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An Open Letter To Par*s Hilt*n

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | September 7, 2010 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | September 7, 2010 |

Dear Par*s,

You have now been a part of our lives for the better part of a decade. And out of the gate, you were a festering sore on the face of American society. The very picture of excess, boredom, vapidity, ignorance, lack of education, lack of skill, lack of effort, and lack of class. You were kicked out of high school for being worthless, you were slapped on the tabloids for being worthless, and then you managed to turn your worthlessness into a billion-dollar career of being worthless.

In the last year or two, we’ve seen less and less of you. This has been cause for celebration. But then in the past few months, we’ve been unable to get away from you. It started with new photos of you flashing your Valtrex zone at various nightclubs. You were arrested, then released, after being caught with weed at the World Cup. Then you were detained, and released, with weed while traveling to Corsica. Finally, you were arrested, then released, but are still facing charges for cocaine possession.

Each time, you pulled the “it wasn’t mine” card (“it was totally gum, you guys!”), popularized by one Lindsay Lohan (“they totally weren’t my pants, you guys!”), and it worked the first two times. Knowing how LA law works, which is to say nothing like Harry Hamlin and Jimmy Smits made it seem, it will probably work this time, too.

Your complete and total disinterest in responsibility, adulthood, or being a contributing member of society makes it very easy for me to state the following:

You are the world’s worst person.

People will read this and think, “Courtney, you are overreacting. There’s murderers, rapists and awful abusive excuses for human beings out there. Par*s isn’t even in the top 50.” And while I agree with them that those people are evil and terrible and should be destroyed, they don’t have people that want to be like them. They don’t have a slew of equally popular copycats in their wake.

You started the whole “famous for being famous” thing. People often blame the late Anna Nicole Smith for this, as it was her E! reality series that really started the “Celebreality” culture we now find ourselves in. The difference between the two of you is at least Anna had a job at some point. You created the concept of cutting out the middleman (read: work and/or exertion of energy and relative skill) and just being famous. This of course has lead to the current state of celebrity, where a totally decent Drew Barrymore movie opened this weekend to minor duckets while millions of people tune into that Jersey Shore shitshow on a weekly basis and eschew anything with a script in favor of finding out what really boring thing the Kardashians did this week. Spoiler! I bet it was boring.

Little girls don’t want to grow up and be Jeffrey Dahmer. They want to be Snooki. And you did this.

When you started out as a filthy waste of life, you were 19. A lot of us were kind of assholes at 19. It was pretty easy to write you off as another idiot rich girl, raised to feel “special” but never taught it was important or necessary to do anything to deserve the word. Now you are 29 years old. Now it’s just pathetic.

Go the fuck away, Par*s. You are a disease, and your disease has spread to the point where now your disease-created diseases are capable of spreading their own disease (just ask Laurence and Montana Fishburne).

You’ve done enough damage, and guess what, now that damage matters more than you. And you will die a dried up old joke who never mattered to anyone except slutty 12-year-olds and Harvey Levin. Disappear.

xoxo, lylas!

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