We've Got To Talk About 'Annihilation'

Emily Chambers | Film | February 5, 2018

We’ve already talked about Natalie Portman’s new film Annihilation a couple of times before. And for good reason. This film was so made for the Pajiba audience that it’s one of the movies we’re most excited about for the year. But the real question is: will it be good? And the real answer is: fuck if I know. Let’s explore why.

Pro: The Cast
Natalie Portman, Oscar Issac, Tessa Thompson, Gina Rodriguez, Benedict Wong, Jennifer Jason Leigh. I am very into all of this.

Con: It’s A February Release
February movies are so notoriously bad, I immediately thought, “They’re so bad, we did that list of the best February movies, and it was only like five entries long.” Only we definitely didn’t do that list. February movies are so bad I figmented a list of the decent ones. Not boding well.

Pro: It’s Based On A Critically Acclaimed Book
So at least we know the source material is good.

Con: It’s Based On A Critically Acclaimed Book
And as Steven Wilson’s headstone already reads, “I Liked The Book Better.”

Pro: It’s Adapted And Directed By Alex Garland
You know, the guy who did 28 Days Later, Never Let Me Go, and this

Con: It’s Being Released Internationally Through Netflix

Pro: The Test Audiences Didn’t Like It Because It Was “Too Intellectual”
And god knows we never like things when they’re smarter than the average movie.

Con: It’s Called Annihilation
This is probably just me, but why isn’t this movie called Shimmer? That’s the thing in the movie that’s creepy. Every time I want to look up something, I google “shimmer,” remember that’s not the name of the movie, google “Natalie Portman movie” instead, and then have to go to IMDB. “Shimmer” I remember though.

Pro: Gina Rodriguez’s Hair
This again might just be me, but women with half shaved heads is kind of my jam. And this look is working all the right angles.

Even when it’s kind of a bad manbun, I’m still super into it.

Con: Gina Roriguez’s Hair
Because you know they’re not going to let Jane the Virgin rock this, and that makes everyone sad.

So what’s the verdict? Still fuck if I know. What I know is that I’m very excited for a movie that I’m ninety nine percent sure will be bad. Which makes this either the most or least effective marketing campaign in modern movie history. On the plus side, I’ve already ordered my tickets, so in just a couple of short weeks, we’ll finally know if Shimmer is any good. I mean, Annihilation. Goddamnit.

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