What are we doing, America? I hate what this country has become. We’re tearing ourselves apart. The United States has never been as polarized as it is now, and it’s bleeding into the rest of the world. While I will grant you that it’s over one of the most important issues of our time, there has to be a middle ground somewhere, a place where we can coalesce around a common identity.
I refer to, of course, the debate over who is the Best Chris, an argument that has unfortunately pitted brother against brother, mother against daughter, best friend against best friend. Families are canceling Thanksgiving dinners over this disagreement. We are a country divided. We can’t continue like this.
Look: There are a lot of great qualities among the Chrisses (except for Pratt, because f*ck that guy. Andy Dwyer Pratt or GTFO). Hemsworth has the physique. Evans has the charisma and the voice (My God, that voice). Pine has the acting talent. Pratt, well, you know, he hunts or whatever. I’m sure he’s a nice enough guy who just wishes there were more stories in Hollywood about struggling white guys.
But the central problem with this debate, which has raged on for years now, is that we don’t have all the facts. The debate among the Chrisses right now is like the debate about whether the Trump campaign colluded with the Russians (an important debate, but secondary to the Chris debate currently driving the American media). We can’t connect the dots, because we don’t yet have all the intelligence, and by that, I mean: We don’t have a full accounting of the Chrisses. There’s more to life than your Pines, your Pratts, your Hemsworths, and your Evans.
And sure, I know what some of you are saying: Walken. Meloni. Rock. O’Donnell. Lee. Nolan. Eccleston. Tucker.
Uh, yeah. Sure. Great. Those are worthy considerations. I mean, not so worthy that they’d actually merit discussion, but sure. Bring them up if you’d like, if only so we can dismiss them.
It doesn’t matter anyway, because while they’re very respectable Chrisses, the truth is, they’re all playing second fiddle to the greatest Chris of them all.
I speak, of course, of Christopher McDonald, aka Shooter McGavin.
Long before Chris Pratt was winning hearts on Everwood, Christopher McDonald was burning up the screen in Grease 2. Before Pine’s break-out role in Smokin’ Aces, McDonald smoldered as the douchey white guy in Breakin’.
And sure, while the other Chrisses are featured heavily in superhero movies, Christopher McDonald has voiced the father of the fucking original superhero, Superman. He provided the voice to the man with the seed that birthed the goddamn Man of Steel in an animated series. Oh, and sure, Hemsworth and Pine have been in Star Trek, but McDonald has Star Trek cred, too. Look: He’s that guy back there!
Acting talent? Pine and Evans can’t compete with McDonald in Thelma and Louise. Listen to this accent work!
You know how many people watched Veronica’s Closet? 20 million a week. I’d like to see Chris Pine match that on Netflix’s Wet Hot American Summer prequel to the sequel.
And you want handsome white guy? Chris McDonald was the original handsome white guy!
You wanna talk about Chris McDonald’s social media game. OK. Let’s talk about Chris McDonald’s social media game. How about this wicked selfie with Alfonso fucking Ribeiro? How many other Chrisses hang out with the originator of the Carlton Dance? NONE. THAT’S HOW MANY. NONE.
Oh sure, Evans loves the Red Sox and Pratt loves the Seahawks. But McDonald? He’s a motherfucking Buffalo Bills superfan! And it’s not just when they’re in the Super Bowl, either, because the Buffalo Bills are never in the Super Bowl. Christopher McDonald ain’t no fairweather fan.
Look: It’s absurd that we’re having this Chris argument when every goddamn one of them is just vying for second place. I mean, Christopher McDonald was in the House Bunny, people! It’s not even a contest.
So for the good of America, let’s put this debate behind us once and for all. Let’s end this. While we may all have fundamental differences over who is the better Chris — Hemsworth, Evans, Pine or … Pratt — I think we can all agree that it’s a moot point as long as we are lucky enough to have Christopher McDonald among us.