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Cannonball Read III: A Shore Thing by Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

By Doctor Controversy | Books | March 14, 2011 |

By Doctor Controversy | Books | March 14, 2011 |

Due to the influx of movie reviews from SXSW this week, there will be fewer CBR posts. In honor of spring break, I’m going with a beach/Florida theme this week. Here’s your first review in that theme.—TU

“There’s ‘The Truth’, and ‘The Truth!’” - Lionel Hutz, Esq.

As anyone who knows me knows, I’m into politics. It’s an obsession really, what with the election cycles, the media conflictinator, and the general fate of the American public in the balance. But one of the things I love the BEST is the Double Talk. Pushing one message whilst secretly advancing another, mostly by omissions, euphemisms, and good old fashioned lies. As such, I would ask that you, the audience, allow me to practice my Double Talk skills with this book review for A Shore Thing, written by New Jersey’s latest literary powerhouse* Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. (*Powerhouse of subpar fiction)

The Truth!:
For a first-time author, Snooki has a decent story on her hands, and she tells it as well as she can. For what we were expecting out of her, this isn’t all that bad. It’s just a tale of a couple of girls looking for fun, fashion, and fucking on the Jersey Shore, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

The Truth:
Before I get into analysis of the text, I ask that you all refer to the picture on the top left; the one that depicts the cover art. Do you know what that is? It’s the only way Snooki could get anyone to look her in the eyes, because let’s face it…she’s not playing on the same level as kindergartners much less the rest of us. If her public persona wasn’t enough of an indicator of this fact, then the “book” she’s “written” is more than ample proof. (I seriously think Valerie Frankel, her “collaborator, who helped translate [her] ideas onto the page” should be credited as a co-author, because there’s some “big” words in here I doubt Snooks would ever use.)

So the book. Funny story actually. No, I’m not saying the book is funny because it doesn’t even perform on a “so bad, it’s funny’ level. It’s actually a “so bad, it’s shitty” level of entertainment that puts the value of its entertaining factors in the negative. If you want to skip reading the book, here’s all you need to know: Take Spice World and mix it with Crossroads (The Britney Spears picture); throw it into a “Jersey Shore” rerun and bake it with a Twilight covering. That’s A Shore Thing, a book that’s written as if Peter Griffin started telling one of his bullshit stories that rips off something he saw on TV, except it goes on for 289 pages. (288 too many, if you ask me.) Don’t believe me? Here’s the main point of the book, as summarized by a paragraph of dialogue:

But, then again, who knew what made love last? It was a game of chance, luck, destiny, experience—but not too much hard work, as far as Gia could tell. How hard could it be to show the person you loved that you cared? All you had to do was smush every chance you got and treat them with kindness and respect. Easy.

Is now a good time to mention she named her fictional surrogate after one of her pets? Yeah, Gia is one of the pets that she thanks in her opening acknowledgments, and that just happens to be her fictional surrogate’s name. “Gia” and “Bella” (JWoww’s fictional surrogate) are “down the shore” for Summer vacation in order to escape the dramas of Brooklyn. In trying to avoid drama, they only create further drama and “comedy”. Throw in a couple of Trust Fund douchebags who want to bang JWo…I mean “Bella”, a couple of mean girls who are out to get Snook…erm, “Gia”, and a divorced couple thrown into the mix, and you’ve got exactly what this book is about.

It’s fitting that JWoww’s fictional surrogate is named Bella, because Snooki’s basically written Twilight for Guidettes whose attention spans are shorter than their poufs. Her main characters stumble into everything they want with minimal effort, are popular even when they’re awkward, and end up landing the “hawt juicehead gorillas” they’ve been wanting to bang…only to leave them and declare that they want to be single anyway! They build toward what you think is going to be a cookie cutter ending (by using all the other cookie cutter parts) and ultimately puss out on the ending. JUST…LIKE…TWILIGHT, except instead of one Bella (which is fucking bad enough), you get TWO! This book is so frustrating, I found myself throwing it across the room after finishing it. What’s sadder is you KNOW MTV is going to want to cash in on the fame of this midget famewhore and should “Jersey Shore” ever end, you know this is going to be the “launching pad” Snooki will inevitably try to use in order to cross over into feature films. (Basically, this’ll be the next “Jackass” franchise if we’re not careful.)

That being said, I think Snooki should write another three books in this series. Why not? She clearly has a wellspring of ideas, or has at least seen enough movies and been through enough on Jersey Shore that she could rip off some ideas. She should embrace the Twilight connection and end the series with Gia and Bella giving birth in a vat of pickles, whilst doing shots of Hornitos and Patron and listening to shitty techno…all on the dance floor at Karma! (Wardrobe by Ed Hardy.) Do it, Snooki! You won’t! I fucking dare you! NO BALLS! Sorry…I got a little wound up. Needless to say, this review has exorcised my demons and this mind is indeed clear. I’d like to close with another quote from one of the antagonists who basically sums up why people like myself hate Snooki and her “Jersey Shore” pals.

I hate you because the world is at your friggin’ feet.

At least with Snooki’s height (much like the current state of Pop Culture), it’s not that far of a fall. Thank you for this book, Snooki. If anything, it’s inspired me to read the books of your other housemates and rip them apart much more viciously than I did yours. Thank you for setting the bar so low.

For more of Doctor Controversy’s reviews, check out his blog, The Bookish Kind

This review is part of Cannonball Read III. For more information, click here.

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