baby mama drama
It is really hard to believe that this all just happened this year, but it did. Yes, 2011 was the year we learned that Arnold had secret maid babies. His camp attempted to slut shame and humiliate Mildred Baena (leaking “scandalous” Halloween costume photos, alerting the media that she was a Maria Shriver wannabe) but the damage was done. Well, temporarily. He’ll be fine. The men ones always are. Cut to Meg Ryan crying in the corner, per usual.
Kim Kardashian’s wedding, divorce and child slave labor
I tried really hard to make you admit you care about this. This was more successful than you’d like to fess, which warmed my heart cockles in ways you can’t imagine. First, Kim Kardashian had a stupid expensive wedding. Then, two months later, she had a stupid divorce. This was all only shocking in that they actually thought they could get away with it. Luckily, their fans are dumb enough that they pretty much did. Then, news came that their clothing line is made in sweatshops by child labor. This basically ruined Kathie Lee Gifford, but, again, you forget how dumb the fanbase of our plucky Kardashians really is. The cute one got pregnant and made everything okay! Yay! I hope their inevitable fade comes with at least six more really embarrassing stories.
Courtney Stodden, Doug Hutchison and our waning cultural purity
I don’t want to talk about it anymore. It makes me tired and squicky.
Lindsay Lohan…was typical
Lindsay is my rock. She gives us at least monthly drama and fuck-uppery and I love her for it. She is such a shitbag, but she’s enough of a dipshit entitled douche about it that I don’t feel sorry for her. It’s perfect. We had court battles, disappearing passports just in time for court battles (the second or third time she’s pulled this), shady married guys, totally doing coke in front of windows of the homes of shady married guys, Playboy shoots, other Playboy shoots because the first one was awful, leaked Playboy photos because she couldn’t not leak her fucking pictures despite them paying her nearly a million dollars to not do that and so much more. She’s magical. Like a cokey, orange unicorn.
Charlie Sheen was…ah, piss it
NO MORE ATTENTION FOR YOU.
That pretty much sums up 2011. Other stuff happened, but it didn’t matter, because these people were more famouser. Happy New Year, bitches.