Yesterday, a clothing store popular among vapid teens got pissed that a reality star popular among vapid teens was wearing a pair of their ugly sweatpants and the fucking internet exploded.
That’s the short version. This is the long version: The Situation, he of House Jersey Shore, son of The YouTube Video Guy, wore a pair of green Abercrombie & Fitch pants. In a stroke of pure marketing genius (*shakes head no*) A&F released a statement offering to pay his Sitchness an undisclosed sum of money to stop wearing their clothes. This backfired, causing the Dow to plunge 300 points this morning (totally related things).
“We are deeply concerned that Mr. Sorrentino’s association with our brand could cause significant damage to our image. We understand that the show is for entertainment purposes, but believe this association is contrary to the aspirational nature of our brand, and may be distressing to many of our fans.
We have therefore offered a substantial payment to Michael ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino and the producers of MTV’s The Jersey Shore to have the character wear an alternate brand. We have also extended this offer to other members of the cast, and are urgently waiting a response.”
Aspirational nature? Bitch, I went to a super preppy high school, and the only aspirations shared amongst those who frequented the store generally involved scoring MGD and losing butt virginities to girls who started getting highlights too early.
In the interest of full disclosure, I worked the floor at A&F for a brief time in college (it was an act of rebellion against the prevalent hipster culture…I DON’T KNOW, YOU GUYS. College Court was the worst). So I know these people. I understand their struggle. The Situation is simply the wrong kind of douche to sport their chudwear.
Abercrombie Dickholes: preppy, popped collar, faux wear and tear, necklaces made of leather and fake shark teeth, lots of pockets for all the expensive drugs they can afford.
Jersey “Guido” Thundertwats: Ed Hardy, metallic appliques, large necklaces with crosses that tend to smack their ladyfriends in the back of the head.
See? Totally different.
A&F’s statement was a bad move that backfired, and also lead to this tweet from Butterface-uation: “Looks like Abercrombie got themself into a situation!” Oh, Michael, you are a DELIGHT. Then MTV got all smug and responded with, “It’s a clever PR stunt, and we’d love to work with them on other ways they can leverage Jersey Shore to reach the largest youth audience on television.”
What A&F is most guilty of is underestimating how out of touch stock market people are. That show is popular, people watch it, this store said something bad, SELL SELL SELL. No one that shops at Abercrombie is actually going to stop purchasing $149 sweatshirts with sequins hastily sewn on their hoods because the store dared insult someone they watch somewhat ironically.
Basically, there are no winners. Only date rapists. And I pray that someday, in the lifetime of my children, this douche versus douche fighting might end, and that cheesedicks of all walks may join hand in hand to sing a house remixed DMB song. Because, at the end of the day, we’re all the same, and by that I mean shirtless.
We shall overcome, brah.