Pajiba

And they didn't have a problem with the Good Luck Chuck poster?

There's no way that's your O face if you can actually manage to get a guy to go down under. Maybe that's because of all that pubic hair, though. It's possible she can't feel a thing.

Also, people from Canadia are whores? I had no idea. Maybe I should move.... when I greet people with a drop to my knees and a pull of a zipper, they get all freaked out.

How is that poster dirty? Their heads are in the wrong places.

if you can actually manage to get a guy to go down under.

You're not saying she looks relatively unimpressed, are you? Like it's a really rare, special occasion?

For those of you wondering as to the specifics of the Canadian greeting, it goes like this: It lasts approximately 20 to 30 minutes, and starts off passionate kissing, followed by ten minutes of oral, and then 15 to 20 minutes of fucking (three or four positions, each lasting five minutes), followed by the money shot. This is the appropriate way to greet friends, strangers, Pizza Delivery Boys, Mechanics and Plumbers.

Well, most guys I know are perfectly happy to get their knob polished, but when you look for a little reciprocation, they act like you asked them to go down on their mom. So, at least in my experience, yes- rare, special occasion.

So, actually, since they both look completely surprised in the poster, I guess it's perfect: he's surprised that Elizabeth Banks is hanging around his nether regions, and she's surprised that any person of the male persuasion is anywhere near hers.

I think most Pajibans will follow Julie's suggestion and wear hoodies to go see this. Efrons everywhere!

Is it really that rare, or is it comparitively rare? I mean, in my experience it seems that men expect it pretty much 100% of the time, whereas only about 66-75% of them reciprocate.

No, that face is like that of many ladies: two parts surprise/joy that he's even down there, three parts confusion/faking a better time than is actually being had. (With exceptions, of course. I give a standing ovation to the connoisseurs out there.)

Well, most guys I know are perfectly happy to get their knob polished, but when you look for a little reciprocation, they act like you asked them to go down on their mom. So, at least in my experience, yes- rare, special occasion.

Okay, I'm gonna risk assuming that you don't know me all too well and are winding me up...

You're saying this is something that needs to be requested, and needs to be requested as reciprocation as well, as it would be unthinkable as an initial, let alone isolated, activity, never MIND something you didn't have to mention.

So I'll go and quote Fred Schneider:

GET OUT OF THE STATE!! GET OUT OF THE STATE YOU'RE IN!!

For those of you wondering as to the specifics of the Canadian greeting, it goes like this: It lasts approximately 20 to 30 minutes, and starts off passionate kissing, followed by ten minutes of oral, and then 15 to 20 minutes of fucking (three or four positions, each lasting five minutes), followed by the money shot. This is the appropriate way to greet friends, strangers, Pizza Delivery Boys, Mechanics and Plumbers.

Home sweet home.

Hm. Maybe I need to be friends with Jay....

Well, most guys I know are perfectly happy to get their knob polished, but when you look for a little reciprocation, they act like you asked them to go down on their mom. So, at least in my experience, yes- rare, special occasion.

The exact same opposite happens to me. My guy always wants to spend time at my Special Valley and he's never even hinted he wants recirpocation. Red flag or the perfect man? You decide.

Hey, I do what I can with what I've got, but what I can do I also like a lot.

Eddie Izzard's phrase is "penis ambivalent". After all, I thought I was there because I'm excited about the female body. All's I care is that I get in the game here and there.

That's just not right AvB, and you shouldn't stand for it! A guy should be thrilled to get you off in that way and vice versa. There is nothing hotter than hearing your partner moan.

P.S. Jay is my new favorite human.

Oh how I wish 'Ernest Cline's: "Cunning Linguistcs" spoken word was available on the internets.

It is relevant to this moment!

Sofía, time to take the initiative. I, like your guy, don't hint at reciprocation, because surprises are much more fun for both. I just assume that she wants me down there often.

Besides, is there really a right way to tell your wife to come slob your knob?

The exact same opposite happens to me. My guy always wants to spend time at my Special Valley and he's never even hinted he wants recirpocation. Red flag or the perfect man? You decide.

Posted by: Sofía

Ahh, Sofia, my sweet little Parisian minx ...if your man is waving red flags whilst pleasuring you and has no desire for reciprocation, he's probably a Commumist.

Now, while I'm opposed to Communism as an ideology, it is scientifically proven that they are the best in the sack. That's science. I have a pie graph that explains it.

Long story short, you dig your claws into that man and do NOT let go. To that end, I recommend chloroform.

Mella,

Funny thing is... he actually IS a communist.

Well, most guys I know are perfectly happy to get their knob polished, but when you look for a little reciprocation, they act like you asked them to go down on their mom. So, at least in my experience, yes- rare, special occasion.
Lady, you are dating the wroooooong kind of men. That is a deal-breaker, right there.

Why do you seem surpised, Sofia? I told you I have a pie graph.

Sofia, mi dulce niña Especial del Valle, that was supposed to be our little secret!

Anyone who has difficulty getting their dude to address their ladyparts should refrain from associating with bitch ass dudes.
As for the poster...it's obviously incorrect. Seth Rogen's amorous face doesn't look anything like that. i know because I saw him at a Daily Show taping and ...well let's just say they had to change my seat cause of all the moisture. Seth is fuckin hot in real life. Hefty guys w/ glasses. Chyeah.

For those of you wondering as to the specifics of the Canadian greeting, it goes like this: It lasts approximately 20 to 30 minutes, and starts off passionate kissing, followed by ten minutes of oral, and then 15 to 20 minutes of fucking (three or four positions, each lasting five minutes), followed by the money shot. This is the appropriate way to greet friends, strangers, Pizza Delivery Boys, Mechanics and Plumbers.

Damn Jeremy, I'd think I'd be damn glad to
meet you!

Oh, Che... Secret? The other night you were all "hmmph--I think it's time---hmphhh--we---slurp!----tell---everyone---yum!"

Make up your mind!

Hee! "Special Valley". Awesome, Sofia. I'm totally stealing that.

I think I'm just tired and being bitter today. Mr. vB is certainly happy to "visit my Special Valley", and quite adept to boot. Of course, we've been together a long time, so that part of the relationship has waned some. I guess I should just go home and rip off his clothes tonight!

Oh, and Julie, I've had a crush on Jay for quite some time. I will totally fight you for him.

Also, I have a crush on Jeremy. I'm kind of a crush whore. I really should move to Canadia...

I'm going to have to vouch for Jeremy's description of Canadian greetings. I personally look forward to my morning walk to the bus. Nothing gets my day going like a good ol'suck and blow and some eating out. If I have time, I like to finish off with some up-against-the-wall-of-a-Tim-Hortons bangalang, but only if time permits.
Living in Ottawa has it's advantages....I could run into Stephen Harper one day...imagine that encounter.

wait

NO DON'T! My brain! I think I took that joke a little too far.

(oh and in my experience, the boys love spending time in my "Special Valley")

Fuck a bunch of reciprocity. If you wanna head south, head south - don't be so damn structured about everything - it's not a balance game. Don't do it because you "owe it." That said, if you're mate doesn't enjoy heading south... time to leave that beater by the side of the road and find a new ride.

Make up your mind!

Posted by: Sofía at September 5, 2008 11:27 AM

So many things get said in the heat of the moment. But my mind is made up! I don't care who knows how much time I spend in the Special Valley...

So many things get said in the heat of the moment. But my mind is made up! I don't care who knows how much time I spend in the Special Valley...

Posted by: Che Grovera

Aw, Special Valley. That's sweet. My last Commie boyfriend called it The Gulag. I just told him, "Whatever, Komrad. You know the rules, from you according to your ability, to me according to my needs!!"

Mella,

Any other pie graphs I should know about?

Any other pie graphs I should know about?

Posted by: Sofía

Sorry, no. But I did have to have a pie graft in high school. I wrecked my Vespa got second degree roadrash on my vagooter.

Oh, Mella, I'm sorry to hear your Special Valley caught fire. The trees did grow back, didn't they?

Why do I feel like the only thing Seth is doing in that picture is looking at her bellybutton? Maybe that's why Banks' face is so surprised. She thought he at least knew where he was going. Or this could be a shot right before she takes his head and positions it to where it needs to be. You can see it in her shoulders, she's about to strike.

40 yr old Virgin plus Good Luck Chuck equals poster gold!

For my money, I think it should've been a picture, a side profile, of Rogen sitting in front of a computer screen, doritos and cheap beer abound, with a death grip on his chubby lil' Jonah Hill.

Elizabeth banks could be in the background, walking in on him.

Oh, Mella, I'm sorry to hear your Special Valley caught fire. The trees did grow back, didn't they?

Posted by: Sofía

Actually, the skin graft came from some dead guy's donated chin tissue. So...yeah. The trees grow in just fine, but if I don't do a control burn every other day the damn underbrush gets out of hand.

I'm saving up for electrolysis.

Actually, the skin graft came from some dead guy's donated chin tissue.
Posted by: Mella

Hopefully it resembles Seth Rogen's chin. It certainly looks like a Special Valley.

Fuck a bunch of reciprocity. If you wanna head south, head south - don't be so damn structured about everything - it's not a balance game. Don't do it because you "owe it."

Word. It's not about "your turn [orgasm] ok, my turn!" It's about being with your boyfriend and thinking "You know what's wrong with this situation? I don't have a dick in my mouth."

I'm sorry to hear your Special Valley caught fire. The trees did grow back, didn't they?

Hee!!

Special Valley reminds me of Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing and it gives me these feelings. Should I go with them, should I fight it? I'm so confused.

It's about being with your boyfriend and thinking "You know what's wrong with this situation? I don't have a dick in my mouth."
Posted by: Julie

I definitely have that approach. I do favor cock over dick, though. Dick sounds skinny to me. Cock sounds like I'll be walking funny for weeks.

I always had the opposite POV on the cock vs. dick argument. My memories refer me to the prose of 'Ain't No Fun' in which DJ E-Z Dick, proclaims he runs a station that 'slaps you across your fat ass, with a fat dick.'

Special Valley

Yeah, I can definitely see marinating a chicken in that.

Special Valley

Yeah, I can definitely see marinating a chicken in that.

*Sigh* Nothing perks me up after troll-fights than a well placed AD reference.

Brava, Julie, brava.

I am totally moving to Canada!

Ugh. That came out all wrong. Bad tags, bad grammatical structure, missing words: this is why I cry.

I always had the opposite POV on the cock vs. dick argument. My memories refer me to the prose of 'Ain't No Fun' in which DJ E-Z Dick, proclaims he runs a station that 'slaps you across your fat ass, with a fat dick.'

Posted by: ms shai

I think they're for different occasions. "Dick" is what you use when you're talking about his cock to your friends. "Cock" is what you call his dick when your pissers are fighting.

That's just not right AvB, and you shouldn't stand for it! A guy should be thrilled to get you off in that way and vice versa. There is nothing hotter than hearing your partner moan.

Damn straight! Any boy can be a Master Debater, it takes a real man to be a Cunning Linguist!

Canadia - not just for draft dodgers and Loyalists anymore. Be prepared for a Very Thorough Greeting when crossing the border - they tend to get rather excited when they hear you're immigrating, make sure you've got 3 or 4 hours to spare.

Fat dicks, cunning linguists, chickens marinading in the Special Valley...

This is why I love Pajiba. It's a place where Commies, bleeding hearts, Republican'ts and pot-smoking Libertarians can come together and make beautiful, disgusting innuendo together.

Now who wants to debate whether Sarah Palin does anal, whether the 'giant wiener' stereotype holds true for Obama, and whether McCain has ever had kinky sex (i.e. missionary with the lights on)? I say no, yes, and only once, but it was for America!

Oh my god I love Mella. And Pajiba. God bless America.

AvP This reminds me of a quote from Revenge of the Nerds... "All Jocks ever think about is sports, while all Nerds ever think about is sex." Let me tell you, me and my friends not only look for the little man in the boat, we do it as often as possible. One of the greatest feelings I've had was waking up my then girlfriend and having her moan in pleasure.

As for the dick v. cock different, I always understood it to mean: Dick = the actual dick, while cock was more associated with the act of using the dick on said person; i.e. man, she was all over me so I wipped out my dick, strapped on a plastic wrap and gave her some good cock.

Take a penny, leave a penny, right?

Lack of reciprocation just seems... rude!

--

So in regards to this poster.

Two things to note...

A) Elizabeth(Cute pic BTW, first glance sort of reminded me of Sarah Chalke) her head on the left, I think I see a little bald spot(actually it's because it's likely a cropped paste and I'm seeing a little bit of her forehead).

B) See "Seth" down there on the right. It's a copy paste crop of his fro moved down. You can see it's identical. Note lighter coloring in the curls and identical hair.

So, look, I didn't mean it in a "if I give you some, I expect you to give me some" kind of way. I'm not keeping score over here; that would make for some god-awful boring sex. I like what I get, when I get it, and I like to give of myself in many various ways, for the enjoyment of all. I also certainly do not want to make anyone do anything they're not comfortable with or don't enjoy, much as I myself would not want to, say, do it with a panda (no judgment on those who would); such being the case, I certainly never require that anyone go muff diving if they don't like it.

I only meant that alot of guys don't seem to like to give head to the ladies, which (speaking only for myself, of course) we enjoy very much.

I am glad that there are gentlemen out there who enjoy the carpet munching; I now have hope for the future, should Mr. vB meet the business end of the MurderTank for any reason. Not that he ever would. Or that anybody could prove it... oh, sorry, got off track there. I meant, for the future of young women everywhere.

Well if this thread isn't already dead, I speak for a large portion of the menfolk when I say We really don't know what to do down there. We're dropped into the middle of that Special Valley like a troop of privates (tee hee) in 'Nam. I'd say I'm willing to go spelunking if I had a little instruction. Well, and some willing caves.

We're dropped into the middle of that Special Valley like a troop of privates (tee hee) in 'Nam. I'd say I'm willing to go spelunking if I had a little instruction. Well, and some willing caves.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at September 5, 2008 4:49 PM

There's a band name lurking in there somewhere.

Troop of Privates?

Special Valley Cavehounds?

The Muff Jumpers?

The Willing Spelunkers?

There's a band name lurking in there somewhere.

Troop of Privates?

Special Valley Cavehounds?

The Muff Jumpers?

The Willing Spelunkers?

Posted by: Che Grovera

You're onto something, corazón.

Is it just me, or does Seth Rogen look a bit like he's about to throw up in this picture?

Approximately 70% of my boyfriends have completely neglected my Special Valley but that quite possibly says more about my taste in men than it does about the male population in general.

haha! Che, you have made my day for the 2nd time today.

(results ALWAYS vary)

Okay....

There's a reason the man's got a hood. He needs a little protection, a buffer zone. Now, nothing's universal, but almost all of the time he's the guest of honor (we're talking very rare exceptions...BUT...never assume you're not dealing with any exceptions). You've just gotta be polite. This is a progression. The term "raw nerve" is just about literal here.

Now, everyone's got different preferences and sweet spots (besides the aforementioned one) and technique is not necessarily transferable between people. If it killed before and is bombing now, let it go and try something else. Just be easygoing about it, whatever you're doing. There'll come a time when elevated contact, pressure, speed, etc, will probably be welcome. It might even be demanded, if not necessarily verbally, but there'll be cues. The little man at one point may seem to be saying "gimme your best shot" and the hood doesn't seem to be there so much anymore. Stuff like "ouch" though? Yeah, don't do that, at the very least not yet. Complete lack of motion and sound? Maybe do something else.

Watch your teeth, man. Eeeeasy. But don't beat yourself up, this is all still fairly clumsy animal stuff we're doing here when you get right down to it, so it's good to maintain a sense of humor if we make a mistake or something goofy happens. Just pay attention. If something's really working, don't start thinking variety's the spice of life, GO WITH IT. Does she sound bored to you? I'm not saying don't have anything else ever in your repertoire, just don't go shuffling things in the moment if you don't have to. But if you hit on it, just keep going as far as it'll take you. It's okay to get excited, everyone's getting excited then. And if the finish line's a'comin, don't get skittish, this is usually like an airplane. Airplanes don't slow down to land. You both want to land. It can highly frustrating if you don't.

But when you land, back off that throttle and ease down, Ripley. We have a bit of a similar "whoooooa that's just a bit too extreme a sensation right now, thank you" that happens. It's just at a bit of a higher power level here. Don't feel bad if you're feeling your shoulders or chest get pushed away, or there's a foot in your stomach--doesn't mean something went wrong. And it probably didn't. You might feel tired, but it's a good kind of tired.

What, Where and even How many of 'em? Very individual stuff. Obviously I'm speaking for myself here but I won't even generalize on specific mechanics of various appendages. Ya just gotta feel it out and watch and listen, or go where the hand forcibly directs you (and the hand might also push something away). But always remember who the star is. Keep him in the loop.

Of course this also goes for the other stuff you do in the valley. Keep him in the loop. Maybe use your hand, right in the middle of things or, more urgently, if someone's collapsing in a heap. What range of tools are at our disposal? An engine's failing? Landing gear's having trouble? Use what you've got. We still gotta land this plane and get that little man home.

Am I the only one turned on by Jay's post?
Damn, I'll have to make a booty call....

For those of you wondering as to the specifics of the Canadian greeting, it goes like this: It lasts approximately 20 to 30 minutes, and starts off passionate kissing, followed by ten minutes of oral, and then 15 to 20 minutes of fucking (three or four positions, each lasting five minutes), followed by the money shot.

What the...huh? Oh, right--you're in Quebec, Jer-bear. Here in the Maritimes, it's seven minutes of nipple action, a quick sixty-nine, and then twenty minutes of freestyle intercourse. In Newfoundland, it's followed by kissing the cod. Take that as you will.

Lordhelmet, what's the traditional west-coast greeting dialect? Popejenn, how about the Prairies?

Wow, Jay. I'm quite certain you haven't left a dry pair of panties on this thread. Please indulge me in attempting a Reader's Digest version of your eloquent analysis:

Boys, just pay attention. Don't be in a hurry. She'll show you if you let her -- and she'll reward you if you do.

The thing that has me scratching my head is what on earth prompted you to compose such a piece in the first place? On second thought, don't answer that -- if you say anything close to what I suspect you might, then I fear I'll be reading about a strange global outbreak of spontaneous undergarment combustion...

Jay, you can reference my desk any day.

Jesus. I just read ALL of that.

I feel like I need a shower or something.

The thing that has me scratching my head is what on earth prompted you to compose such a piece in the first place?

Ohhhh. Optimus Rhyme solicited some advice, that's all. Nothing sinister or salacious, you know me. He was asking the women, but I thought I'd humbly try to help out in the meantime and dust off the stuff in my head.

Remember how earlier I said, "Maybe I need to be friends with Jay"?

I rescind the "Maybe" out of that statement. Now, where's my google Pajibians map?

Jay, you can reference my desk any day.

jM, you are amazing.

Ladies, ladies, ladies,

has it perhaps dawned on you all that the reason 70 percent of guys refuse to go "down there" on you is because you maybe have something baking in that oven, or perhaps you've got what is called "the bad bush?"

...By which I don't mean the jungles of South America...

???

Dear Lil' john,

I am worried for you. I fear you are labouring under the delusion that you are charming and hilarious, when in fact you are neither. Indeed, I suspect that the unfortunate women who are foolish or inebriated enough to fall for your dubious charms end up bored, half asleep and faking it to get your sweaty, useless carcass to shove off.

If you honest-to-God find it necessary to say "down there", I guarantee you that any woman who's not repressed would break you and leave you shaking and stuttering as you beg for her to stop because pleasure can only last for so long before it starts to hurt, and you'd be in agony.

Vaginas are not scary or dirty, you sad, sorry little gnome, and disparaging them endears you to no one. Do you really think you're carting around the Garden of Eden between your legs? Because unless you're groomed within an inch of your life and smell like passionfruit, you can fuck right off.

Love and not-in-your-wettest-dreams,
Sarina

Aww, Sarina, give the poor idiot boy a break. It's only natural to fear the unknown.

My obviously fake name tailored to the discussion should have been a giveaway that I was not being altogether serious on the topic...

Lil' John? Get it? Little John? Small Penis?

However, you obviously have never gone down on a girl who isn't quite as "fresh" as she should be, (not to be insulting, it happens,) and you've clearly never given head before, because the male part I am assuming YOU put YOUR mouth on is typically and naturally free of hair.

Unless you are a fan of licking balls, enjoy stuffing kielbasas down your gullet or are dating Chewbacca, pubic hair is usually not quite as big an issue with women as it is men...

Cripes, Sarina, for a site filled with so many off color jokes and inappropriate comments aimed at all walks of life and genders and children with down syndrome, I am surprised that so few of you have a sense of humor around here, or at least a sarcasm detector.

Now again, how is it wrong of me to say "down there" when the acts of both cunnilingus and fellatio are typically referred to as "going down" on someone?

And why didn't you get that rather obvious allusion?

And yes, I am groomed within an inch of my life (Closer to half an inch, actually,)

But no, I don't smell like passionfruit down there.

It's more of a cherry jolly rancher smell.

Dude, act too much like a troll, get treated like a troll. Especially by me; I'm even mean to the people I like. And the name Lil' john is at least 85% less funny than you seem to think it is. Also, I'm not sure where exactly you think you are, but demographically this site has a large majority of women so I'm not sure who exactly you thought would get the giggles from your "hoohas are gross!".

Moving on to your other, uhh, issues... I've admittedly never gone down on a girl, but I've given head, and I gotta tell you I'm not sure who you've been getting it from, but they are doing it wrong. If you do it right, then you do indeed have a penis down your throat, and your nose is all up in there where no man is naturally free of hair, and you're supposed to lick the balls. Who ignores the balls? You are either dating some lazy bitches, or ones who think penises and testicles are dirty and scary, which is rather appropriate since you kinda seem to honestly believe your little joke about how vaginas are disgusting.

And anyway, what would make you think a site full of people who make off-colour jokes and enjoy perverted humour would laugh at a prank saying vaginas are disgusting? Most of us around here think vaginas are pretty awesome. You, however, seem not to, as you're still saying "down there". 12-year-olds say "down there". People who are afraid of their own sexuality say "down there". Women who have never had an orgasm say "down there". If you don't get how much more childish "down there" is than just saying you're going down on someone, then you are beyond the scope of my ability to help you.

And I would be willing to bet my left kidney that you don't smell a damn thing like a Jolly Rancher.

"...I've admittedly never gone down on a girl, but I've given head, and I gotta tell you I'm not sure who you've been getting it from, but they are doing it wrong...."
Posted by: Sarina at September 6, 2008 5:12 PM

__-----------------------------------------

*raises and lowers eyebrows repeatedly*

Hey there.. Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

Um, kindly point out where I said "hooha's are gross," cause last time I checked, I didn't. I made a point that "hooha's" or whatever the hell you want to call them., CAN be gross if not properly maintained.

If you have ever been with someone who accidentally hasn't "freshened up" recently, you might find an unpleasant taste, and smell. That happens, and you tend to be less thrilled about doing it the next time. Hence the fact that guys like to go down on girls less frequently than girls seem to.

I don't know what the fuck your problem is, but in now way was I trolling. I simply made a valid point in a less than serious way.

And if you care to know, I was making a reference to Mac in Predator when I casually referred to it as "bad bush."

Now Sarina, kindly pull out whatever the fuck crawled up your cunt and died, because you are ruining my day. peace.

Hate to repeat myself, ladies, but: If it was air conditioned I'd live in there. Now, who needs my address?

And I would be willing to bet my left kidney that you don't smell a damn thing like a Jolly Rancher.

Posted by: Sarina at September 6, 2008 5:12 PM

...but perhaps instead like a Gay Farmhand?

"...but perhaps instead like a Gay Farmhand?"

Hmmm...Don't try to think too hard, Che, you might hurt yourself.

"Can be gross?"

If you don't like pussy Lil' john switch teams and stick to your love of perfectly groomed dick, because with that attitude your not welcome into team Vagina.

Fucking retards. I can't believe you all are trying to argue against the merits of sanitary cleanliness, and you are WOMEN!

Tell you what, next time you get over your menstrual cycle, don't clean anything, and have your boyfriend, girlfriend, pet, whatever, go down on you and please note their reaction. You might learn something.

Wow......this site is informative!

Hmmm...Don't try to think too hard, Che, you might hurt yourself.

Posted by: Lil' john at September 6, 2008 9:50 PM

This coming from the genius of "Lil' john"? Oh, the shame! Just out of curiosity, what contraction are we supposed to understand from the placement of the apostrophe? Little is coloquially contracted as l'il, so what is it that you're trying to communicate with lil' -- besides your own ignorance?

By the way, I meant "gay" only in the sense that is synonymous with "jolly"; the proper emphasis really should be on "farmhand" (any other interpretation is more of a Rorschach test on the reader than anything else). Words are fun like that.

Now let's see how the cunning linguist that is Lil' john fares in rhetorical analysis.

has it perhaps dawned on you all that the reason 70 percent of guys refuse to go "down there" on you is because you maybe have something baking in that oven, or perhaps you've got what is called "the bad bush?"

Posted by: Lil' john at September 6, 2008 11:02 AM

I don't have any reasonable basis for challenging your figure of "70 percent of guys", so let's run with it. Even if half of that 70% avoided "going down there" for reasons other than hygiene, that leaves a whole lot of guys encountering a whole lot of "bad bush" (unless that's one very active slovenly slut!). So it would seem that in your worldview there is a significant number of women who are less than clean. Interesting.

Um, kindly point out where I said "hooha's are gross," cause last time I checked, I didn't. I made a point that "hooha's" or whatever the hell you want to call them., CAN be gross if not properly maintained.

Posted by Lil' john at September 6, 2008 6:34 PM

Okay, so you didn't come right out and say "hoohas are gross" (there's that apostrophe thing again -- you denote the possessive form of a noun with an apostrophe before the "s", Lj, not its plural form), but it's pretty clearly implied by your derogatory insinuation that the majority of guys encounter "bad bush".

If you have ever been with someone who accidentally hasn't "freshened up" recently, you might find an unpleasant taste, and smell. That happens, and you tend to be less thrilled about doing it the next time. Hence the fact that guys like to go down on girls less frequently than girls seem to.

Posted by Lil' john at September 6, 2008 6:34 PM

There's that peculiar tendency of yours to draw sweeping conclusions from what one can only assume are your own bad experiences. I feel for you, I really do.

I don't know what the fuck your problem is, but in now way was I trolling. I simply made a valid point in a less than serious way.

Now that I've dispensed with the validity of your point, let's talk about why several of us have had a bad reaction to you behaving like a douche (see what I did there?) in this conversation...which brings us to:

Now Sarina, kindly pull out whatever the fuck crawled up your cunt and died, because you are ruining my day. peace.

Posted by Lil' john at September 6, 2008 6:34 PM

In my experience, the "c*" word is to women what the "n*" word is to black people -- so your indiscriminate use of it here, coupled with your sweeping misogynistic conclusions, tells me everything I need to know about you in this regard.

You were right about one thing, though, Lj. Thinking about you has given me a headache.

I would just like to state, for the record, that my vagina is very clean and, in general, fresh as a summer's day. The pleasant kind of summer's day, with a light breeze and clear blue skies and beautiful green foliage (not that my foliage is green... oh, you know what I mean), not the muggy sticky kind in mid-August when you're like "oh for the love of all that is good and holy, when will it be fall!?"

Also, I am of the firm belief that the rest of the ladies of this, our PajibaVerse, have beautiful vagooters that are clean and well groomed, and probably scented of rainbows and unicorns. Especially Skittiums.

Anna, you are right, they probably do, as do the majority of women.

A hypothetical though: imagine you go to a restaurant, order your favorite sandwich that you get every time, and you get it, and, well, it doesn't taste good. You try to eat a few bites, but the taste just isn't the same. Then you take a bite and pull a 1.5 long pubic hair out of the sandwich in between your teeth.

Would you be a little more hesitant in ordering it the next time?

Probably. That's all I'm sayin'.

Che,

Because nothing wins an online argument faster than name calling and grammatical critique...

I'd better look out because I am obviously dealing with some pretty intelligent individuals and not a bunch of twats, fannies, pachingos, cooters, cunts, pussies, honey-pots, tuna flaps, penis sleeves, sausage wallets, meat drapes, beavers, fur trapper hats, harry twatters, pink tacos, vertical smiles and stink pots.

I still can't understand how an obviously satirical post has somehow managed to attract the scathing fury of obviously proud and hygienically "clean" individuals such as yourselves.

Wait, yes I do,

You're fucking retarded.

Ta-ta, ya'll!

Sarina is GOD.

Li'l John -- I'm not a psychic, but I've been getting some definite vibes for you here and...

I see diminishing returns.

In other words, dude -- STOP. DIGGING.

And Che, for the record, the "70 percent of guys" stat, (something you could have saved yourself the headache of trying to argue against me if you in fact weren't a retard,) clearly isn't a real stat, and came from a post before my clearly satirical post which states:

"I mean, in my experience it seems that men expect it pretty much 100% of the time, whereas only about 66-75% of them reciprocate."

Take it up with Noxbu. And then take up the whole "lack of intelligence" thing with your parents, god, teachers, whomever, because you got clearly got screwed somewhere along the line.

Mary,

I understand your feeling the need to defend your "friends" from my scathing and misogynistic posts, but it just lowers yourself to their level.

Digging? More like burying them in the hole which they themselves keep trying to dig their way out of.

Oh Lil' john, you are the weirdest Lil' person. Are you remedial? Or maybe English is, like, your fourth or fifth language? There must be some kind of explanation for this comprehension problem of yours. NOBODY is arguing against the merits of sanitary cleanliness, you sackful of sexual hangups. We're questioning your irrational, paranoid belief that vaginas are disgusting.

Who are you having sex with, medieval prostitutes that work Viking camps? Ordinary women aren't nasty in the nethers, and it is a real mystery why you seem absolutely convinced that girls have cooties. I've given up on curing you of this ailment, however. I've tried repeatedly, and you've still essentially got your fingers in your ears, all "LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU OR YOUR DIRTY VAGINA!"

Let's try, instead, to focus on the part where you repeatedly allude that penises are empirically tastier than vaginas, shall we? Like I said before, I've never gone down on a girl, but I've got one question for you: Do you think cock tastes like candy? 'Cuz it don't. That doesn't mean penises are gross, but there's a reason Jelly Belly doesn't sell dick flavoured beans.

Giving a blowjob isn't usually done out of an inherent desire to suck on something salty and bitter. The act is pleasurable, because you desire the person and it gives you a thrill to make them feel good, and giving and receiving pleasure is delicious. It's sad for you that you've got issues about oral sex, but maybe quit trying to project them? It kinda makes you look like a total wackadoo.

I can always spot the remedial readers here. It's not just the seemingly irredeemable inability to use an apostrophe correctly... They always seem to need to shorten my first name. I'd give them credit for trying to piss me off, but they do it before they could ever possibly KNOW it pisses me off.

You're fucking retarded.

Ta-ta, ya'll!

Posted by: Lil' john at September 7, 2008 12:08 PM

I get that you think I don't understand your take on "satire". Hahafuckingha. Several people said they didn't appreciate it, and your response was to call one of them a "cunt" (not directly, but close enough). That was not provoked -- you just offered it up, presumably as more of your brand of satire.

Regardless, if the above had, in fact, been your last post on the subject I still might have believed I was somehow in error about your grasp of the English language.

And Che...blah, blah, a retard, blah

Posted by: Lil' john at September 7, 2008 12:20 PM

Touché, douche.

Sarina,

what you are not understanding, or what you are doing, is somehow assuming that I have an "irrational, paranoid" dislike for Vagina, which I had never said in anyway shape or form, and you have that point the focus of your argument.

I did say the word "can," but it was your desire to flame me that replaced the word "can" with "always," instead of, well, "Can." "Can" can mean anything from 1/1,000,000 to 4 out of 5. You simply assumed that I was here to spread the word that "Vagina is the Devil," or something like that, and here we are.

You could have left it for what it was: a bad joke. But no.

You and your friends, either not understanding the nature of sarcasm and satire, felt threatened and decided to come out guns blazing, insulting me, critiquing my grammar, analyzing the placement of the apostrophe in the name Lil', and claiming that I think all Vagina's are the source of the plague.

Let's act rational for a second, and bear in mind that the first post was SATIRE, and therefor untrue. This isn't the health forum, this isn't a medical website, this is a movie review site and you all are discussing sexual technique. The situation was ripe for a smart-ass response when someone, Noxbu, made the point that guys seem to be less likely to reciprocate giving head than girls.

Bearing that in mind, it would then be false of you to assume that what is categorically satire, and not true, is in fact somehow truth.

Excuse the personal nature of the questions but,
Do you swallow? Do you swallow for everyone? Do you swallow everytime? Would you say that every woman swallows? Would you say that everyone woman gives head?

(Giving head to a woman means taking a whole lot more fluid into your mouth than you would with a man. You don't even have to take ejaculate into your mouth at the end. By nature of the action, guys are automatically taking in a lot more sexual fluid than women are.)

If you answered "no" to any of those questions, why not? And could I then assume that you, or anyone for that matter, have an irrational fear of the penis because of your "no" answer?

Why, then, would you assume that I do? Other than to flame me and start shitty arguments?

And the kid just keeps on digging.

All I'm gonna say is: Male or female, if you've been exerting yourself, drinking alcohol and/or eating rich foods SHOWER and SCRUB...vigorously before you have someone go scuba.

"Several people said they didn't appreciate it"

Yeah, by calling me a troll, a moron, and by claiming that I have an irrational fear of vagina...

They made themselves upset when they made their assumptions.

And Che, you yourself drew first blood when you said my dick smells like a gay-farmhand. Calling me gay, huh? That's not an immature and homophobic response, now, is it?

Li'l John...

Around here, being called "gay" isn't an insult.

Of course, if you THINK you've been insulted, then... watch out.

WASH...AND SCRUB...

repeat.

You pigs.

And Che, you yourself drew first blood when you said my dick smells like a gay-farmhand. Calling me gay, huh? That's not an immature and homophobic response, now, is it?

Posted by: Lil' john at September 7, 2008 1:52 PM

You don't recognize satire when you see it? I can even explain the basis for my satire with more than simple assertion (i.e., it's satire because I say it is). I was invoking the quaint, historical, and entirely valid meaning of the word "gay" as it is synonymous with "jolly", as I was equating "farmhand" with "rancher". Get it? The fact that some readers might draw other conclusions based on differing meanings of the word is precisely what makes my comment satirical.

Here's the thing, L'il John. If I went to my usual restaurant and ordered my usual sandwich and it wasn't so great that time, well, I'd still order it again. I would assume that the restaurant was having a not-so-fresh my favorite sandwich day, and ask for a different sandwich at the counter. Because, since it's my favorite sandwich, and I order it all the time, then I have to assume that in general, I get a good sandwich, or I'd have stopped ordering it long before now. As for pulling a huge pubic hair out of said sandwich, well, that's quite frankly a health code violation, and I'd probably call the local health department.

Now, since we're talking about vaginas, and not sandwiches, what I need to clear up is this: I would never consider asking anyone to go down on me if I were not clean, or right before, during, or after my period. I would be disturbed by anyone's face in my Special Valley if I were not fresh. And most of the women I know personally feel the same way (yes, I do talk about these things with my friends).

However, the biggest issue amongst all this arguing seems to be that you say your original post was satire, which the regular Pajibans have taken umbrage with. I believe that if you re-read your first item, with a carefully objective eye, you might be able to see where it could be construed as insulting to the women of the site. The way you worded your satirical response to that debate suggested that you perhaps thought that I or some of the other female commenters were dumb and our vaginae were gross. It did not come across as satire or sarcasm at all.

I once had a lover whose dick I regularly sucked. I enjoyed it; he had a lovely cock. He had hair on his balls, and they were fantastic, so I took them into my mouth anyway, although at times I would choke on his pubes. It did not prevent me from going back for more. He, on the other hand, never attempted to bring his mouth anywhere near my hot pocket. One day, when we were in bed together, I asked him whether he was ever going to eat me, he told me that he doesn't do that, and if he tried, he would throw up. I was not insulted by this, as I knew he meant it as a generality, not an insult to my ladybits specifically. It was not a deal-breaker, either, he was my lover for a few years more, and an excellent lover at that. My point is this: he refused to lick pussy, and his argument for why was the exact same argument I gave the swim instructors at the pool where my mother made me take swim lessons when I was 7: "If you make me do it, I'll throw up", or, "Ew". This argument, which was his actual response to my question, sounded a great deal like your response above. I, personally, did not take it as an insult; however, I can certainly understand why someone might have. It is not my intent to attack you, Lil' John, and I hope you don't take it as such; I just hope that on reading this, if you do, you will take a look at your original comment and see that it does not come across as satire.

"...I once had a lover whose dick I regularly sucked. I enjoyed it; he had a lovely cock. He had hair on his balls, and they were fantastic, so I took them into my mouth anyway, although at times I would choke on his pubes...."
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 7, 2008 4:04 PM

--------------------------------------------------

AWE.SOME.

*Here's my card*

I've re-read your comments to make sure I'm not over reacting and I have to say, Lil'john, that you still comes across as stating dick is somehow better tasting and cleaner than vagina.

I take offense to that.

I've been giving blow jobs for awhile now, you can say I'm practically an expert and in all my expertise I can assure you that giving head isn't all that sanitary or clean. As for fluids, swallowing that bitter cum and having to clean up the saliva isn't always fucking appetizing, but I do it out of love and sense of accomplishment.
You don't see my going onto sites and ranting about how dick is gross, or can be and that's why women shouldn't give head, or are scared of it.

I say let's respect our neither regions and agree that vagina's are beautiful, dicks are tasty and we should all give more oral. The end.

No! No! Take mine! Take mine!

===

BTW, I've encountered the vagina that IS the source of the plague, and here's my story of survival:

I'd just met this girl, did a little barhopping, and we were on the living room floor of the apartment she shared with three other college girls. I had her shucked and was heading for Special Valley, but when I got about nipple level I noticed something smelled funny. "Hmmm," I thought, "they need to vacuum the carpets better in here." When I got to about navel level, I thought, "Damn, somebody needs to take out the trash. Smells like a cantaloupe left out in the sun." Then I got to about bush level and ... uh-oh. That's not the carpet or the trash, it's ... If you look up the definition of "dilemma," you find that it means "having to make a choice between two very bad things." I have made my destination perfectly clear by now. I can either hold my breath and keep going, or pull back and obviously insult my willing hostess.

Ladies, I'm here to tell you: I took one for YOUR team, dammit (and you all FUCKING OWE ME, BIG TIME). Don't think I was there very long, but I gave it a damn good shot before I came up for air.

Amazingly, I went out with her for a while after. It may have been more out of curiosity: I couldn't believe an otherwise attractive and (seemingly) clean human being could smell like that. I think I even took a dive again, just to see if maybe it WAS the carpet.

In a word: Nope.

So for that and other reasons, that one didn't take. But since you bring it up, what the hell could have been going on there? Chemical imbalance? Hormones? What? I've dived my share of women and never encountered anything even remotely like that.

Lordhelmet, what's the traditional west-coast greeting dialect?

Well, unlike Toronto where everyone's in a rush (I hear they do a "3 in 3" routine where it's 3 orgasms in 3 minutes, but they're just quickies and not so good...) here we're made of nothing but time. There's a mandatory 5 minute mouth-only preliminary, be it kissing, licking, sucking, or whatever (I love the whatever!) followed by an optional 10 minute of touch-teasing and/or stroking, before either standing up or doggy-style sex. The idea is to give only one orgasm, but it's gotta be an off-the-charts, 9.8-on-the-richter-scale, toe-curler. Some call it the Western Handshake, others call it The Big One, but if there's not a 3-day glow afterwards you ain't doing it right!

I say let's respect our neither regions and agree that vagina's are beautiful, dicks are tasty and we should all give more oral.

So say we all.

Popejenn, how about the Prairies?

It really depends on the season. During the summers we in the Canadian Prairies share an active motivation to leave each other bathed in a warm after-glow of mutual admiration, respect and rough sex. 10 minutes of soft kisses circling various erogenous zones, 10 more minutes of sweaty groping getting rougher, then the grand finale of being slammed up against a car hood (or bus, as it's larger and steadier) for at least 15 minutes. Many of us are late for work as a result of this longer ritual greeting.

During the winter, we're just happy if we hit the right hole. I can't tell you how painful a dick in the ear actually is, especially at 40 below zero. Our employers are more grateful for this season, as we tend to be on time to work.

I would treat everyone to a description of the New Jersey greeting but I'll leave you to experience it instead of hear about it. I must say it's pretty sweet until the end where you wait in line at the pharmacy...

That doesn't mean penises are gross, but there's a reason Jelly Belly doesn't sell dick flavoured beans.

By god, Sarina, that's the funniest thing I've read in a month. I will be stealing it and I will try to give you attribution as much as one can for an internet alias on an ostensible movie review site.

Woo-hoo, I have internet in Labrador!

So.....I must do a cross-country tour sometime...just as soon as my panties dry!

Okay, must finish my beer and sober up for early-morning field work.

Oh, and GO MITCH for Canadian Idol, dude is from my tiny county! Whee!

Good to see my designated drinker hard at it, even in the field. Carry on, meaux!

Yeah, I thought of you when I heard about that finalist guy - can you milk your proximity to his fame for any tangible benefit to the MurderMaid? Give me some warning before you do your cross-country tour, many people come to Vancouver and don't want to leave!

Woo-hoo, I have internet in Labrador!

So.....I must do a cross-country tour sometime...just as soon as my panties dry!

Okay, must finish my beer and sober up for early-morning field work.

Oh, and GO MITCH for Canadian Idol, dude is from my tiny county! Whee!

I don't know how I missed the rest of this thread, but I am laughing my ass off. Only at Pajiba would we fight about the cleanliness of pussy.

Oh, Julie I hear you... This is why, were I able to crawl into the computer screen, I'd replace the hot dude wearing the Godtopus t-shirt and live on the top right corner of Pajibaland forever. Only I'd give Godtopus some volume, given my twins, of course.

I'd wanna bang the Snorg Tees girl.