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An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan and Oprah

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | August 19, 2013 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | August 19, 2013 |

Dear Lindsicles,

Last night, your interview with Oprah premiered. It was pretty much par for the course for you—softballs with half or deflected answers, and no real push for accountability or more than the standard, pat responses you’ve given time and time again. I don’t know why I expected more. But, at the very least, you know how to give the right answers. And, I hope, I really do hope, that maybe this time you meant them.

I really do wish good things for you, Lindsay. I do. You’ve been a giant mess of a child your whole life, and I hope, under the booming bosoms of Oprah Winfrey, you make a change. Or, that you want to make a change. Because, and this is a major possibility, you could just be doing this, AGAIN, because you know that if you don’t, you don’t stand a chance. That if you don’t at least appear contrite, no one will hire you for anything more than the shitshows you’ve been grabbing paychecks off for the past six years or so. It’s Lifetime movies and porn stars from here on out.

Now, let’s be real here—no one believes you about only doing coke “10 to 15 times.” I believe you probably remember only 10 to 15 times, but it’s probably a lot more. And, the issue may be one of specificity here, because perhaps you smoked it, or engaged in what the kids call a crack rock or a meth…thing. Whatever you call what you do with meth. But, regardless, drinking was not your sole problem and we all know it. And that’s fine. Most of alcoholics are not merely alcoholics; they’re general addicts, addicted to anything that makes them feel different. You don’t have to be honest with us; but, be honest with yourself.

And, finally, don’t fuck with Oprah. If you aren’t doing this for reasons entirely on the up and up, that bitch’ll turn coat on you fast. Ever heard of James Frey? Yeah.

I haven’t been your biggest supporter. I still wouldn’t say that I am. But, if you really want to get better, I hope you do. I hope your life is better after all of this.

Dear Oprah,

Not unlike Cher Horowitz before you, you have taken this broken bird of a project under your stronger, more fabulous wings. And I can’t decide if this is honorable and goodly, or a massive ratings grab for your flagging network. Maybe both. Probably both. Either way, I guess, be careful. Because one of two possibilities exists here:

1) You’ve taken in a desperately ill person and are attempting to give her the tools to create a better life for herself. Which is great, but, if only Oprah can save you, what do you do when Oprah isn’t around to save you, when Oprah’s saving other people, like African schoolgirls, or John Travolta after a bad hair graft. This is a massive undertaking. At least, it should be a massive undertaking. And, if you’re not all in, it doesn’t end well for either of you.

2) You’ve taken a failure of a human being, neither addict nor unwell person, and given her her 85th chance at fame and public attention. This doesn’t end well for either of you, either.

Let’s roll the dice and see how this goes, ladies. Good luck to both of you. You’ll need it.

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