Subject: Gwyneth Kate Paltrow, 37-year-old American actress & self-declared successor to Martha Stewart
Date of Assessment: May 7, 2010
Positive Buzzwords: (This section left intentionally blank.)
Negative Buzzwords: Insufferable, snotty, ungrateful, unremarkable
Date of Assessment: May 7, 2010
The Case: Many of you probably wouldn’t be surprised to learn that I’ve got absolutely no tolerance for Gwyneth Paltrow, who became an inexplicably successful A-list actress primarily due to nepotism (as well as strategically dating Brad Pitt). Yet, I didn’t always feel this way about her, for I actually liked Gwyneth during her early career after randomly catching Flesh and Bone at a dollar theater and finding her relatively enigmatic next to Pitt during Se7en. She also did well to make herself the focus of fairly small movies like Moonlight and Valentino and Hush (despite the latter’s horrid script), and she held her own against Michael Douglas in the lukewarm A Perfect Murder. However, I never would have categorized Gwyneth as a great actress, and it’s rather amazing that such atrocious attempts at an English accent have been repeatedly showcased in Emma, Sliding Doors, and Shakespeare in Love. Shortly after Shakespeare, however, a noticeable shift in Gwyneth’s attitude occurred, which may or may not have something to do with winning that undeserved Best Actress Oscar (for 1998’s Shakespeare role), which was essentially gifted to her at a very early age (interesting speech, btw) and seemed to unleash (or at least coincide with) Gwyneth’s inner frigid superiority goddess.
Nowadays, it’s not unexpected for a journalist to interview Mrs. Paltrow-Martin and hear all sorts of things unrelated to whatever film the bitch happens to be promoting. Just as an example, this interview with The Guardian glosses over the film in question, Proof, in favor of Gwyneth’s beliefs about how Hollywood is so bloody awful and, if it weren’t for all those drunken women in England, her adopted home would be just about perfect for her tastes. Not to mention that Americans are such uninteresting conversationalists and far too uncultured for the likes of herself, who has certainly appeared in her share of lowbrow films (like Shallow Hal and View from the Top), but that’s only because Harvey Weinstein talked her into it. In recent years, it’s no wonder that I’ve often referred to her as “GPal” due to her attitudinal (made-up word!) proximity to JLo, who uses her so-called Latina roots much in the same manner as Gwyneth when she claims to be African or some such nonsense. Lately, Gwyneth’s grown even more insufferable by labeling non-famous people as “pedestrians” and hosting charity events in order to foster a humanitarian vibe while simultaneously referring to the (invited) photographers as “roaches.” And I haven’t even broached the topic of GOOP.
Look, it’s not that Gwyneth is necessarily a bad actress, but she’s just not necessarily a good one. And that wouldn’t be so such a bad thing either — because there are many untalented actors and actresses who consistently find work — if she weren’t such an insufferable bitch about it all. Indeed, it’s now a relief that the Iron Man 2 promotional circuit has neared its end, so perhaps Gwyneth can go back to her lovely, charming faux-English life while looking down upon us all. Of course, I wouldn’t despise her quite so much if she could just shut up about everything else during promotion and, you know, focus on the movie that she’s being paid to pimp. Instead, she’s on the morning shows talking about a bizarre exercise routine and how wonderful she is to put her family over her career (as if she’s the only one to ever do so). All of this verbal diarrhea makes one wonder whether, during the filming of Two Lovers, Gwyneth might have become the secret ingredient to Joaquin Phoenix’s insanity as well as the unwitting catalyst for his decision to stop acting: “Trying to seduce Paltrow on screen may have just proved too much for him, and it’s like the weight gain, beard and the crazy are all a defense mechanism to keep her far away.” Of course, that’s really just a joke but not entirely out of the realm of possibility.
Gwyneth Paltrow is, by trade, an actress. Yet, she often (and unironically) spends much of her existence speaking of the uninspired dullness and blatantly tiresome aspects of what she believes to be the essence of us unwashed proletariat masses. Oddly enough, we’re the ones who buy movie tickets. She’d do well to shut her mouth and work on that so-called “craft” of hers instead.
Prognosis: If it weren’t for the undemanding Pepper Potts role that Gwyneth secured in the Iron Man franchise, Paltrow would have little future other than the reigning spokesperson for Estée Lauder perfumery and the occasional artsy-fartsy film. Unfortunately, it looks like we’re stuck with her for quite a while, but Robert Downey Jr. can help ease our pain just a bit.
Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at agentbedhead.com.