Give Up. Surrender.
Zoom / Daniel Carlson
I walked out.
OK, so I guess you deserve a little more than that. Fine. Let’s do this.
It’s a sad truth that American comedy — specifically, popular American comedians — has a pretty short half-life. Late-night cable is strewn with the detritus of once-great, or at least once-popular, entertainers who enjoyed a run at the top of the box office only to fade into sad obsolescence. Robin Williams, Steve Martin, Eddie Murphy: These names used to mean something. These used to be cutting-edge comics with a gift for satire and a fresh perspective that brought new attention to stand-up comedy and who used their success to make some decent films. But in recent years, they’ve been reduced to, respectively, RV, The Pink Panther, and The Haunted Mansion. It’s more than enough to make you wonder if, instead of losing their touch, these guys ever had a touch to lose.
I had time to reflect on all this and more as I gamely struggled through the trailers before Zoom, starring Tim Allen and Chevy Chase, two actors who have definitely seen better days. Prior to the feature, I was treated (well, “subjected” is probably more accurate) to the preview for The Santa Clause 3, the latest installment in the series starring Allen as Santa Claus. (The new film will also feature Martin Short, who, aside from an entertaining appearance a while ago on “Arrested Development,” is another member of the sad fraternity of failed comic actors.) The weird thing about it is that for a while there, Allen pretty much had it all: The Santa Clause was a major hit and would go on to become the fourth-highest-grossing film of 1994; “Home Improvement” was a home run for ABC; and his book, Don’t Stand Too Close to a Naked Man, was a best-seller. But Zoom is a painful reminder that a decade is plenty of time to fall from the limelight, and fall hard.
Zoom is, among many other things, a stupid, bland, static, uninvolving, humorless, soporific kids’ movie. I was surprised upon exiting to realize I’d made it through only an hour of the film; it felt closer to five, as if perhaps director Peter Hewitt had attempted to make some von Stroheimian nine-hour epic about superhero youngsters. But of course Hewitt, who also brought us Garfield, Tom and Huck, and Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey, has no such aspirations. The simplistic plot managed to alienate even the kids in the audience, who seemed happier to be eating popcorn and punching each other than paying even the remotest attention to the happenings onscreen.
That plot, such as it is, deals with Jack Shepard (Allen), aka Captain Zoom, the former leader of a team of teen superheroes who were killed fighting their worst enemy, a villain named Concussion (Kevin Zegers). Concussion is also Zoom’s brother and was only turned evil in an unfortunate accident at the hands of the secret government facility that had been training the kids and subjecting them to lethal doses of gamma radiation in order to enhance their inherent superpowers. Now a lonely, bitter mechanic, Zoom is recalled by the government scientists to help train a new batch of kids with special abilities so that they can fight Concussion, who’s apparently about to return after disappearing somewhere for reasons not clearly explained. The prologue, styled like a comic book, tries to cover a lot of expositional ground in a minimum amount of time, so some of the salient details might have gotten lost.
The training facility is run by cranky old Gen. Larraby (Rip Torn), Dr. Grant (Chase), and a clumsy scientist named Marsha (Courteney Cox) who’s idolized Zoom since her childhood and who starts making eyes at him the moment he sets foot in the cheaply designed and vaguely futuristic sciencey bunker place. Zoom, Marsha, and Grant audition and recruit four children for the cause: the 17-year-old Dylan (Michael Cassidy), who can turn himself invisible; 16-year-old Summer (Kate Mara), a general telekinetic; 12-year-old Tucker (Spencer Breslin), an overweight boy who can balloon any part of his body at will; and 6-year-old Cindy (Ryan Newman), who’s freakishly strong. The recruitment montage honors the film’s intended audience by showing us one young boy with powerful farts and another who can blow giant snot bubbles. Thankfully, they don’t make the cut.
Then there are something like 13 training montages, interspersed with brief exchanges that do nothing but drive home the point that every one of these characters is a by-the-book creation meant to fill space and nothing more. Dylan and Summer eventually begin to flirt like horny coeds, and during one of the fighting simulations he “accidentally” pins her, and they look like they’re maybe five seconds away from earning the film a hard R-rating when the simulation ends and everyone goes away happy, creepy sexual subtext be damned. But I’ll bet all the money in my pockets against all the money in yours that they hook up by the end of the film, just as Zoom and Marsha are bound to get together. The couples didn’t have predictable obstacles to overcome, just a set amount of time to kill before they could look deep into each other’s eyes and say just how much they, you know, like each other.
I’m also pretty sure that the kids beat Concussion. This isn’t a sports movie, where you can lose the big game but still learn a valuable lesson about yourself and your teammates. No, this is an action movie for kids, which means that, aside from not really having any action, the good guys will win in a big way. It’s guaranteed. If I had to guess at specifics, I’d say that Cindy throws something heavy at Concussion, Tucker hits him with his gut, Summer makes rocks or something fly at him, and Dylan uses his disappearing skills to confuse him. At some point, Zoom will regain his powers (don’t ask me how he lost them) and join the fight. Then there will be hugs. Then Smash Mouth will play some more music. Roll credits.
Allen does what very little he can with the script from Adam Rifkin (Mouse Hunt, Small Soldiers) and David Berenbaum (The Haunted Mansion, in an unholy bit of karma). But he was much better at playing washed-up and self-loathing in the underrated Galaxy Quest, which actually had intellect and a sense of humor. With Zoom, it just feels like Allen hates himself for being in the movie. Chase, Torn, Cox, and the kids go through the motions and collect their paychecks.
I’ve never walked out of a movie before. If you think it was wrong of me to do so, well, I don’t really care. All I can do is beg those of you with children not to take them to see this film. Just because a movie is safe for kids doesn’t mean it’s good for them, and this film will do them small but permanent harm. Movies like Zoom start to erode a child’s brain over time, eventually leaving them unable to distinguish good films from bad ones. Before long, they’ll stop trying to grow as people and start enjoying things like Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector. So please, don’t let my suffering have been in vain. Won’t somebody please think of the children?
Daniel Carlson is the managing editor of Pajiba and a low-level employee at a Hollywood industry magazine. You can visit his blog, Slowly Going Bald.
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Comments
this. looks. PAINFUL.
My 10 and 7 year old boys even think it looks bad...I'm so proud!
Posted by: karenann at August 11, 2006 9:27 PM
lets see, we`ve got ZOOM , STEP UP, and WORLD TRADE CENTERfor choices this weekend. weak weak and weak..great reviews though,,rent V for vendetta or try the dvd brick. better luck next weekend
Posted by: pasadenamike at August 11, 2006 9:40 PM
Man, I thought for certain that the first sentence was it.
From the looks of the review, I'll bet you wish it was that simple as well.
I had this thing pegged for a pos from the git. Somebody made the comment that it sounded like a remake of "Sky High".
So let's see. Allen makes another stinker (having been subjected to "The Shaggy Dog" by my oldest, Tim Allen has burned off a ton of good will)
Unfortunately my wife is anxiously awaiting Santa Clause 3.
Somebody shoot me now!
Posted by: UncleJR at August 11, 2006 10:44 PM
Wow, this must have been beyond awful if you walked out on it, Daniel. I knew it was bad, but damn!
The sad thing is that there are reasonably good actors in this movie, but utterly wasted in this piece of crap. The fact that you managed to hold out for a whole hour is commendable.
Posted by: Brie at August 11, 2006 10:56 PM
I'm really, really proud of you for sticking out that hour, mate. I wouldn't have even agreed to do it. This is just...sick torture. It's in our theaters because we can't use it on prisoners of war.
Posted by: anaxa at August 11, 2006 11:42 PM
Choked on my popcorn. I thought "I walked out." was the entire review.
In the car when we were driving by the theatre, I muttered "It's like 'The Incredibles' for morons."
Here's to a speedy recovery.
Posted by: Mara at August 12, 2006 2:16 AM
This is one of the funniest reviews I've ever read.
Posted by: ecp at August 12, 2006 11:51 AM
When i first read the review i didnt see anything past " i walked out,"
having read the whole thing id say i got more enjoyment, and didnt lose 1.5 hours (please dont say it ran longer than that) or 10 dollars
and to support a previous poster, i just saw brick having high expectations after reading reviews, and found it to be the only movie that lived up to them this whole summer
Posted by: matt at August 13, 2006 2:16 AM
You will be forever remembered among movie critics as: The Man Who Walked Out. Some will call you brave, some a coward. Yours will be a lonely professional life, forever set apart from your peers by your act of--what? Brillance? Defiance? Insanity? History will judge.
Posted by: Chuck at August 13, 2006 1:09 PM
There was a good TV show on PBS called ZOOM. It actually included activities and crafts that encourage kids to be active rather than continue watching TV after the half hour it lasts. When I first heard there would be a movie called Zoom, I actually got excited and thought maybe it would be something decent somehow related to the show. Oh well. I walked out of the Spongebob movie a while back, and I can only respect your decision to do so here.
Posted by: Amanda at August 13, 2006 3:56 PM
The idea of watching this movie makes me throw up just a little bit in my mouth
Posted by: Erika at August 13, 2006 7:32 PM
I have now seen this movie 4 times and plan to see it again next weekend. I simply adored this film experience. You know: Just the other day I was watching "Man of the House" and thinking to myself: "Hey! Wouldn't it be awesome if Tim Allen and Chevy Chase made a movie together?!" and then - like a dream - there it is: Zoom!
I think it's unfair to bash this film as I'm positive that everyone involved in making the film was trying really hard and wanted to be entertaining to the good people like myself who would spend nearly $4 a gallon in gas to get an opportunity to pay nearly $10 for a ticket and nearly $1,700 for a large soda pop,popcorn, and licorice whilst watching the subject of today's review.
I am just utterly at a loss to understand the viciousness that is entwined in each word of this review... How does the reviewer fail to fully appreciate the comic genius of these actors...? These are men who brought us Jungle 2 Jungle. Cops and Robbersons. Hey fella: It says here that these two giants of comedy can make this viewer laugh anytime. Now I hope we can just shake hands and agree to disagree and I was wondering if you could tell the group if there are as yet any plans for The Shaggy Dog II...?
Posted by: Bixby at August 13, 2006 8:34 PM
Bixby makes kittens cry.
Posted by: Vi at August 13, 2006 8:43 PM
I honestly thought "I walked out." was the whole thing the first time I saw this. Then I came back to see comments and discovered the rest of the review.
Posted by: Joe at August 13, 2006 9:44 PM
Bixby.....you're being sarcastic, right? You can't be serious. I refuse to believe you're serious.
Posted by: Daphne at August 13, 2006 10:11 PM
i walked out of Ultra Violet in the first 10 minutes. so if i can't stand that, thank god i didn't try to suffer thru Zoom.
Posted by: rachel at August 13, 2006 11:36 PM
"That plot, such as it is, deals with Jack Shepard (Allen), aka Captain Zoom, the former leader of a team of teen superheroes who were killed fighting their worst enemy, a villain named Concussion (Kevin Zegers). Concussion is also Zoom's brother and was only turned evil in an unfortunate accident at the hands of the secret government facility that had been training the kids and subjecting them to lethal doses of gamma radiation in order to enhance their inherent superpowers."
HOW COULD THIS GET FUCKED UP?
RealSlimShadowen: It's got superheroes, death, and govenrment conspiracy!
In fact, change the name of Allen's character and the focus of the movie--i.e. remove the kid factor--and you could have a dark, edgy superhero comedy. Like a funny version of The Dark Knight Returns.
Besides, I'd really love to see the kinds of fucked-up physics a super-speedster could bring to bear. There's a reason that when I created a superhero team of my own just for fun a while back I called the fast character Shockwave.
But I like the darker idea, because I'd love to see Tim Allen shock everyone with drama chops. Comedians doing good drama rocks, like the previously mentioned Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting.
Dammit, I need the ability to to finish writing something. And an agent. And enough luck to win the lottery.
Posted by: Shadowen at August 14, 2006 12:44 AM
*sighs at typos*
I have to learn to stop copying things from my IM window.
Posted by: Shadowen at August 14, 2006 12:45 AM
Best review I've read in a while, especially with the bit of commentary on American "comedians" thrown in, as well. Good job. :)
Posted by: Laura A at August 14, 2006 9:39 AM
The Incredibles. Sky High.
Shit on this, watch those instead.
End transmission.
Posted by: TK at August 14, 2006 9:50 AM
Years ago, I read a review in a rock magazine for Joan Jett's album "Good Music," that simply said: "Bad Music."
To this day it remains one of the funniest goddamned things I've ever seen written by a critic of any medium.
The review was spectacular as always Daniel, but you could've stopped at your first line and it would've said all we needed to know. Still, kudos I suppose for pressing on.
Posted by: Chez at August 14, 2006 10:24 AM
no, kevin zegers. NO!
sigh. he was so good in transamerica. i had such high hopes. alas.
Posted by: cassie at August 14, 2006 1:44 PM
The comedic genius of this review proves the idea that the secret of comedy is cleverly tweaking expectations.
Posted by: MaiGirl at August 14, 2006 1:54 PM
I don't blame you, Tim Allen is enough to walk out on a movie...and his whole Santa Clause and Home Improvement run in the early 1990s was quite awful to behold (Galaxy Quest was amusing, I'll give it some credit)...So you really deserve a prize for lasting as long as you did...that's one hour of your life you really need back!
Posted by: Gina at August 14, 2006 2:09 PM
I remember reading random reviews in my video movie guide, and there is an old Michael Caine movie from the 70's called The Swarm, about killer bees. The review read, simply: "Inept".
I'd say that applies here.
Posted by: I Love Beets at August 14, 2006 2:56 PM
Okay, I don't feel like reading this review, because I never care to see this movie. But the headline is friggin hilarious. Great job.
Posted by: Jen at August 15, 2006 8:59 AM
I know everyone else has said this but I did love the "I walked out" and long pause shtick ... I actually laughed outloud ... great job :)
Posted by: Maria at August 15, 2006 3:15 PM
Nicely done- I particularly like the compare/contrast with Galaxy Quest which really was an entertaining and clever movie that got a lot more from its talented cast. Except Joey.
Posted by: Go Big Red at August 15, 2006 4:39 PM
The first sentence seriously made me laugh out loud.
You're a brave, brave man for surviving *that* much of it!
Posted by: AD at August 16, 2006 4:45 AM
This movie is really a good case in point. Other reviewers complain about the way Christians, or people in authority, or Republicans (sorry, didn't mean to use profanity there)are portrayed, and that Hollywood is "out of touch" with "the real America". I see it as Hollywood underestimating our intelligence (H.L. Mencken said you couldn't do that in America, since it was so low, and you'd make a lot of money). Are they just assuming we're incredibly stupid and will shell out big bucks to see this crap? I suppose it's all economy driven and they don't think we'll go see intelligent movies. What in the world can we do to convince people to not waste their money on CRAP?
Posted by: Mike at August 16, 2006 1:49 PM
Wow, I was expecting somebody to have seen it, and say whether or not your predictions on the film (how the final fight scene goes, etc.) were dead on. I'm guessing that they were. All of these movies are formulaic.
Killer review, by the way.
Posted by: Daisy at August 16, 2006 1:51 PM
So reminiscent of the two-word review for "Shark Sandwich" in Spinal Tap. Hilarious!
(The review is "Shit Sandwich")
Posted by: Samantha T at August 16, 2006 2:54 PM
Favourite brief review:
Back in the 1980's an ex-member of Yes and an ex-member of Genesis formed a guitar-based rock band called GTR. (Only "hit": "When the Heart Rules the Mind".) The title of their album: GTR.
Artist: GTR.
Album: GTR.
Review: SHT.
Posted by: -j. at August 18, 2006 1:45 PM
"Nicely done- I particularly like the compare/contrast with Galaxy Quest which really was an entertaining and clever movie that got a lot more from its talented cast. Except Joey.
Posted by: Go Big Red at August 15, 2006 04:39 PM"
Which Joey do you refer to?
Yes, Galaxy Quest is an underrated gem. :)
Posted by: Loob at August 23, 2006 10:55 AM
Daisy, and for anyone else wondering how the film ended, the answer to the meaning of life is contained here: http://www.themoviespoiler.com/Spoilers/zoom.html
I haven't seen the film, though, and if Dustin (sorry, Dan) really isn't the antichrist like that guy I met on the sidewalk last week said, I never will be seeing it.
Posted by: Gina at September 1, 2006 11:16 PM
I actually checked back here and scrolled down. I was pretty sure that was all she wrote, as I couldn't even believe there was a review for this.
Posted by: Dave at February 27, 2007 2:53 AM
