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Apology Not Accepted: Let's Burn Ryan Reynolds at the Stake

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | July 9, 2015 |

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | July 9, 2015 |

Can you guys believe the sheer hutzpah of Ryan Reynolds, the bearded wonder whose stomach muscles are so firm and tight that Blake Lively probably spends her evenings drinking fine wine from the tributaries of his six-pack? Look at this photo of him that his wife posted to Instagram. LOOK AT IT.

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You see what’s wrong, don’t you? I mean, it’s obvious to anyone with half a brain that the blobby pink mass inside of it is not secured properly! THAT CHILD IS IN DANGER. What if Baby James fell through before R-Squared caught him with his strong, nimble hands and the baby landed on a pile of jagged rocks? What if the baby suffocated in between backpack and Reynolds’ rock-hard abs? How would he even know, he’s so busy grinning like an idiot because of his stupid love for his newborn child, love so intoxicating that it prevented him from reading the 38-page instruction manual written in six languages detailing how to properly hold a baby in a carrier.

Obviously, after the photo was posted, the Instagram police tore him a new one for improperly strapping that baby into the backpack and up against that manly alabaster he calls a chest. The shame ran deep, and rightfully so!

The new father took to the Today show yesterday and delivered a very carefully worded apology clearly written by a PR professional in order to quiet the unrest on Instagram.

‘I’m a first-time dad, and that is not the first mistake I’ve made. I can guarantee you it won’t be last. I’d never used that particular carrier before. Every other time has been perfect.’

Every other time? Isn’t that exactly what a bad father would say? You don’t get second chances in parenting, Ryan. It only takes one second to ruin your child’s entire life. Imagine what would’ve happened if the baby had slipped through and Double-Rs wasn’t quick enough to grasp James into his masculine pectoral muscles? Does he not realize how close to tragedy he was? Thank God Twitter and Instagram were around to shame Reynolds into correcting his behavior.

Personally, I don’t think the apology is enough. I think child services should be called in and the authorities should be alerted, and we should stop at nothing short of a full investigation. Thank God he doesn’t have a daughter, otherwise he might wipe up instead of down while changing her diaper, and put her at risk for a urinary tract infection. And then what? AND THEN WHAT?

Update: It has come to my attention that Baby James is, in fact, a girl and and not a boy, as the good Lord had intended when naming the KING James Bible. I apologize for this confusion, but I am now even more fearful of the complexities involved in changing his daughter’s diaper and the dangers clearly presented.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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