My dear companions in judgement, my fellow snarkoisseurs, it’s my pleasure to introduce a new Pajiba game in which we take quotes from celebrities’ current promo tour interviews and pit them against each other in a battle of stupidity.
Welcome to Who Said It Worst? (Cue studio audience applause and peppy theme song!)
Todays contestants are:
With a 20-year career in saying dumb things in interviews, Diaz is the favored contestant. She’s currently on a promo tour for her upcoming film, The Other Woman, and has a whole lot of thoughts on womanhood, turning 40, and monogamy.
Dunst isn’t doing the full circuit promoting a specific project, but she has been doing more interviews than usual. And it’s been a goldmine of dumb comments.
So whose remarks makes your face hit your desk hardest? Let’s play the game!
First topic: Love and Marriage!
A lot of people chase after [marriage] because they’ve been told, ‘This equals happiness. They chase it, they get it, and then they find out, ‘Why did I think this was going to make me happy? I’m miserable.’ …I don’t know if anyone is really naturally monogamous. We all have the same instincts as animals. But we live in a society where it’s been ingrained in us to do these things.
I feel like the feminine has been a little undervalued. We all have to get our own jobs and make our own money, but staying at home, nurturing, being the mother, cooking - it’s a valuable thing my mum created. And sometimes, you need your knight in shining armour. I’m sorry. You need a man to be a man and a woman to be a woman. That’s why relationships work…”
Verdict: Two women making broad, blanket statements applying their opinions to all relationships. But Dunst out-dumbs Diaz here, no contest, with her antiquated, heteronormative dribble. Point: Dunst.
Second round topic: Sleeping With People You Shouldn’t
Everyone has been cheated on, everyone will be cheated on. I can’t fix that, I don’t know how, I don’t have any judgment on anybody, I don’t know how to fix the problem.
On whether she’s ever had a director make sexual advances towards her.
I don’t give off that vibe. I think that you court that stuff, and to me it’s crossing a boundary that would hinder the trust in your working relationship.
Hmm, I don’t know if a big shrug is the best response to infidelity, but Dunst’s claim that women who get harassed bring it upon themselves is so far over the line of sanity, it’s obvious: Point: Dunst
Things are not looking good for Cameron Diaz. She’s going to need to up the crazy if she wants to win this.
Final Round: Below the Belt
(This quote is actually from her new book on healthy living.)
Pubic hair serves as a pretty draping that makes it a little mysterious to the one who might be courting your sexiness. Pubes keep the goods private, which can entice a lover to come and take a closer look at what you have to offer.
Have you ever heard of Free City sweats? They’re sweatpants, but very, very comfortable. I can get very comfortable.
Verdict: It’s hard to pin down what exactly is so dumb about Dunst’s sweatpants quote. Is it the product placement of $150 sweatpants in an interview? Is it the use of the word “but,” as if most sweatpants are designed to NOT be comfortable. I’m not sure, but I think it beats out Diaz’s come-hither pube view. Point: Dunst!
It’s a total shut out! Kirsten Dunst is our winner on Who Said It Worst?
Vivian Kane is very confused by this new Cameron Diaz. Is she kind of great now? Is that what’s happening?