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Blake Lively Announces Pregnancy in the Most Unctuous Way Imaginable

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | October 6, 2014 |

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | October 6, 2014 |

I’m glad Anne Hathaway seems to be making an effort to be less desperate in her attempts to get people to like her, because that allows us to focus more of our attention on Blake Lively, whose Preserve website has taken the Gwyneth Paltrow brand of obnoxiousness, cranked it up to 11, tore off the knob, and used the knob to adorn an expensive, useless trivet that hangs forever unused on the wall behind the oven.

Who are these people who read things like Preserve and relate, and when will they get over themselves? You know what it is? It’s gloating. It’s unctuous, public displays of gloating. It’s people bragging about how wealthy and blissful they are by creating illusions that do not — that CAN NOT — exist in real life. It’s a made-up fairy tale.

Anyway, in announcing her pregnancy, Lively writes with the purplest of prose:

With family on our mind, we looked to the origin of it all—to the women in our lives who are right there, at that special moment; at the creation of family.

Today we celebrate them. With food to fill their tummies (as if that needs more filling), presents to soothe their tired (and swollen) soles, toys to warm their baby’s souls, projects to provoke them, and decorations to inspire creativity and merriment in all.

We had too much fun with this. Because there’s so much to share, we break up our first ever Preserve Celebration into multiple parts. In the upcoming days we will bring even more treats and fun. The entire next month will be sprinkled with highlights for women in this exciting chapter of their lives.


What follows is a photographic collage of a picturesque fall picnic that will make you WANT TO PUKE ALL OVER YOUR CONVERSE ALL STARS. The collage ends with this photo:


You have got to be kidding me? My eyes just rolled so hard into the back of my head that I could actually see an outline of Jesus in my brain folds.


And is this Ryan Reynolds? A guy who looks like Ryan Reynolds? Ryan Reynolds’ brother? Or Ryan Reynolds baked out of his head pretending to be an earnest farm boy?

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What the fuck, people? What the fuck?

Source: Preserve

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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