Come Sweet Death, One Last Caress
Zombie Strippers / TK
Let’s get one thing straight before we go any further: Zombie Strippers is not a good movie. The acting is so bad I that you’ll think they’re just winging it in some parts, and it lacks anything resembling cohesive direction. Despite having its tongue planted firmly in its cheek, it’s not quite as clever as it wants to be. The special effects are wildly inconsistent in quality, it blatantly disregards much of the zombie mythos, and the music will be an affront to the average ear.
It’s also a fucking blast.
Taking place in the not-too-distant future, the opening of Zombie Strippers is fairly standard as far as tales of undead uprisings go. In the sleepy little town of Sartre, Nebraska (we’ll get to this bit of silliness later), a corporation has been developing a virus ingeniously called the “chemo-virus.” An outbreak occurs. Soldiers are sent in. One of the soldiers gets infected, breaks out, and takes up hiding in an underground strip club. Up until this point, the movie seems to be on pace for another semi-clever, mostly derivative zombie gore fest — a genre which, I confess, I still enjoy the ass off of. However, once the setting shifts to the strip club, the wheels come off with spectacular gusto, and the car goes flying off a cliff and explodes into an orgy of blood, boobs, and riotous laughter.
The infected soldier, who has been hiding in the basement, staggers into the club and mauls the one of the star dancers, Kat (Jenna Jameson — Private Parts, Up and Cummers 20). The conniving club owner, Essko (played with mustache-twirling glee by Robert Englund of A Nightmare on Elm Street and 2001 Maniacs), fearing that the puritanical government of the films new world order will shut his club down if discovered, wrestles the zombie into a cell (why does a strip club have a prison cell in it’s basement, you ask? That’s none of your goddamn business. Shush.), and hides Kat’s body. Within minutes, however, Kat rises from the dead, with only two primal urges remaining: to dance naked and to feed on human flesh. Kat rapidly becomes all the rage in the club (despite her blood-soaked body and the gaping neck wound that she closes with a stapler, not to mention her predilection for eating the patrons ), and soon the rest of the girls become envious of her notoriety. In an effort to compete with her popularity, other girls convince Kat to feed on them, leading to more gore-caked striptease routines, as well as more customers being devoured. The customers, of course, also turn into zombies, and Essko and his partner Madame Blavatasky (Carmit Levité) continue to stuff them into the club’s zombie cage. Meanwhile, the zombie strippers continue to woo the customers, despite becoming more and more gruesome with each passing hour, while the remaining normal girls struggle with the dilemma of whether or not to succumb to zombification in order to contend with their popularity. Eventually, the military returns, the caged zombies break out, the club turns into a bloodbath, and there’s an all-out brawl between the two most popular zombie strippers. There’s also a wholly unnecessary yet amusing subplot about a virginal young farm girl who turns to stripping to pay for her poor Nana’s colostomy. It’s sort of like Mean Girls, if Mean Girls had been made with constant, gratuitous nudity, stomach-turning scenes of male genitalia being torn off, disembowelments, and gunfights with the undead.
Rarely does one encounter a movie that lives up to its title as thoroughly as Zombie Strippers does. I mean, there are strippers … and they become zombies … and they continue to strip. It’s about as straightforward as you can get. There is something to be said for that. However, what surprised me is that Zombie Strippers actually has loftier aspirations than to simply be a movie about naked dancing reanimated corpses (as if that weren’t enough of an accomplishment). In addition to that, it’s also a decent socio-political satire, and most surprisingly, homage to existentialist Theatre of the Absurd. Yes, you read that correctly. The satire in the movie is not terribly subtle — from the opening faux newscast that mentions Dubya (with Ahnuld as his VP, no less … shudder) being elected to a fourth term after a change in electoral laws, to the strip club being an “underground” club since nudity, foul language and basically fun in general have all been outlawed in this dystopian future — Zombie Strippers wants you to believe that it has a message. A message, people. In a movie called Zombie Strippers. It’s either the most clever, subversive concept ever or so mind-numbingly stupid I that I want to pour boiling water into my brain — quite possibly both. Of course, this isn’t the first movie about the the walking dead to tread this ground — but it may well be the most ridiculous one to do so, which makes the satirical content all the more unusual. The rampant Theatre of the Absurd references throughout the movie are even more bizarre. Everything from the names of the characters — Englund’s “Ian Essko,” a soldier named Major Camus, and a stripper named Berengé — to the crises of self that the strippers suffer from, all lead back to the same Existentialist roots. Not to mention the more blatant references — people hopelessly dancing as zombies over and over until they start to fall apart, ultimately leading to their own destruction. Of course, this all takes place in a town called Sartre, where strippers read Nietzsche and randomly speak lines directly lifted from Ionesco’s Rhinoceros.
Unfortunately, these things are ultimately what makes Zombie Strippers start to teeter under the weight of its own ridiculousness. Director Jay Lee, best known for … well, this, actually, sometimes tries a little too hard to be coy. The film’s constant winking at the audience, its relentless efforts to be dumb-yet-smart, all eventually start to become a little too precious and a little too deliberate. God knows I enjoy satire as much as the next person, but Zombie Strippers lays it on a bit thick, to the extent that it almost feels like it’s mocking the viewers who don’t get the joke. Of course, this is made worse by the fact that to be frank, the joke isn’t always very good to begin with.
But once you strip away (hey-o!) all of the unnecessary pretense, the goofy subtext, and the oh-so-goddamn-cleverness, you’re left with… well, you’re left with zombie strippers. And that part is absolutely worth seeing. If you’re a fan of the zombie genre (and if you’re not, I’m shaking my head sadly right now), it’s a must-see. If you’re a fan of strippers… um… never mind. Moving on! What makes the movie so gratifying is that it’s obvious that everyone involved is enjoying themselves. Despite most of the cast being average-to-poor actors, they’re clearly having a ball with the material, and that goofiness is infectious. The violence is completely over-the-top, so you won’t have to worry about squirming or seeing deliberately shocking violence like you’ll find in Hostel or its awful ilk. In fact, the special effects are actually pretty fascinating; the zombie makeup is actually pretty damn good. It’s no Tom Savini, but given the obvious shoestring budget, it’s pretty impressive. The other effects, however (explosions, guns, etc.) are flat-out terrible.
Perhaps it’s a waste of time, but the acting deserves to be mentioned. Overall, it’s not good, if not downright cringe-worthy in some parts. Englund is his usual hammy self, which you will actually enjoy. Jameson is surprisingly decent, considering that her dialogue consists of something more than awful entendres towards an oiled-up plumber(and that she delivers most of her lines while naked and covered in zombie ichor). While the remaining cast isn’t going to win any awards, or probably ever even break out of this level of movie, they seemed content with their roles and were honestly enjoying themselves.
On the stripper side of it, I suppose it bears mentioning that the nakedness in Zombie Strippers is constant and almost desensitizing. You will see breasts of all shapes and sizes. You will see real breasts and fake breasts and breasts with pierced nipples. Most importantly, you will see all of those breasts rot and corrode and look altogether gross. It will give you an entirely new opinion of strip clubs. I used to think that Beansnappers in Appleton, WI was the worst strip club scene I’d ever see — I mean, one of those women had a fresh tattoo of a bleeding rose. On her face. Zombie Strippers is here to show me that I was wrong. Gleefully, gorily, gloriously wrong. For a solid 20 minutes after the soldier breaks into the night club, the movie cycles through the following rotation of scenes: Girl dances, takes off clothes. Girl gets bitten by zombies, dies horribly. Girl rises from dead, has irresistible undead urge to dance, take off clothes. Girl takes customer in back for lap-dance. Girl eats customer in gruesome, flesh-tearing, organ chewing fashion, usually starting with the groinal area. New girl dances, takes off clothes. Repeat. After that it gets even better.
While I’m usually a bit irate when people mess with the canons of the things I love (Zombies shouldn’t be able to speak, let alone form thoughts and ideas… or dance), I’m willing to forgive Zombie Strippers simply because of its admirable dedication to pushing the comedy/horror envelope. In fact, there’s a scene where the two main strippers Kat (Jameson) and Jeannie (Shamron Moore) face off in a topless undead battle to the death that truly has to be seen to be believed. I don’t want to spoil it, but let’s just say billiard balls and severed limbs are involved. It’s vile and crude and I was nearly in tears from laughing so hard. The sheer inventiveness of the movie deserves a substantial amount of credit. After the dozens upon dozens of zombie movies that have come out, ranging in quality from the literally brilliant (Night of the Living Dead, Shaun of the Dead) to the absolutely, not even ironically awful (House of the Dead, Zombie vs. Ninja), to see one that actually has some freshness to it is damn impressive. Believe me: when you get to the climactic final battle between zombie patrons, club employees, random military forces and the zombie strippers, I guarantee it’ll feel like the first time (by that I mean it’s loud, painful, hysterically funny and a gruesome marvel to behold. OK, maybe that was just my first time. Never mind.)
As I said in the beginning, this is not a good movie. If you don’t already have an attachment to the zombie genre, you’ll probably hate it. If you’ve never giggled uncontrollably at the accidental comedy in Sci-Fi Channel movies, then this ain’t for you. If you’re offended by the concept of strip clubs, well, this damn well isn’t going to help things. But if you’re a little bit bent like me, and you think that seeing a topless woman with a gaping stomach wound tear a man’s arms off and beat him to death with them is high comedy, then I’ve got some outstanding news for you. It’s far from a classic, but it’s got just enough of the right ingredients to make it worthwhile.
TK can be found wandering aimlessly through suburban Massachusetts, wondering how the hell he got there while yelling at the kids on his lawn. You can find him raising the dead in preparation for world domination at Uncooked Meat.
Then She Found Me | | Pajiba Love 04/30/08
Comments
Zombies, strippers, blood and cheese. What more could a girl ask for?
Posted by: trixie at April 30, 2008 2:43 PM
I have never done this before, but I am TOTALLY printing this review to take into a meeting with me. I can't possibly be expected to sit through the entire meeting knowing this is here and not being able to read it. Nope, can't do it.
I think this is how heroin addicts start justifying their addiction too...I'm just sayin'...
Posted by: Lainey at April 30, 2008 2:48 PM
Weirdly enough, horror has always been a bastion for political satire. It's kind of like South Park. The product is so cheaply made and quickly thrown together, it's easy to be fresh. Plus horror stories are always used as cleverly packaged ways to titilate (heh heh) teenagers while labeling premarital relations as dangerous. The Hook Man preys on couples necking on the side of the road. The Last Girl to Survive is always the girl who's a virgin.
Regardless, you've written a brilliant review, you magnificient son of a bitch.
Posted by: insertclevernamehere at April 30, 2008 2:49 PM
GREAT review, TK, absolutely awesome. I will be seeing this for sure... Sartre, Nebraska? Seriously?
Posted by: nancy at April 30, 2008 2:52 PM
Wow, this gets a postive review from both the LA Times (not that that carries any weight) and Pajiba?
I.Must.See.
Posted by: Riles at April 30, 2008 2:54 PM
But if you're a little bit bent like me, and you think that seeing a topless woman with a gaping stomach wound tear a mans arms off and beat him to death with them is high comedy...
Oh my GOD. Sold. Sold sold sold. I need to watch this with a large group of people and an ever larger amount of alcohol as soon as possible or I will be a very unhappy Julie.
It just sounds so...glorious.
Posted by: Julie at April 30, 2008 2:57 PM
TK...i haven't read this yet and won't be able to for a bit cuz I have a meeting to get to 2 minutes ago...but you are the mothereffing BOMB! I can't wait to read this.
Posted by: PissBoy at April 30, 2008 3:00 PM
Of course, this all takes place in a town called Sartre, where strippers read Nietzsche and randomly speak lines directly lifted from Ionesco's Rhinoceros.
Um...is this the right movie we're talking about?
Posted by: Kamikaze Feminist at April 30, 2008 3:01 PM
TK, I am awed that this movie got such a thorough and candid review. Very nicely done.
Also, echoing the above sentiments: Sold. I've got a horror-junkie buddy who I'm sure will be glad to check this out with me.
Posted by: Sean at April 30, 2008 3:04 PM
Finally, another zombie flick to get excited about!
Great review, TK
Posted by: TMax at April 30, 2008 3:06 PM
Uh-oh. PissBoy is off to a meeting? What kind of gathering could that be?
Everyone, run. Run and hide, NOW.
Posted by: Riles at April 30, 2008 3:06 PM
This is a real movie? For relas?
I have Pajiba as on of the RSS feeds on my MyYahoo page. I go to it just now, mainly to see if Cuban has posted yet about last night's Mavs loss and I see this item listed with the pic and figure "Let's see what sort of diversion/roundup/column this is" Did not expect an actual review.
while the remaining normal girls struggle with the dilemma of whether or not to succumb to zombification in order to contend with their popularity.
Sounds like high school
Posted by: Brian at April 30, 2008 3:06 PM
I am watching this, stat.
Posted by: tt_marie at April 30, 2008 3:07 PM
Well, I already knew when I heard this movie was being made that I would need to see it. Now I know I will need to OWN it. There is nothing I love more than a sucktacular extravaganza of funny and functionally retarded flesh eating.
Posted by: Sarina at April 30, 2008 3:15 PM
It's hard to type when your eyes are welling with tears of sheer joy...
Beautiful review, TK.
There was a discussion earlier in the week regarding stupid movie titles - "Zombie Strippers" works on so many beautiful, shambling levels... I... I am happy. For the first time in my life... I am truly happy.
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at April 30, 2008 3:18 PM
I was going to stay far, far away from this......until now. Now I HAVE to see this. Blood, gore, gratuitous nudity, over-the-top violence, limb-severing, organ-chewing......jeebus...I need to lie down. I. MUST. SEE. THIS. NOW.
Posted by: dammitjanet at April 30, 2008 3:19 PM
Amazing review - I can't wait to see this. I've actually been waiting for a movie to come out where a zombie rips some dude's arms off and beats him to death with them. No joke. It looks like I'll get what I wanted and a whole lot more - excellent.
Posted by: B.F.D. at April 30, 2008 3:21 PM
I just can't, y'all. You know I'm a big pussy about guts and gore and random body parts going places where they aren't supposed to go, because they're supposed to be ON THE PERSON'S BODY.
Not even for you, Jules. I just can't.
Posted by: Nicole at April 30, 2008 3:21 PM
Sold on title alone!
Posted by: Monica at April 30, 2008 3:21 PM
a topless undead battle to the death
ha ha ha - i'm not a fan of either genre(?) but that actually sounds amusing
Posted by: mswas at April 30, 2008 3:26 PM
mswas Is Stripper Movie a genre?
Posted by: Brian at April 30, 2008 3:27 PM
[shakes head sadly]
Nicole my love...you disappoint me. If I could detach my arms and beat you to death while simutaneously working the pole, I would. :p
I just called my brother to tell him about this review, and he was squealing at just the idea of zombies and strippers and boobies and gore and gun fights and boobies.
TK, your review made me laugh out loud, so even though it hurts to talk, I thank you anyway. And wait till PissBoy reads this, the Savini reference alone will make him squee.
Posted by: Julie at April 30, 2008 3:29 PM
I swear I would fly to Boston just to watch TK watch a zombie film. That's how great this review is.
Posted by: PaddyDog at April 30, 2008 3:33 PM
TK, are there any strippers in your zombie horde?
Posted by: Trouble at April 30, 2008 3:34 PM
Holy Drooping Breastsesss, Batman!
Awesome review, TK. Hell yes, this looks like a great get-drunk-and laugh-your-ass-off movie! Must go find it, tonight!
This should be playing nonstop in the MurderTank's™ big screen while on our tour...
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 30, 2008 3:39 PM
yes indeed. This review was so fucking good, I need a post-read cigarette. Please please PLEASE let this come to New Orleans.
Posted by: isabelle at April 30, 2008 3:41 PM
Is Stripper Movie a genre?
Brian I don't really know, thus the question mark. Better to say "type"?
Posted by: mswas at April 30, 2008 3:44 PM
Wow was this review nothing like I expected and hit home in a particularly coincidental way for me. I literally just walked out of an exam on, wait for it, existentialism (Heidegger and Sartre). Moreover, an exam I have on Wednesday is on Modern Drama; we read Sartre, Camus AND Ionesco. I feel like those absurdist dramatic theorists would take offense to the allusions. I'd hesitate to call the film an homage to the theatre of the absurd just because absurdist theatre is done in anti-conventional ways. That's the point which this movie seems to miss...it's a conventional zombie movie in every other way. Bummer, because the idea of zombies as existential fodder or absurdist political has nearly limitless possibilities in my zombie-loving opinion. By the way, TK, while I like "groinal area", I much prefer "junkular region". Just thought it was worth noting.
Posted by: jbag at April 30, 2008 3:45 PM
TK, are there any strippers in your zombie horde?
He steadfastly denies it...which can only mean he's hoarding (HAH!) them for himself.
Julie, my dear...I'll pay money for you to beat me with my own arms while working a pole...
And you disappoint me too, Nicole. That just means we'll have to tie you down and force you to watch this.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 30, 2008 3:48 PM
Julie, my dear...I'll pay money for you to beat me with my own arms while working a pole...
Deal Shadows, but only if I can chant "Quit hittin yourself, quit hittin yourself" while doing so.
Posted by: Julie at April 30, 2008 3:52 PM
Holy shit! TK. did you just allude to "Beansnappers"? Christ! Just 30 minutes away from that place myself. Although, I have to say you did not see the worst there. Not when I've heard stories of the lactating stripper in Oshkosh. I'm pretty sure that's as bad as it gets. I think I'd rather get a lapdance from a zombie-stripper and have her lap fall off halfway through "Girls, Girls, Girls" than see that.
Posted by: Max at April 30, 2008 3:54 PM
Damn, now I know what my next Halloween costume will be...;-)
Now where's my purple feather boa and matching G-string?
Posted by: angelbabe at April 30, 2008 3:57 PM
Can't we get scenes from THIS movie to play in the sidebar, instead of that Frontier piece of shit that is creeping me the hell out? I'm putting sticky notes right now on my monitor so I don't have to see it any more...
Posted by: nancy at April 30, 2008 4:02 PM
Wait...there's a zombie vs. ninja movie?! Who the...what the...why the HELL didn't anyone tell me about this?
*gets car keys*
God damned, sonuva...
*screeches away towards Best Buy*
I can't believe this summbitch was holding out on me...
*plunks down cash on counter, asks overweight girl in too tight Best Buy polo for zombie vs. ninja dvd*
Posted by: Manny at April 30, 2008 4:02 PM
but only if I can chant "Quit hittin yourself, quit
hittin yourself" while doing so.
Sigh, the things I'll do for online, superficial love/lust...
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 30, 2008 4:06 PM
Oh bless you TK!!!! I was SO hoping you'd be the reviewer for this (you earned it after that damned Lifetime movie debacle)! And YAY!!!! I'll be going to see it this weekend... I guess that makes me bent...
Posted by: Who'sThatGirl at April 30, 2008 4:11 PM
I believe this is the first time I've actually had to squeegee 'Jiban juice off my monitor...
Agreed w/SoD - this must play on the MurderTank - if there were a way to project this through the spiked headlights so we could watch while driving? EVEN. BETTER.
Nicole... c'mon now. Zombies are Godtopus' way of saying "Since it wasn't practical to create you in my own image, here's some walking dead that're looking to devour your insides!"
That made no sense, but you get the idea...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at April 30, 2008 4:12 PM
just outta curiousity... is there going to be a review of "Frontier"?
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at April 30, 2008 4:13 PM
Excellent review, my good man. And if it weren't for the fact that zombies suck hard (even without Jenna involved), I would totally watch it.
Seriously, fuck zombies. And if anybody starts that "Braiiiinnnsss..." shit, I will make it my life's mission to hunt you down and drive my size 12 Timberland into your vocal chords.
Fucking zombies.
Posted by: Vermillion at April 30, 2008 4:18 PM
Heeeee...believe me Shadows there's nothing to lust over right now. I'm still in my jammies, haven't showered, and the back of my throat is so raw I sound like I just spent ten hours demonstrating technique at the Blow Job Convention*.
*Otherwise known as Saturday at my college roommate's house. Cheap shot, ooooh.
Skitt, viewing the movie THROUGH the headlights?...your brilliance always astounds. I'm assuming Minimus would man (no, that's not the right word...Minimus would turkey-clawed-conjoined-twin) the projector.
Posted by: Julie at April 30, 2008 4:21 PM
Aw man, TK, your review actually convinced me watch this one. I am that picky zombie fan who gets grumbly about the fast-moving undead. You made this movie sound pretty darn entertaining, in a really baaaad knock-off of From Dusk 'Til Dawn kind of way.
When I was in college, I wanted nothing more than to direct Ionesco's The Chairs for my direction class. My professor wouldn't allow it, said it was too long. Bastard.
Posted by: Alabamapink at April 30, 2008 4:27 PM
So, I should see Zombie Strippers because I enjoy the idea of watching a film about zombie strippers though I know my Oscar-film/smart-indie-cinema enjoying brain should reject any notion of viewing a film about zombie strippers? And it's intentionally existential/theater of the absurd? I'm already having a crisis of self just from making it through the reference paragraph.
Bring it on. So bad it's good and bad all over again with Robert Englund can rarely go wrong. Even then it takes an extraordinarily unskilled production to ruin it (hi Hatchet).
And this might be the longest review I've ever seen on Pajiba. And it's for a film about zombies and strippers (and possibly zombie strippers?). I'm impressed, TK. I'm very impressed.
Posted by: Robert at April 30, 2008 4:34 PM
I would love to get inside Jenna Jameson's head. Just once. I would look for the part where she says to herself, "Self," she says, "self, the porn is getting old. I think it's time for me to get serious. I wanna be a serious model/actress."
Calls agent.
"Hey agent!" she says. "I wanna be a serious actress/model."
"Oh Jenna!" exclaims agent, tears of joy welling up from his bowels. "I have a script you simply must read."
It must be glorious to live inside the Jameson. It's like Paula Abdul, but with more dumb.
Posted by: boo at April 30, 2008 4:36 PM
It's like Paula Abdul, but with more dumb.
Is that possible?
Posted by: mswas at April 30, 2008 4:38 PM
unfortunately, there is no such thing as too stupid these days. i keep thinking we are close to the bottom of the barrel, and then i must recalculate my expectations. little did we know that zero really CAN be a denominator!!! /somewhat humorous disgust
Posted by: boo at April 30, 2008 4:40 PM
Can I note that the tagline to this movie is "They'll dance for a fee...but devour you for free"?!?!
Love it.
Posted by: Julie at April 30, 2008 4:42 PM
I can't stand zombie movies.
It's not that I think I'm too intellectual for them, really. It's because they scare the everloving shit out of me. I couldn't watch Shawn of the Dead without freaking the fuck out. In the case of a zombie apocalypse, I'll pass out from sheer terror before I can even run and hide.
That said... Absurdist references? Sartre, Nebraska? A character named IAN ESSKO? Why does the universe torture me so?! I might have to convince a bunch of friends to watch this movie while I sit in the next room and occasionally peek in, shriek with terror, and run back out.
Posted by: That Girl at April 30, 2008 4:48 PM
Oh god. I know it's Shaun of the Dead. I'll just go slink off to my zombie-free corner now.
Posted by: That Girl at April 30, 2008 4:50 PM
Gods. If this movie can even do a little to wipe away the bad memories of Beansnappers (a place that put me off strippers in general for a good decade), then it's a must see.
Posted by: wylderwolf at April 30, 2008 5:06 PM
I like naked women AND brains. This could be the ultimate movie for me, until I can find a real woman who can tolerate me.
Posted by: Zuffle at April 30, 2008 5:15 PM
So I have this long of shit I want after this hellmester is over, and now this movie is at the top of it. I'm definitely seeing Iron Man this weekend. School be damned.
Posted by: jM at April 30, 2008 5:35 PM
Having been part owner of a strip club, I take issue with your denouncement of the dance profession. I have employed some wonderful girls. Now I will admit that some of them bitches are useless, but the vast majority of these girls are above reproach. Most of these girls come from broken homes and need a helping hand to reach there dreams. If a girl do dope around me or the club, she will not be a part of the family. Some of them don't have men in there lives, so at times I can find them a man to date. Then they will have a good relationship to help raise there kids. I hate the way sometimes pajiba objectify women.
Posted by: Pookie at April 30, 2008 5:36 PM
Beansnappers and fresh face tattoos have nothing on Players in Lubbock, TX where I have personally observed a noticeably pregnant stripper, and one who had a physical abnormality that I only know to describe as a 'baby arm'. The Bunny Run, outside of Lubbock, is known for it's stripper who resembles the Michelin Man much more than what one would normally imagine a stripper to be.
Posted by: Kitty X at April 30, 2008 5:41 PM
That was...disturbingly graphic, Kitty X
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 30, 2008 5:49 PM
Kitty X, sometimes a women might not have the perfect body for the stripping game. I've known some that had abnormalities such as a club foot, or one leg might be a longer than the other leg. These girls need to make money to survive. If a women is pregnant she can go work in the back of the club in one the hospitality rooms. I do not discriminate, I had one who had three fingers fused together, but that didn't stop her from making money to feed her kids. I do not look down on deformed girls, I think all women should be giving a chance to reach there dreams.
Posted by: Pookie at April 30, 2008 5:54 PM
I live for bad SciFi movies. I have 37 zombie plans. This movie seems to have been made for me and yet I honestly didn't like anything about what I saw in the trailer. It was trying too fucking hard and it was too aware of itself to be one of those so bad it's good Scifi movies (I'm looking at you Quentin Tarantino).
I may give it a shot even if I still haven't recovered from I am Legend. I don't understand why Hollywood hates me. I mean, I'm a good person. I don't care when you mess with comedy. Give me all the bad chick flicks I can stand. Fuck with historical drama and I won't say a word (I'll be thinking douchebag though), but why do they have to mess with Scifi? It could be so good ... also ... a note to every horror movie director ... ENOUGH BREASTS!
Posted by: LittleDead at April 30, 2008 7:12 PM
This movies got nothin on me. It should have been fat zombie strippers.
It was 3 in the am and some friends and I were driving back from spring break my freshman year of university, and we found an 18 and older club in KY.
Mind you that this is the mid-early-morning-am-shift time, which means that all the tail has scurried home, leaving the curds, or chaff, or whatever you want to call them, behind.
Slim Pickens.
So i'm sitting at an empty area talking with a friend, when up jumps the "fat" stripper dressed as a cheerleader. Honestly, it was horrible, but I was too naive and nice at that point that I couldn't bring myself to get up and walk away. I mean, seriously, how could I destroy a person anymore than that?
So I stomached it, and tipped her a couple bucks at the end.
Posted by: chad at April 30, 2008 7:29 PM
Chad, you are your friends really show what it is to be male chauvinist pigs, let them girls make there tips. I'm not surprised you ran into slim pickens at that time of morning. At the club I had I would let the not so hot ones have a chance to make some money after the pretty girls left for the night. Sometimes the husky girls would really hustle for some money they would be sweating and everything. If the husky girls couldn't dance, I would put them to work in the back of the club in the hospitality rooms.
Posted by: Pookie at April 30, 2008 7:46 PM
So was hanging in strip club with Slim Pickens, Chad.
Posted by: Brian at April 30, 2008 8:11 PM
If you've never giggled uncontrollably at the accidental comedy in Sci-Fi Channel movies, then this ain't for you.
Oh man, I always tell my roommates about the hilarious shit I see on the Sci-Fi channel, and they always look at me funny.
Posted by: the_wakeful at April 30, 2008 8:36 PM
haha beansnappers?! thee go-to place for any and all bachelor parties... haha wat a great place! ...now i have to see this movie...
Posted by: shirE at April 30, 2008 9:15 PM
Man, I'm gonna get my own apartment one day and have a shelf of DVDs full of horror movies, zombie movies, action movies, BSG, Venture Brothers and Veronica Mars. I can see it now, and it makes ME very happy but it doesn't speak well for my ability to seamlessly blend in with the rest of society. I will have to wait till this comes out on DVD to see it because if I got as drunk as I would want to be to watch it, they wouldn't let me into a movie theater. It sounds fantastic.
Awww, Vermillion my ex didn't like zombies either. We watched Slither which is totally NOT a zombie movie and he still got kinda freaked out. Don't worry, no one will force it on you.
Unless you're trying to get back together with a girl you dumped a year ago who knows you hate zombie movies. Woo!
Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at April 30, 2008 9:17 PM
Wow. How far has Al Pacino fallen that a movie starring Jenna Jameson where she's not sucking schlong gets a better review than his latest?
Posted by: JP at April 30, 2008 9:32 PM
It must be glorious to live inside the Jameson. It's like Paula Abdul, but with more dumb.
It may be due to the Botox crossing into the brain. Either that, or the removal of the implants was the problem.
Posted by: Melody at April 30, 2008 10:23 PM
Well this sucks. Why? Can you guess the likelihood of a zombie stripper movie actually getting wide release in Australia? It'll quietly go straight to DVD and I won't realise for MONTHS. MONTHS I will have to go without an absurdist zombie stripper movie. Stupid beautiful health care giving but zombie strippin' withholding country. Bah.
(awesome review TK. Except I can't stop typing 'zombie stripper' and I need to write up a report for my boss . . . Payroll And Zombie Stripping, KPI's for the new financial year - it works, right?)
Posted by: TallulahBelle at April 30, 2008 11:05 PM
Julie, you can't work the pole and beat some hapless sucker with one of your arms at the same time? You seriously need to work on your quads, missy.
I'm a little disappointed that they tried to make this movie talk all smart n' stuff. Worthy of a DVD dinner party anyways.
Posted by: Kris at May 1, 2008 1:21 AM
Hells yes. I'm there!
I've been waiting for this little puppy to arrive on our fair screens...
My only question, when does it come out in London?
Posted by: missh at May 1, 2008 6:46 AM
Nope. Nuh uh. No way.
Not for Julie, nor Shadows, nor Skitt. I just can't do it.
*hangs head in shame and self-loathing*
Posted by: Nicole at May 1, 2008 8:55 AM
What? No sweater vests?
Posted by: BWeaves at May 1, 2008 10:12 AM
Mmmmm, it seems he is very interested in dating wealthy young woman. I saw him on "S e e k i n g R i c h . c o m " last week.
Posted by: Kate at May 1, 2008 10:19 AM
aww man!
I go home sick early one day and I miss the review for Zombie Strippers?!!?
bloody hell......
Posted by: Bethy at May 1, 2008 12:19 PM
I saw a bunch of posters for this taped up over the Mass Pike (major highway). It was weather worn and about nine of them were plastered together. I couldn't figure out if it was an event, a movie or a joke.
Thanks for clearning things up.
Posted by: artificialsweet at May 1, 2008 12:23 PM
Well said TallulahBelle ! Stupid Australian movie releasing schedule. Incidentally, how can you combine KPIs with zombie strippers ?
I tried with lab reports now my boss looks at me funny.
Posted by: Dr Nick at May 2, 2008 1:47 AM
Another movie that lives up to its title... FRANKENHOOKER. I can't decide if I'd recommend it, but it made for one seriously uncomfortable first date.
Posted by: EChicago at May 5, 2008 6:10 PM
Nice Misfits reference in the title.
I have to see this movie. It's called motherfucking Zombie Strippers. How could I not?
FINALLY!! You win my "most favored commenter" prize. -TK
Posted by: Iriska at May 8, 2008 4:07 AM
Oh, man. I'm totally buying this as soon as it comes out.
And, for the record, Jenna's got her issues but she's actually a really smart, really funny chick who doesn't take herself too seriously.
Posted by: Melissa at May 10, 2008 2:47 PM