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Ariana Grande Blames America On the Fact That She's a Terrible Person

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | July 9, 2015 |

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | July 9, 2015 |

You can kick my ass, call me out on Facebook, or insult my mother, and I would be more likely to forgive you than if you licked my goddamn donuts. Who even does that?

Ariana Grande, that’s who. If you haven’t seen it yet, it’s probably because you have no idea who Ariana Grande is. She was on Nickelodeon, and last year, I forced myself to learn about her show Sam & Cat after it was cancelled allegedly due to Grande’s sexy selfies.

Anyway, TMZ caught her bizarre behavior at a donut shop the other day, where she was videotaped licking the donuts while the cashier wasn’t looking. She also exclaimed at the size of the donuts, “I hate America!” (Note: The size of our donuts is one of the reasons to LOVE America).

So, uh, gross.

Anyway, she apologized, like everyone celebrity does when they are caught, saying something to the effect of “obesity in America made me do it.”

Whatever. Complain about the donuts all you want, lady, but don’t lick them, lady. Jesus, have some goddamn respect (this issue speaks to me IN MY HEART because my father used to wake up at midnight every day to make donuts and then work a register until closing at noon so that AMERICA could fuel themselves until lunch).

Anyway, Grande has subsequently been dropped (and replaced by Demi Lovato) as the singer of the MLB All Star game (though, it reportedly has nothing to do with her hating America, and more to do with her oral surgery).

Nevertheless, the LA Times (yes, this goes ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP) is reporting that authorities are now investigating Grande for “maliciously licking” the donuts. Meanwhile, the California donut shop is apparently not without responsibility, either, as they are also being investigated for leaving their products out and uncovered so that any heathen Nickelodeon star could come along at any moment and spread her saliva across their confections.

This is serious business, guys. I say lock her ass up and throw away the key.

Source: Associated Press via THR

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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