Liveblogging the 2018 Golden Globes
10:25 - LOLLLLLLLLLLLL
10:08 - Good night everyone. Men are trash, long live the matriarchy and Oprah 2020.
10:06 - Three Billboards won, neat, but Saoirse hugging Greta Gerwig while Barbra Streisand talked about the need to nominate more female directors is a way better award honestly.
10:00 - Cough.
9:50 - Even purely in this presentation Geena Davis >>>>> Susan Sarandon.
9:43 - I wish Get Out had been nominated for goddamn ANYTHING in addition to the two it was nominated for. I want it to win more and I want Lady Bird to win and I want Mudbound to win and I want to bake a cake made of rainbows so we could all eat it.
9:37 - Taika just tablebombed Call Me By Your Name and I kind of wish he’d do this to every table.
9:35 - I’ve loved Saoirse since Atonement, I’m really happy for her and I thought Lady Bird was a daggum delight.
9:25 - I hope Natalie Portman and Greta Gerwig had THE BIGGEST OF HIGH FIVES offstage.
9:18 - I TAKE IT BACK I TAKE IT BACK NATALIE PORTMAN FOUND THE LITERAL ONLY WAY TO FOLLOW OPRAH.
9:17 - Holy shit. Just holy shit. JUST GO TO COMMERCIAL. WHY ARE YOU EVEN HAVING ANYTHING FOLLOW OPRAH?
9:08 - Sorry I’m not saying anything I CAN’T TALK I’M WATCHING OPRAH.
8:58 - “One of the most influential women of our time.” ONE OF? I’m gonna stop you and give you another chance to get it right this time.
8:56 - AHHHHH! AZIZ! I genuinely didn’t see this coming—I never get to get so excited!
8:54 - I want a re-do of The Greatest Showman starring Amy Sherman-Palladino.
8:48 - I feel like this show is going *so* fast I have no idea what’s happening or what award is being announced at any given time. But Ewan though.
8:34 - UMMMM is this the best year to honor someone accused of brutally raping Natalie Wood?
8:29 - I love Allison Janney and I’m so happy she won there’s only one thing to say:
8:23 - I forgot his daughter is the Golden Globe ambassador and just thought Dwayne Johnson got to present twice because he’s one of the only men in the room they’re CERTAIN isn’t the worst.
8:20 - Hey you know who we’ve never really discussed being able to get it? Andy Samberg. He just can. He can just have it.
8:19 - Meanwhile Allison Janney has a fucking bird on her shoulder because why not.
8:17 - Laura Dern for EVERYTHING. Always.
8:10 - TOMMY WISEAU IS ONSTAGE AND I AM LITERALLY SUFFOCATING. TOMMY TRIED TO TAKE THE MIC. I CANNOT BREATHE.
8:08 - Steve Carell’s get-it level just increases year by year.
8:06 - SHUT THE FUCK UP, AUDIENCE. OCTAVIA IS SPEAKING. DOUG JONES IS BLINKING.
8:01 - OK they don’t have time for presenters or speeches. At this point just shoot the awards into the crowd with a T-shirt cannon.
7:57 - GIVE MARIAH HER TEA.
7:56 - Alexander Skarsgard won, which means David Harbour lost, which means Joe Keery won’t shave his head, and thank god.
7:54 - Christina Hendricks looks like she could be on Match Game ‘77 with Brett Somers and I love it.
7:53 - TOMMY WISEAU IS IN THE MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE, PEOPLE.
7:51 - Holy shit.
7:47 - I am very happy for Handmaid’s Tale but mostly I am happy for Samira Wiley’s necklace that is literally just floating on her because she’s amazing it just wants to be close to her like we all do.
7:45 - Oh good, Roseanne is here. Did you know she’s a fucking mess? Seriously, take a gander at her Twitter timeline.
7:44 - That was a SPEECH. I love him.
7:42 - STERLING K. BROWN WINS AND WE ALL WIN.
7:35 - Normally I can’t stand commercials that play repeatedly in the same commercial break but that one has Winona Ryder in it and I’m NOT mad about seeing Winona repeatedly.
7:31 - Damn yeah Lizzie Moss! Someday I hope she spills all on that Fred Armisen situation because you KNOW it is a story.
7:29 - I just finally started The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and I couldn’t love it more. Rachel Brosnahan is a goddamn delight.
7:28 - Pamela Adlon thinking of all the ways she’ll scorch Louis CK if she wins.
7:27 - Ava DuVernay being the first to stand up for Carol Burnett is my new joy place.
7:25 - Zac Efron as Chris R. in The Disaster Artist was honestly one of the most glorious performances of the year. It made me so happy.
7:19 - Find someone who loves you as much as Leslie Bibb loves Sam Rockwell.
7:17 - “Keith Urban, when my cheek is against yours, it feels like a countertop. Ease up a bit, babe.”
7:15 - Guys I love Nicole Kidman so much. She’s so good at everything and also Keith Urban’s face is expanding and may take over the entire room. That’s unrelated but I think it’s important to highlight her struggles.
7:14 - Even Susan Sarandon’s bangs don’t want to be associated with her.
7:11 - Honestly I would be super onboard if the rest of the show was just Amy Poehler yelling at men.
7:03 - “[Harvey Weinstein] will be back in 20 years when he becomes the first person to be booed during the In Memorium.” BUUUUUUURRRRNNNNNN. All the men are too uncomfortable to laugh and all the women are like…
7:02 - “To the male nominees in the room, this will be the first time in three months it won’t be terrifying to hear your name read out loud.” THAT IS A GOOD LINE, I APPROVE.
7:00 - I like that the Golden Globes music will always be so deeply Miami Vice-y.
6:58 - ANYWAY with that we’re off! Hi everyone! Nice to see you. You look great—have you been using your retinol? It SHOWS, you’re GLOWING.
6:55 - On Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel: “That was nice when he just mentioned how proud he was of her.” “Giving her her moment.” SHE’S THE ONE NOMINATED. IT IS HER MOMENT. HE’S HER DATE. Dumb trash-ass red carpet.