Adam Levine Wouldn't, Would He? Surely Not, Right? Oh My God, He's Totally Going To
Booking talent for this year’s Super Bowl halftime show was a little like booking talent for Donald Trump’s inauguration: It’s a big gig, but no one wanted to touch it for obvious reasons, and those obvious reasons being Colin Kaepernick and the systemic racism of the NFL. Rihanna declined to perform and others — including Cardi B., Usher, Lauryn Hill, and Nicki Minaj — reportedly followed suit. Amy Schumer even stated that she would not appear in any Super Bowl commercials this year in protest, so at least one good thing has come out of this.
Naturally, the people who run the Super Bowl halftime show had to go down the list a while until they finally found someone who would agree to do the halftime show. The landed on Maroon 5, which is what happens when you spike a Coldplay cocktail with Clamato. To be fair, while Maroon 5 is omnipresent on the radio, I probably couldn’t identify any of their songs, although I probably know them all through the cultural osmosis of this dark timeline. I just assume at this point that every song I hear on the radio that is not “The Shallow” is Maroon 5, Imagine Dragons, or Bruno Mars, and if I like it, it’s probably the latter. If it leaves me with a sense of guilt and shame like a teenager regretting going to third base, I assume that it’s Maroon 5. I have a natural distrust of Adam Levine for reasons best explained by Emily: “Adam Levine is the kind of guy who would pressure his girlfriend into anal sex, and then refer to it as ‘lovemaking.’”
Anyway, Adam Levine canceled their press conference before the Super Bowl, because holding one would have required that they answer uncomfortable questions. Questions like, “WTF? Do you not stand with Kaepernick?” “Do you support systemic racism?” and “I hear that Tom Brady is a big fan of douche music? Do you think he likes Maroon 5?”
“No one thought about it more than I did. No one put more thought and love into this than I did … I spoke to many people; most importantly though, I silenced all the noise and listened to myself, and made my decision about how I felt.”
Oh, he listened to himself! I see! So, after he silenced all the noise and really listened to his heart, he must have heard, “There are more important things than standing up to corporate oppressors! Like, getting my bland, radio-friendly music into more people’s ears!”
Levine also added that he is going to “move on from it and speak through the music.”
That last statement actually gave me a powerful douche chill, because my first thought was, “Oh no. He wouldn’t? Surely, he knows better, right? Surely, Adam Levine is not tone-deaf enough to be the white guy — after a number of black artists turned down the Super Bowl — to take a knee during his performance?”
That sounds exactly like something he would do, doesn’t it? In fact, Genevieve laid out the scene perfectly:
He will take the mic from his face, gaze up to the heavens, look down at his feet, back out to the crowd, and slowly, DELIBERATELY, sink to one knee with his head reverently bowed as the riff from “She Will be Loved” swells in the background. And then he will open his shirt to reveal a skin-tight Colin Kaepernick jersey.
God save us. That is 100 percent going to happen, isn’t it?
Source: Entertainment Weekly
Header Image Source: NBC
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