This is me right now. BECAUSE I AM CALLING YOU OUT.
I wasn’t even wearing hoops, you guys. That’s just something that happens. When one’s nemesis acts all nemessy, hoops just appear for the sole purpose of taking them off. It’s science. Fight science.
And, Swifter Wet Jet? We are in a fight. It is fucking on.
So, Esquire (via Celebitchy) named Taylor Swift a woman they love. Because Esquire has a low bar. Naturally, they interviewed her. Naturally, I snapped and Hulked out of my own skin because I have lost the ability to handle anything that comes out of this girl’s mouth. For simple reading, I bolded everything that made me make that face up there.
ESQ: That title’s a bit long, don’t you think?
TS: We had lots and lots of discussions about what to call this song. For me, from the time I wrote it, it was always “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.”
ESQ: It certainly seems more final and authoritative this way.
TS: It’s very final, it’s very aggressive, and it’s not subtle.
ESQ: And you didn’t use parentheses, which I appreciate.
TS: People don’t know what to say when there are parentheses.
ESQ: Are you worried about peaking at 22?
TS: I’m always worried about everything. Like spiders. Right now, I’m worried about that.
ESQ: I’m not your typical fan, but I do like this first song. It’s catchy.
TS: Yay! We brainwashed you!
ESQ: Do you like peaty, smoky Scotch? We’re doing something on that this month.
TS: I don’t drink much alcohol. If it doesn’t taste like candy or sparkles, I usually don’t drink it.
ESQ: Few things taste less like candy and sparkles.
TS: Wine sometimes, because it makes me feel classy, but not Scotch. Not yet.
ESQ: That sounds about right. Do you ever get tired of being sweet?
TS: When I am talking to people who I feel don’t like me or are mean, I get really shy and I kind of curl up personalitywise.
To sum up: Candy. Sparkles. Parentheses are hard, you guys! Ew, scotch. Moscato is yummy. Spiders are icky. YAAAAAAAAAAAY!
She’s doing this to me ON. PURPOSE.
She knows. SHE ALWAYS KNOWS. Also, I don’t think she’s really BFF with Emma Stone. That is not particularly relevant, but I just wanted to put it out there because I think she’s a total Swiiffle White Female to our Emma.
Also, her weird “I want to cut off Jackie O’s face and wear it as the best costume of the day, but I can’t so I’ll just work my way through the Kennedy family like a box of Girl Scout cookies” thing hit a high note (ironically, what with how she can’t hit high notes because she sings like a cat dying of syphilis in a poorly ventilated garage) when she allegedly made out with Patrick Schwarzenegger, her child boyfriend’s cousin. Is this true? Probably not because it came from Star Magazine, but I don’t even care at this point, because I want this to last forever and never stop until she makes her way to Ethel.
Anyway, Taylor. Swifty Lazar. Let’s just fight already. Let’s duke it out. Did I mention I used to work for a Kennedy? Sat fifteen feet away from him. I’ll let you smell my work blouses and THEN we’ll fight. Warning: I’m a kicker. Let’s do this.