This week has already been a big week for celeb gossip on the 50 Shades of Grey cast front. TMZ seriously dropped the ball by reporting that Dakota Johnson was expecting a child with Coldplay’s Chris Martin, which was quickly proven to be bullshit. TMZ are craven vultures and pro-Trump misogynist defenders but they’re usually pretty solid on reporting this sort of breaking news. After all, it was getting the Mel Gibson DUI story before anyone else that made them a legitimate gossip force. Not that there anything to mourn here. TMZ can choke.
The more conventional gossip came with the news that Amelia Warner, the actress and musician who is married to Jamie Dornan, is most likely pregnant with their third child. Warner has appeared in films like Aeon Flux and Quills - my favourite film ever! - but is probably best known for her indie music and film composer work (as well as being briefly non-legally binding married to Colin Farrell). She’s had to deal with a lot since her husband got cast as Christian Grey, from over-zealous fans to old-school jealousy and indignation over the reality of their fantasy man being happily married with kids to a very lovely woman who isn’t them or Dakota Johnson.
Others have, of course, taken this further. Don’t they always? Yes, there are Damie shippers. Move over, Robsten. The conspiracies are the same as they usually are with this kind of real person tinhatting - evil PR is involved but Jamie is secretly cohabiting with Dakota, he only stays with Amelia for the sake of the kids but she’s an evil harpy shrew trying to ruin his life, and all of this is super obvious but only the true geniuses, a.k.a. the handful of middle-aged women who have read 50 Shades of Grey 67 times, see the truth.
So with the news that baby Dornan number 3 is coming along and won’t have Melanie Griffith as a grandmother, you can imagine how nicely they all reacted to this news.
D& J will always be Damie! I don’t care if he has 50 kids w that woman. He luvs her like the mother of his children but not with his entire heart & soul. Actions speak louder than words! & I don’t see or feel any action w J & A! #sorrynotsorry— Kiki (@MrzCruz4life) October 8, 2018
And once again as Jamie’s career is at the centre of attention, his “wife” takes over pic.twitter.com/yV1Q9iSqud— Christina ❤️ (@ineedwantmore) October 5, 2018
U bet! Wrong timing to open d news, even if it's really a news! I give it to Dakota here! She's very diligently navigating! Will never openly talk about her personal life unless she's secured identity beyond 50shades, which I'm sure she will wid iconic projects & rave reviews!— rkslays (@rkindkrish) October 5, 2018
Love the comments on E News’ post. pic.twitter.com/nE8gibCGfb— Carmen (@always_damie) October 8, 2018
Those of you who want to abandon Damie bc things aren't happening the way YOU want go ahead & abandon the Damie ship. The rest of us will be here. True Damie's DO NOT abandon their ship that easily. Tabloids/papers are full of SHIT. Believe them if you want.— Jamie&DakotaExclusiv (@Dornan_D_J) October 7, 2018
*rubs temples with fingers*
Okay, where to start.
First, imagine wasting all this fucking time on emotional energy on two people with ZERO sexual chemistry. Two chairs sitting near one another have better heat than Dornan and Johnson do, and they have less rumours swirling around them that they actively dislike one another. The reason you may think for a brief moment that there is real chemistry in those films is because Dakota Johnson is a goddamn PROFESSIONAL and tried to make it work while Dornan constantly scouted out the exits.
Second, really? Fucking REALLY?! The actor you supposedly love so much is happy with his wife and kids but it’s not enough for you because it’s not the specific wank bank material you need? Imagine being the kind of person who actively roots for a man to leave his wife and children for his colleague, all while pretending that would make him a better person.
Third, these people are not your play-things (and stay the fuck off Amelia Warner’s Instagram page). I highly doubt either Dakota or Jamie would want people like this to be their fans. Frankly, I don’t even think they are fans of the pair. They’re fans of the idea of them. This is common shipper mentality (see Robsten, the 1D tin-hatters, the Outlander ones, and so on). It doesn’t make it any less disturbing but it does highlight how pathetically uninteresting these people are.
Header Image Source: Getty Images.