Kids are the worst. And that’s why today on CABTY, it’s children’s hour. Because I will fix them. Oh yes. I will fix them.
Look, there was a dark time in my life called the early to mid-90s. And in that time, I was profoundly ready to give my soul to a floppy-haired boy by the name of Jonathan Taylor Thomas (um, real fans know he hated being called JTT). So, kids, I get it. But, seriously, sit the fuck down for a minute. Aunt Courtney needs to talk to you.
Someday, my sugary honeybunnies, your taste in music will either evolve or it won’t. Someday, your tiny little minds will either be able to appreciate real talent or it won’t. Regardless, you’ll still be the same dipshit who defaced a talented artist’s Wikipedia page because your tiny still unpubescent overlord lost an award he didn’t deserve.
This is not to say you’re wrong for your loving feelings. I have a very vivid memory of a girl in my dance class crying because Peter Fonda beat Leonardo DiCaprio for the Golden Globe during the Titanic craze. There was nothing wrong with her love of Leo, particularly in retrospect, but it’s all about relativism. Leo’s great, but tiny babychild Leo running around a boat screaming “Rose” more times than he said the words “the” or “an” versus Peter Fonda wasn’t exactly a horrific awards upset. Tiny babychild Bieber dancing, admittedly formidably, while singing in his precious tiny babychlid voice versus this was not something personal against you.
So, with that, let’s get to the Wikipedia thing.
If we’re running on averages here, you are 12. You’re a full fledged person. You are too old for dumb stuff like this. By 13 or so, I was busy having my life changed by Fiona Apple. If and/or when the modern-day facsimile happens to you, you will feel very stupid. If it doesn’t, I wish you very much luck in your future of putting “anything i cn dance 2!” as your Facebook favorite music selection well into your 30s and owning lots of tops from Wet Seal.
I’m not mad. I’m disappointed. And if I am disappointed in you for anything, it’s your complete lack of skill regarding the hack. You made her middle name “Quesadilla”? You can’t spell “retard”? You’re worthless.
Kids, you are growing up in a time of the internet majority, meaning your entire age group has been raised to feel that your opinions are interesting and deserving of being heard.
I assure you, you are incorrect in that assumption. Get smarter, use your words, and open yourself to a world outside the Biebs. Now here, have a Werther’s hard candy.