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'Star Wars' Box Office Numbers NBD, According to People Incapable of Being Impressed

By Dustin Rowles | Box Office Round-Ups | December 28, 2015 |

By Dustin Rowles | Box Office Round-Ups | December 28, 2015 |

Star Wars: The Force Awakens did OK at the box-office this weekend, I guess. After 12 days in theaters, it’s passed $1 billion globally, making it the fastest movie to ever go over $1 billion. It’s no big deal, though. Once you adjust for inflation, lots of movies have made $1 billion. Gone with the Wind made over $1 billion in just America alone once you adjust for inflation, and it was totally racist. How’s it feel to play second fiddle to a three-hour racist movie, Abrams?

In its second weekend in America, The Force Awakens also made $153 million, which is the biggest second weekend ever, but of course, it’s playing in over 4,000 theaters, while the original Ghostbusters only played in 1500 theaters. So, you know, whatever. You may think that falling only 38 percent in its second weekend is impressive, but lots of movies did even better, percentage-wise in their second weekend. Did you know that Cheaper by the Dozen actually increased 55 percent in its second weekend? How’s it feel to to do worse in your second weekend, on a percentage basis than a bad Steven Martin family movie, Abrams? Maybe try harder next time. God.

Sure, in only 12 days, it’s the 5th highest grossing film of all time in America, but once you adjust for inflation, it’s only the 50th highest grossing movie, behind Bambi. Maybe if The Force Awakens had shot and killed Bambi’s mother, it’d be doing better, huh? You ever consider that, Abrams? Grow a pair and kill a deer next time.

Biggest Christmas day gross of all time? Whatever. That’s just because it’s been so warm, it was hard for most people to get into the Christmas mood, so they just treated it like any other Friday. Who can be impressed with any record in which Angelina Jolie’s Unbroken is number 7. Tough competition, huh, Abrams? Maybe if Jolie had a Wookie and a bazillion dollar budget, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Pick on someone your own size.

Sure, it’s the fastest movie ever to $100 million, $200 million, $500 million, etc. etc., but back in the day, moviegoers took their time. It took Unforgiven nearly a year to make $100 million, because people back in 1993 weren’t in such a hurry all the time. They watched movies at their own speed because they didn’t have to worry about the Internet totally spoiling everything. Of course, everyone is going to see The Force Awakens immediately, otherwise some asshole on the Internet will ruin the whole thing.

Nope. I’m not impressed. I’m more impressed with Daddy’s Home. That movie made $43 million over the holiday weekend, and it sucked. I bet JJ Abrams couldn’t convince $43 million in people to leave their families over Christmas to watch a crappy comedy. Even Joy made $17 million, and it probably would’ve made double that if Han Solo were in it. Sisters was number four this weekend, and it only dropped .3 percent, which is a 37.8 percent better holdover than The Force Awakens! That’s impressive!

Alvin and the Chipmunks placed 5th over the holiday, while Will Smith’s Concussion was sixth, with $11 million, which is $10 million more than JJ Abrams could made with a boring movie about dudes killing themselves after banging their heads for 20 years.

No Abrams, I’m not impressed. The Force Awakens may ultimately become the biggest movie of all time, but wait until Rian Johnson takes over. Episode VIII is gonna make Force Awakens box-office look like chump change.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.