Bullsh*t LIES Fed To Us By Movies
The Pajiba staff was talking about the general suckiness of weather in our respective home states, how long we had to shovel snow (three hours for Dustin, how the frozen air almost busted our snow blowers (TK), and then I mentioned my husband was out running. I should mention that the temperature in Ohio is 2 but feels like -11.
Tori: is that… can you do that? Like, medically?
Jodi: I don’t even know. Bitch is crazy.
Tori: Like, I’ve jogged in the snow. But that’s some next level shit.
Dustin: I have seen Wind River. I would never run -11 temps! Tell him that, according to that movie, moisture collects in your lungs in sub-freezing temperatures and crystallizes and KILLS YOU DEAD (if Wind River is to be believed)
Jodi: I should just text him: “Hey. Dustin says you’re gonna die from lung freeze, dumb dumb.”
It turns out that no, your lungs will not turn the moisture into crystallized death when you run in cold weather. It can absolutely trigger asthma attacks in those prone to it, but I won’t be widowed today via exercise.
Obviously this made me want to point out other outright LIES movies have told us over the years.
Quirky Dudes Listening to Music Is Delightful (Baby Driver)
As I pointed out in yesterday’s post about stupid movie things, this is patently FALSE. Some stupid kid dancing around all of the time with sunglasses on and music blaring in his ears is not charming. He is annoying and Jon Bernthal’s characters should have stuck his thumb up Baby Driver’s butt.
Blind People Are Magical (Don’t Breathe)
I watched Don’t Breathe and got all excited about blind people being able to recover from multiple injuries that would kill other people. I was stoked about the ability of the blind to fully level up their other senses and become an unstoppable force in whatever arena they choose, especially if they choose to beat the lungs out of other people.
Imagine my surprise when I threw ninja stars at the blind guy down the street and he didn’t dodge a single one of them. Stupid movies. Please donate to my totally unrelated GoFundMe, by the way.
Matt Damon Is Charming (The Martian, etc.)
May I just say *****FART NOISES*****? Look at Damon, all Jason Bourne-ing all over the place with his charm and lack of smarm. But look! A wild 2017 appears to knock him down! IT’S SUPER EFFECTIVE!
Tom Cruise Has Acting Range
This one is more about the sheer volume of movies and roles Cruise is allowed to do wherein he’s trying to tell us that he’s an actor with Range. This is a lie. Tom Cruise plays Tom Cruise in every movie he does.
The Mummy - He’s a supposedly charming rogue who can score younger women without the power of Dianetics.
Mission Impossible franchise - He’s a supposedly charming rogue agent who can score younger women without the power of Dianetics.
Edge of Tomorrow - He’s a supposedly charming war dude who can score younger women without the power of Dianetics.
I’m just glad that movies didn’t lie to me about sentient ducks landing on our planet, saving us, and banging Lea Thompson. That would be too much to handle if that turned out to be false.