The Bling Ring is many things. A new Sofia Coppola venture. An adult role for Emma Watson. A mark of the comeback of Paris Hilton. *record scratch* Whaaaaa?
Even if you’re excited for TBR, don’t worry—the presence of Ms. Hilton doesn’t necessarily mean complete ruin. I mean, look at all these things she didn’t completely ruin!
Do you people know how much I love “The OC”? I DON’T THINK YOU DO. And that Paris Hilton shared screentime with Seth Cohen and Ryan Atwood is more upsetting than Sandy Cohen considering cheating on poor Kirsten with that HARLOT Kim Delaney.
Like a lot of Pajibans, I immediately began an epic VM rewatch as soon as the movie was confirmed. And I had apparently completely blocked out Paris Hilton’s very brief, one-episode stint as Logan Echolls’s girlfriend Caitlin, the one who two-timed him with Weevil’s brother. I watched the episode again last night in anticipation of this post, and, oh my god, speaking of posts, she is about as emotive as the kind that dangles street lights. Her range stretches from “bored” to “post-lobotomy” but without the pleasantly empty expression. Her facial expressions are more empty than empty, they actually suck excitement from those around her, like a black hole of awful. No one cares what YOU think, Caitlin Ford!
This was a magical time before most of us knew who Paris Hilton was. Those halcyon days of the early aughts were truly special and we should have appreciated them more. But there she was, sharing screentime with Derek Zoolander and our friend Billy Zane (he’s a cool dude). And we didn’t even know how our lives would change.
Anthony Stewart Head
Okay, here’s the thing. I was really excited for Repo: The Genetic Opera and was really hoping that musical horror films would totally become a thing and it DIDN’T and my dreams were dashed. That said, I totally dug this movie and, shocker of shockers, she actually showed signs of life in this movie. Either they pumped her with Mia Wallace levels of adrenaline to get any semblance of activity from her brain or Bill Mosley scared some tolerability into her.
Fun fact: Paris was on hand at the 2008 San Diego Comic Con to promote this movie and Bill Mosley and Ogre were totally ripping on her the whole time, which she did not get, and the second the panel was over, she stood up and started posing like it was the red carpet. It was basically incredible.
Jared Padalecki & Elisha Cuthbert
House of Wax was a thing that happened one time, and, in addition to PHilz dying, it also featured Elisha Cuthbert before I liked her (thanks, “Happy Endings”!) and the hotness of Jared Padalecki. But all anyone remembers is that Paris dies, so they escaped pretty unscathed.
Jay and Silent Bob
Paris Hilton starred (*shrug*) in Bottoms Up with Jason Mewes, featuring Kevin Smith in a cameo. Jay’s gotta pay the bills, guys. Smith can’t pay for everything forever.
“Step By Step”
She even tried to ruin TGIF, you guys.
Remember that Hottie and the Nottie mess? Yeah, me neither, but the eponymous Nottie was Christine Lakin, aka, Al from “Step by Step” who grew up to be a hottie boombalotty, which was the real takeaway of the film.
Leslie Nielsen (and Zachary Levi?)
I had forgotten that An American Carol was something that happened, because the Bush days are kind of a vague, distant memory. But it did happen and was one of Leslie Nielsen’s final films, appearing as “Osama Bin Nielsen.” Sure, why not. Anyway, Paris Hilton was in that, too. And, apparently, so was Zachary Levi? EXPLAIN YOURSELF, CHUCK BARTOWSKI.
The Backstreet Boys, specifically Nick Carter
*sniff* The 14-year-old that lives inside me DOESN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
The New York Times Bestseller List
She wrote a book. It made the list. Because there was a weird period where illiterates wrote books. And then other illiterates read them. Now they have 50 Shades. Yay culture!