By Miscellaneous | | April 28, 2010 |
By Miscellaneous | | April 28, 2010 |
In Hollywood, a magic 8-ball used to just be a vial of cocaine that allowed producers to think they’re flying. But now it’s also going to be a movie about an oversize billiard ball with a blue liquid-immersed 20-sided die inside it that enables indecisive people to make important life choices. For example, some exec at Paramount asked one, “should we make a movie based on the Magic 8-Ball novelty toy?” And it answered, “My reply is no.” So the studio exec put the greenlight on it faster than he could snort a line.
Is the idea of a Magic 8-Ball movie surprising? To be honest, I thought this project had already been announced back when everyone was foretelling what other games and toys would follow Monopoly, Battleship, Ouija Board, Stretch Armstrong, etc., into multiplexes. Now it just seems like everyone’s unveiling the appropriate 8-ball-related snark they’ve been working on since first realizing the inevitability of the idea over a year ago.
(By the way, since the Magic 8-Ball was featured in the Three Stooges short You Nazty Spy!, couldn’t we just combine the Three Stooges and M8B movies and remake that?)
Here are the usual suspects from the blogosphere with their perfectly tuned jokes:
Could the future-divining Magic 8-Ball of our childhood be heading to the big screen? According to one movie oracle (better known as Deadline New York), all signs point to yes. […] Our own Erik Davis uses it to make most of the decisions around here, which is clearly a ringing endorsement.
Is Paramount making a movie based on Mattel’s Magic 8-Ball? “All signs point to yes.” Is it a movie that seems like a good idea? “Very doubtful.”
It sounds like the studio execs asked the Magic 8 Ball themselves about making this movie (something a lot of studios seem to be doing lately) until it said “Outlook good.” Sadly, it didn’t go rogue and say “Get the fuck out of here,” which is exactly what I’ll tell Paramount when I don’t see this movie.
So, is the time really right for this reductive a film? In the words of the Magic 8 Ball, “Ask again later.” Preferably after we’ve sucked down some of the rubbing alcohol trapped inside our Magic 8 Ball.
Jon Gunn and Jon Mann will write the script. God, we can’t waste any more time talking about something that will certainly top our Dumbest Movie Projects list at the end of the year. Will we ever see this? Here’s an answer that eight ball doesn’t have: Fuck No.
More likely you will remember Jon Gunn as the co-director of My Date With Drew, where Gunn helped his friend Brian Herzlinger stalk Drew Barrymore until Herzlinger could ask her to love him and she was all, “Outlook not so good.” Ha ha! See? We just used a popular response from the Magic 8-Ball, one of 20 pre-set answers that are no doubt fanning the flames of inspiration at this very moment, until they engulf the film industry in a raging, four-alarm inferno. Save yourselves!
I can already imagine Brendan Fraser squeezing the mystical 8-ball as he attempts to “concentrate and ask again,” his eyes squinting to decipher its message in the dim light of the lava lamp besides him, his chest adorned with an “Over the Hill!” t-shirt, a poster of a large-breasted woman with the title “Got Milk?” hanging beside him. (I just figure if they’re going to make a movie about Magic 8-Ball, they might as well make it accurate and set the whole thing in a mall Spencer’s Gifts.)
Details are sketchy at this point, though the studio (which nabbed the rights in a deal with Mattel) has hired writers Jon Gunn and John Mann to start work on a National Treasure-style adventure pic. Chances of it working, office Magic 8 Ball? “Cannot predict now.” Some use you are!
Oh, I see. It will be a sort of live-action National Treasure-style action-adventure movie. Well, that makes perfect sense. Jerry Bruckheimer loves 8 balls.
Let’s think about this: The entire concept of the Magic 8-Ball toy is essentially a fancy pair of dice. You mean to tell me that Hasbro is so f*cking bankrupt of ideas that they can’t come up with a better idea THAN F*CKING DICE?? That their BEST IDEA is to spend TENS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS on a fancy commercial for THE MAGIC F*CKING 8-BALL? This is mind boggling. Not just that something like this can actually happen, but that the guy who came up with it wasn’t instantly strung up by his feet and hit repeatedly in the testicles like a piñata. The only magic 8-balls I want to see are the ones Quentin Tarantino snorts to give him his awesome ideas.
QUENTIN: Dear Magic 8-Ball, will the wizard appear tonight? *snort*
WIZARD: Signs point to yes. Also, listen to this rockin’ jam I just recorded. No one else can hear it but you, because you are the coolest.
INT. SUBMARINE - BRUNCH
Secret Agent Body Canks stares at his stubbled, weary face in the mirror. In one hand, he holds a razor blade and a gun and a bottle of pills. In the other hand he is rolling THE MAGIC 8 BALL.
Should I fulfill President Bieber’s secret assignment and launch the nuclear warhead? Or should I kill myself?
Body Canks shakes THE MAGIC 8 BALL.
MAGIC 8 BALL
Kill yourself. Definitely.
Just then there is a radio call from the bridge.
Mr. Canks, sir, I think I accidentally pushed the wron-
The screen goes white.