Calm Down. George Clooney Is OK

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | July 10, 2018 |

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | July 10, 2018 |

We have some unfortunate news to share with you today, but just let me get this out of the way first: George Clooney is going to be OK. He’s gonna be just fine. Don’t be alarmed. Everything is going to be fine. OK, OK? Don’t worry about the fact that George Clooney is trending on Twitter. No, no no no no no. Ignore those notifications from the Associated Press on your phone about Clooney. HE’S FINE. HE’S FINE. It’s all going to be OK. Just calm down.

Just wait a second, Karen! I’m trying to explain. If you just give me a minute, I’ll tell you what happened. OK? OK! Take a deep breath. There you go. Get that heart rate back to normal. It’s gonna be fine. George Clooney is just fine.

JESUS KAREN. Get off my case. I’m trying to explain. I just wanted you to know that there was nothing to worry about. That George Clooney is not dead.

NO KAREN, he’s not almost dead either. Just sit down, and let me explain, OK? Don’t be so alarmist. GOD. Why are you freaking the fuck out? It’s not like you personally know George Clooney or anything. I know you loved him in E.R., oh, and remember that movie with Nicole Kidman? Yeah, yeah. The Peacemaker. Totally underrated movie. You know that Mimi Leder directed that, don’t you? Yeah. The one who directed all those great episodes of The Leftovers. Fantastic director. Should’ve had a huge career, but you know. Boy’s club and all that. I mean, it’s not like it was Leder’s fault the movie struggled at the box office. Clooney was coming off of Batman and Robin and wasn’t exactly Mr. Popular at the time. And Kidman’s last major movie at the time was Batman Forever, so you know, there was that Batman curse and everything. And you know that Leder’s Deep Impact was better than that piece of shit Armageddon. What’s that? Oh yeah. Pay it Forward. That was lousy. That might have been a little bit Leder’s fault, too. But it wasn’t enough to keep her from directing another major feature film again. It’s been friggin’ 18 years. How many years did Colin Trevorrow have to wait after Book of Henry before he got another major gig again? What’s that? He’s directing Jurassic World 3? Well, exactly!

Oh yeah! What were we talking about? Clooney! Yes. Oh, yeah, so he was in a motorcycle accident. No big deal. I guess he was riding his motorcycle to the set of his film in Italy and ran into another car. I mean, he had to go to the hospital and everything, but by the time that the press had sniffed it all out, Clooney had already escaped through the side exit. He’s probably in a little pain, but I don’t think anything is broken. It’ll probably make a great story on the late-night talk shows whenever he’s promoting his next movie. But he’s fine. Totally fine.

We should really revisit The Peacemaker, though. I need to see if it holds up as well as I remember.