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Amy Schumer Is Totally Dating a Jake Ryan

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | January 6, 2016 |

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | January 6, 2016 |

Like, OH MY GOD, you remember how Molly Ringwald ended up with Jake Ryan at the end of Sixteen Candles, but Jake Ryan was played by an actor named Michael Schoeffling who totally quit acting to move to the backwoods of Pennsylvania to become a furniture maker? And now because Jake Ryan was the dreamiest dreamboat of all the 80’s dreamboats, every woman’s secret desire is to marry Jake Ryan and sit on his custom made furniture because of sandalwood and coarse hands and tiny callouses and tools?

Like, you know Lynn Shelton, the coolest of all the cool indie directors, who directed Touchy Feely and some other mumblecore things that only half of you have never heard of even though they’re so great? She totally married Kevin Seal, who used to be a MTV VJ, but he decided to go into furniture making, too, although he eventually had to quit that to be a stay-at-home dad for their disabled child but whatever! He was a Jake Ryan for a hot minute.

The point is, Jake Ryan is dreamy and now Amy Schumer has her own Jake Ryan only his name is Ben Hanish, and he’s also a furniture maker and also a dreamboat who was not on Sixteen Candles but Amy Schumer is totally his Molly Ringwald.

Awww. Look at them being adorable. Here they are being adorable with normals.

Casablanca @benhanisch @kimcaramele Jasy #stopgunviolence

A photo posted by @amyschumer on

And here he is saying dreamboat things about his new girlfriend who is not Molly Ringwald, but totally better because I bet everyone remembers her birthday.

And here is an 18-foot Georgoa O’Keefe vagina table he made out of wood.

Here is an 18ft conference table from a few weeks ago.

A photo posted by benhanisch (@benhanisch) on

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.