Friends, another day, another Bradley Cooper dating update. What a whirlwind summer for him, right? He’s been seen out and about with Laura Dern, Anna Wintour, and rumored to be dating Jennifer Garner, but he moves fast, so who knows?!
At this point, it seems like a safe bet to try to winnow out people he’s not dating and then try to hone in on who he is—aka a process of elimination. So, with that in mind, I’m happy to share with you that we are fairly confident over here at DateCoop, that Coop-a-loop (that’s what I call him when I’m feeling feisty) is not, I repeat, not dating Jodie Turner-Smith.
How do we know that? Well, she’s been rumored to have just gotten a marriage license to wed Pacey Witter, also known as Joshua Jackson. (RIP.)
“But, Kate, this could all be a long-game between Cooper, Jackson, and Turner-Smith!” you might cry! And to that, I say, “YES, you finally get it. I have taught you well. Soon the student will become the master, and we’ll have to fight to the death like Highlanders because there can only be one.” Don’t worry, that day hasn’t come upon us… yet. There’s still time.
Here’s the real scoop in all of this: Jodie Turner-Smith is very pretty and is going to star in Queen and Slim, a movie that looks good but also, very stressful.
Naturally, I will have to get all the spoilers from people before I finally watch it in my living room, with the lights on, and the ability to mute the TV, because everyone knows that the best way to deal with a stressful scene you don’t want to watch is to mute it.
The real point of this is that you can safely cross her off the Bradley Cooper date list, as her dance card is full up, already.
You’re probably wondering what this has to do with Katy Perry? Well, if you’ve been paying attention to the psychic updates I’ve been vibrating out to you all week, you’d know that it was Bradley Cooper (with an assist from Oprah) who got Ms. Perry out of a dinghy that she needed to get out of over the weekend. So naturally, he hasn’t had time to pursue Ms. Turner-Smith before she walks down the aisle with Pacey because he was tied up with Katy Perry, OK!? You following me, now?
The next question you’re probably asking yourself is: What does this all mean?
Well, friends, all I can speculate at this time is that Bradley Cooper knows something we don’t, and perhaps Katy Perry is the key to staving off an imminent mole people attack—perhaps her music will either collectively bring humanity together to fight off the attack, together, or repel the mole people from coming above ground this time.
Anyway, this has been your Get in the Loop with… Coop! update. Until next time.
Header Image Source: Getty