It'll Make You Squeal Like a Pig
Wild Hogs / John Williams
If you’ve given up hope on the human project, Wild Hogs is the movie for you. If you have a hard time deciding whether gay people are more creepy or ridiculous, Wild Hogs is the movie for you. If you’ve ever been kept up at night wondering why Hollywood hasn’t come to its senses and finally brought together John Travolta, Martin Lawrence, William H. Macy, and Tim Allen for a slapstick comedy about four middle-aged guys who try to reconnect with their less burdened younger selves by embarking on a cross-country motorcycle trip, Wild Hogs is the movie for you. And Thorazine is the drug for you.
Our culture churns out crap faster than the Army Corps of Engineers could shovel it, so it would be disingenuous to act shocked by even its most willfully awful products. Still, the first time I saw the preview for Wild Hogs, my jaw fell a bit further toward the sticky cinema floor with each washed-up hack who popped up to pollute the screen. Given that a central portion of Pajiba’s mission is to treat the worst of Hollywood the way that nicotine-dazed, knife-wielding factory workers treat taser-stunned cattle, I knew that I had to claim this one for myself.
That’s right: I asked for this assignment.
The bad news, for my purposes, is that Wild Hogs is not what the preview suggested it might be, i.e., the worst movie of all time. But of course, that leaves it room to be plenty terrible, and it is.
It’s Travolta who gets the Hogs on the road. (In this case, referring to the main characters by their fictional names would be ridiculous. I think they’re Doug, Woody, Bobby and Dudley, in some order, but if you can forget the actors you’re watching in this for even three seconds, your disbelief is in a state of permanent suspension.) His friends envy his supermodel wife and his wealth, but they’re unaware that she recently left him and he’s broke. (Because the four of them are such good friends, see?) Over lunch at a suburban TGIBenniChiliBee’s, he convinces his buddies, all of whom are recreational — and utterly unbelievable — motorcyclists who ride under the titular name, to head in the direction of the Pacific Ocean, to find whatever it is that paunchy American guys allegedly lose when they turn 45.
If Travolta once possessed a knack for comedy (and there’s precious little proof he did), rest assured that he doesn’t now. It’s impossible to call him the squeaky wheel, though, when the movie has three more of them; he’s more like the wheel that just sprung off and is now bounding over the median into oncoming traffic. Lawrence at least manages to sell a couple of physical jokes, Macy makes quite a convincing putz (which doesn’t seem much different than many of the roles he’s been praised for), and Allen — well, the script mercifully doesn’t allow him to do much damage (one “Home Improvement”-style caveman grunt is crammed in, of course). But can someone please, after these many years, draft some kind of formal document retracting all the praise Tarantino once got for being hip enough to revive Travolta’s career? Some graves are best left undisturbed.
Once the four protagonists hit the highway, Wild Hogs aspires to the existential heights of City Slickers (think about that), but it makes Billy Crystal and Daniel Stern read like Vladimir and Estragon from Waiting for Godot. The first time the Hogs set up camp, they immediately launch into generic middle-aged yearning and complaint set to sentimental music. The prefab soul-searching is quickly interrupted when one of them hurls a burning marshmallow into a tent and Macy mistakenly attempts to extinguish the fire with a canister of gasoline, which is exactly as funny as it sounds.
Midway through the movie, a plot surprisingly rears its head. The Hogs come upon a bar in the middle of the desert that belongs to a real motorcycle gang, the Del Fuegos, led by Ray Liotta. Long story short, Travolta triggers a chain of events that leads to the cherished bar exploding in a mushroom cloud of fire. But he alone among his compadres knows this happened, so the rest of the movie is spent with Travolta trying to hide the fact that the Del Fuegos are likely to catch up to the Hogs and humiliate/kill them. Eventually, in a small town further along the road, where the shy Macy is falling for a waitress played by Marisa Tomei (my crush on her survived this movie, so I know it’s real love), the gangs do square off. It’s a storyline that could have been quirky and funny and even a bit charming if the script wasn’t such a crushing bore and if at least two of the Hogs were played by actors with a remaining glimmer of humanity.
(Warning: This paragraph contains a spoiler of sorts, as if anyone could possibly give a damn.) Near the movie’s end, Peter Fonda shows up in a cameo, as Liotta’s father, to preach some kind of moral and, of course, for a cheap faux-echo of Easy Rider. It’s official: Our culture has cannibalized itself and is gnawing on the bones. I see that you can also catch Fonda in Ghost Rider these days. I hope they remember to include his dignity in next year’s “In Memoriam” montage at the Oscars.
In one sense, even though Wild Hogs falls well short of civilized standards of entertainment, it could have been worse. In one early scene, Lawrence, who plays a plumber with dreams of a career writing how-to books, is called to a gas station, where the cashier points to the men’s room and opines that a trucker must have “crapped a whole cow in there.” As Lawrence slowly makes his way toward the door, a gross and painfully unfunny gag feels imminent, but the audience is spared the sight. So in the mind-numbingly juvenile visual era ushered in by the Farrelly brothers (which, with any luck, reached its apotheosis with Date Movie), at least Wild Hogs mostly steers clear of the scatological.
Unfortunately, that faint, faint praise (“Wild Hogs doesn’t play in shit!” — Pajiba) is more than canceled out by the one element of the movie that will stay with me: a raging, undisguised homophobia. Its treatment of gay characters would make Tim Hardaway blush.
And if an ex-jock like Hardaway gets pilloried for his recent comments, why can’t cable news spend a week grilling Brad Copeland, the writer of this dreck? He’s written for “Arrested Development” and “News Radio,” so presumably he has most of his higher brain functions, but you wouldn’t know it from this. Several extended scenes revolve around our heroes not wanting to be mistaken for homosexuals. At least two actors with funny moments in their past — John C. McGinley (“Scrubs”) and Kyle Gass (“Tenacious D”) — stoop to cameos that are broad, one-note jokes. The joke? They’re gay.
Kevin Durand plays Red, a muscular, tattooed, bald Del Fuego, who’s apparently most menacing because he leers at men. He makes a comment about balls, and Liotta, taking offense, turns and brutally punches him in the face. I’m not normally a P.C. cop. In fact, I strongly believe that everyone’s fair game for a laugh. But no other group in the movie gets anything approaching such treatment (Macy’s even shouted down just for mentioning “black jokes”), and when homosexuals get beat up and worse in the real world, it’s not much fun seeing them proudly singled out on the screen for ridicule and pain. If it was one scene, you could maybe dismiss it as tacky, but the lampooning hatred runs clear throughout the movie. In fact, it’s the most consistent theme by far, and it’s disgusting.
In one scene, Red looks Lawrence up and down. Martin asks the other Hogs if they have a “pre-rape feeling.” I had a post-rape feeling, actually, from when I had handed over $11 in exchange for my ticket.
John Williams lives in Brooklyn. He’s an editor at Harper Perennial and a freelance writer. He blogs at A Special Way of Being Afraid.
Starter for 10 | | Zodiac
Comments
Brilliant review. When I saw the trailers for this movie on the TV, I seriously thought it was a short sketch from a comedy show making fun of the concept. I couldn't believe it was really an actual film that people would pay to see. Incidentally, in one of the few good reviews that A.O. Scott has had in the NYT recently, the only good thing he had to say about this was that at least it avoided the temptation to use "Born to be Wild" in the soundtrack.
Posted by: PaddyDog at March 2, 2007 11:31 AM
I don't think I have ever read a movie review where the main thrust was "Its too bad this movie wasn't worse."
Posted by: Brian at March 2, 2007 11:33 AM
I was expecting this movie to be bad and unfunny, but maybe okay if someone insisted on dragging me off to it. You have now ruined that delusion, and I will refuse to see it no matter what.
Gay jokes and Peter Fonda preaching morals? Really? Oy. Vey.
Posted by: zambonigirl at March 2, 2007 11:41 AM
If the Oscars included "dignity" in memoriam, the broadcast would have to start a few months early.
Posted by: anikitty at March 2, 2007 11:43 AM
"If Travolta once possessed a knack for comedy..."
Oh come on. He was HILLARIOUS in Battlefield Earth!
Posted by: Armando at March 2, 2007 11:44 AM
"But can someone please, after these many years, draft some kind of formal document retracting all the praise Tarantino once got for being hip enough to revive Travolta's career? Some graves are best left undisturbed."
Sing it loud, sing it proud!
Posted by: ranylt at March 2, 2007 12:23 PM
$11 for a movie!? I can tell it's been a while since I've been to the theater. Seems I'm not missing much.
Posted by: katy at March 2, 2007 12:26 PM
Hmm, John Travolta appearing in a comedy full of homophobia? That's all I need to say. Great review.
Posted by: Andrew at March 2, 2007 12:32 PM
I'm sorry, I had to stop reading - RAY LIOTTA is in this?
Posted by: juliagulia at March 2, 2007 1:07 PM
Ouch. I thought so much better of William H. Macy before learning he was in this.
Posted by: Noelegy at March 2, 2007 1:08 PM
juliagulia- not only is Ray Liotta in this, but he's apparently the one bright spot in the film. Surely this is a cosmic joke.
Posted by: anikitty at March 2, 2007 1:09 PM
My mom, of course, is ready to brave the blizzard outside to go see Travolta and Macy humiliate themselves on-screen because the movie looks 'funny as hell'...(I know. I'm ashamed of her.) but I suddenly find myself willing to be dragged along for the tears and recriminations...It'd be worth it now that I know KEVIN DURAND (!!!) is in it. At least I wouldn't have to pay. :(
Posted by: Leanne at March 2, 2007 1:15 PM
Not that this is relevant but can you please remove that ad with the doll crying blood? It really creeps me out :(
Posted by: Stephanie Ann at March 2, 2007 1:25 PM
I always knew my law degree would serve a greater good one day. Ask and ye shall receive:
RECITALS
WHEREFORE, in 1994 the movie Pulp Fiction, written by Quentin Tarantino (and the oft-ignored Roger Avary) and directed by Tarantino, was released. Said movie featured, among others, John Travolta ("Travolta").
FURTHER WHEREFORE, in the decade before the release of Pulp Fiction, Travolta had appeared in only seven movies, three of which were parts of the Look Who's Talking trilogy. In the thirteen (13) years since the release of Pulp Fiction, Travolta has appeared in almost four (4) times the number of films.
FURTHER WHEREFORE, as a result of Travolta's career arc, many have heaped praise upon Quentin Tarantino for the "resurgence" of Travolta's career.
FURTHER WHEREFORE, the Pajiba staff and readership do hereby wish to revoke all praise previously heaped upon Quentin Tarantino for said "resurgence."
AGREEMENT
1. The Parties hereby agree that of the movies featuring Travolta which have come out since Pulp Fiction, the vast majority of them were a plague upon cinema and humanity. Such movies include, but are not limited to: White Man's Burden, Broken Arrow, Phenomenon, Michael, Face/Off, The General's Daughter, Swordfish, Domestic Disturbance, Basic, The Punisher, Ladder 49 and Be Cool. The Parties further agree Battlefield Earth is exempt from this categorization, not because it was not a plague upon cinema and humanity, because its unintentional comedy factor was through the roof (aided and abetted in part by the fact that it features the now-Academy Award winning Forest Whitaker).
2. The Parties further agree that the vast majority of movies featuring Travolta since 1994, including but not limited to those movies listed in Section 1 of this Agreement, would not have featured Travolta but for his appearance in Pulp Fiction.
3. The Parties further agree and declare that there should be a moratorium on heaping any praise upon Quentin Tarantino for allegedly reviving Travolta's career.
4. The Parties further agree and declare that any praise previously heaped upon Quentin Tarantino between 1994 and the present for allegedly reviving Travolta's career is hereby retroactively and permanently revoked.
5. The Parties further agree and declare that, as punishment for foisting Tarantino upon the viewing public in plague-after-plague of a film, Tarantino shall hereby provide community service in the form of: (i) a two-year moritorium on any televised public appearances; (ii) a permanent ban from casting himself in any movies of his own writing and/or directing; and (iii) a permanent ban from appearing in any other film or television program, regardless of authorship or direction.
Posted by: TV Whore at March 2, 2007 1:31 PM
I know it's a bit much to ask to remove an ad on my small behalf but it's been creeping me out for weeks now... I don't know maybe I'm the only one. I'll be glad when it's gone though...
Posted by: Stephanie Ann at March 2, 2007 1:31 PM
Remember when Travolta was hot as Danny Zuko?
Posted by: Pammeey at March 2, 2007 1:38 PM
TV Whore, thanks for honoring my request - and so brilliantly. Where do I sign?
Pub. Note: Signatures can be collected in the comments section here: Travolta Contract
Posted by: JMW at March 2, 2007 1:53 PM
2 things:
1. You all need to post that agreement somewhere on the site in a manner that we can all sign it - maybe just in the comments section. As the guys in the Guiness commercials say - Brilliant! F***in' Brilliant!
2. So I IMDB Battlefield earth, which you're should be exempt but for religious reasons, and there is a bullet point awards which says 9 wins and 1 nomination, with a link (part of the site redesign I guess). I click on it and it all Worst Movie of the Year and Razzie awards. What I find funny about this is not that the movie won these awards but that:
a. They are tracked and recorded just like any other award on the site
b. There is an onnoccent looking link on the movie's main page saying awards and then it turns out to just be an affirmation of how horrible the move is.
By the way te full name is Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000
Posted by: Brian at March 2, 2007 2:12 PM
My Dad thought this looked good at first, I hope he has changed his mind and is not going to ask me to go with him.
Posted by: Alli at March 2, 2007 2:20 PM
Despites some of the odd choices he's made in movies, I still like William H. Macy as an actor. Maybe it's the residual good feelings from "Fargo." But I am so sad to see him reduced to making crap like this one, presumably just for the money. Who possibly thought this looked like a good idea for a movie? Tim Allen, please take your cars and your money and don't ever make another movie.
Posted by: Memikeyounot at March 2, 2007 2:22 PM
TV Whore, lovely!
But if this is the same TV Whore of which we're all thinking, does this mean that he has a law degree, and was a physicist? If so, may I please have your brain? Continued success Seth, you've earned it!!
Posted by: M at March 2, 2007 2:39 PM
You know it's going to be a crappy movie when they stoop to rape jokes.
WHY is John C. McGinley doing this?
And furthermore, Scrubs fans, why did he shave his head?
Posted by: Genevieve at March 2, 2007 2:48 PM
M - yes, I do have a law degree and a physics degree, but you may be getting ahead of yourself in presuming that I was successful in either field, or that I'm successful simply for having either of those pieces of paper. And my brain is so alcohol soaked, not to mention battered by the bad television I force upon myself, that I don't think it would do you, or anyone else, a lick of good.
Posted by: TV Whore at March 2, 2007 2:50 PM
"Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000" is easily one of the funniest/worst movies ever made. "Plan 9 from Outerspace" bad. If you haven't seen it you owe it to yourself to grab some friends and some drink and make an evening of it. An absolute riot from start to finish. I keep hoping for a sequel but Trevolta keeps putting it off. Bastard.
Posted by: Rob at March 2, 2007 4:18 PM
Genevieve: As a fellow "Scrubs" fan (nay, worshipper, I'm afraid), I share your mourning. John C. McGinley should KNOW BETTER. And seriously, why DID he shave his head??
Posted by: bonnie at March 2, 2007 4:29 PM
Three cheers for TV Whore--fabulous.
To add to what Rob above advises re. Battlefield Earth, make your drinking more fun by downing a shot each time you hear a character utter the word "leverage".
Posted by: ranylt at March 2, 2007 4:34 PM
"...he's more like the wheel that just sprung off and is now bounding over the median into oncoming traffic."
I got me a new metaphor! Well played, John, well played.
Posted by: CapnGravy at March 2, 2007 5:29 PM
I actually suffered through Battlefied Earth - the book. I think it liquified parts of my brain. Thankfully, despite said liquification, they've allowed me to keep MY law degree. I'm no TV whore though - I nearly failed physics in high school.
Posted by: bartap at March 2, 2007 5:56 PM
Oh man, ranylt, that is the best idea ever. I have crappy movie nights with my friends (as in, we watched Dracula 2000 and Face/Off last time), and turning our Battlefield Earth event into a drinking game could be the most hilarious thing in the world.
Posted by: Kate K. at March 2, 2007 5:58 PM
In The Cooler when Maria Bello has the entirety of William H. Macy's genitalia palmed in her small, feminine fist with with not so much as a hair protruding out I distinctly remember thinking that nothing more humiliating would or even could happen in his career. Obviously I was mistaken.
Posted by: Oscar at March 2, 2007 6:45 PM
"5. The Parties further agree and declare that, as punishment for foisting Tarantino upon the viewing public in plague-after-plague of a film, Tarantino shall hereby provide community service in the form of..."
TV Whore, shouldn't this read "..as punishment for foisting Travolta upon the viewing public..."?
Sorry Don't mean to nitpick. But if it is to stand up in a court of law, it's gotta be perfect! :)
Posted by: Nick at March 2, 2007 6:53 PM
I'm sorry to be un-PC, but, like women chained up, fag bashing NEVER gets old. Especially coming from the entertainment business, which is thankfully 100% free of homos. No homos in Hollywood, no siree.
And I've actually watched "Dracula 2000," and... well, the guy who plays Dracula is a total hottie. Just thought I'd mention it.
I have a feeling John C. McGinley's hair is some sort of elaborate, season-long joke. Last season, he looked like a poodle. This season, Britney Spears. Next season, maybe he'll do a tribute to punk with a mohawk.
Posted by: LL at March 2, 2007 7:17 PM
The only thing worse than Battlefield Earth was the book. I mean... holy fuck was it bad.
William Macy? Why? WHY? I thought we had something! I thought you wanted to be somebody? I don't understand? And Ray? From Goodfellas to this?
When I saw the preview for this, a small piece of my soul dried up and blew away.
Posted by: TK at March 2, 2007 7:32 PM
And I've actually watched "Dracula 2000," and... well, the guy who plays Dracula is a total hottie. Just thought I'd mention it.
Hell yeah he is. That would be Gerard Butler. Bite me, Gerard. No, really.
Posted by: Daphne at March 2, 2007 9:38 PM
i remember seeing photos from this movie months ago. the photos were taken from the scene where the guys go skinny dipping. i forgot how grossed out i was by the pictures, until i saw the trailer for the movie.
http://www.tmz.com/2006/07/26/travolta-allen-the-real-skinny/
Posted by: maxpurr9 at March 2, 2007 9:58 PM
"It's official: Our culture has cannibalized itself and is gnawing on the bones."
Man, I wish I had written that. But I'd like to point out that this has been happening for YEARS, ever since the first TV series got transplanted to the Big Screen.
And mention of "culture" (especially by wingnuts -of which you are not)still makes me laugh. What culture? This is the United States of America. To have culture, we would have to have a functioning collective memory.
Posted by: mike53 at March 3, 2007 12:17 AM
Stephanie Ann, it's not just you. I hate that ad.
Posted by: Edith at March 3, 2007 12:50 AM
Me too, Stephanie Ann. I was hoping they'd take it down once the movie opened last weekend, but no such luck...
Posted by: GreenMyEyes at March 3, 2007 3:56 AM
"Bite me, Gerard. No, really."
It's okay, Daph. We're just days away from "300." We can make it.
(And if Pajiba doesn't review it...)
Posted by: ranylt at March 3, 2007 9:28 AM
Thank you for your support, ranylt. 300 looks like it'll be rather gory, which I'm not particularly fond of, even though I loves me some action. Nevertheless, you can bet Gerard's fine ass that I'll be sitting in the theater. I think Dustin's looking forward to it, so I'm pretty sure it'll be reviewed.
Posted by: Daphne at March 3, 2007 10:32 AM
i agree about the doll bleeding ad, i always have to refresh my screen while i'm reading through reviews
Posted by: steph's new friend at March 3, 2007 12:34 PM
As the person who had to sit through The Abandoned for this fine establishment, the even more annoying thing about that doll ad is that the doll is in the movie for about a half a second (if memory serves), and never cries blood.
Posted by: JMW at March 3, 2007 1:19 PM
I agree with previous posters about that stupid bleeding doll ad. Enough already! It makes me want to leave the site.
Posted by: Lilly at March 3, 2007 1:46 PM
Personally, I'd rather look at a bleeding doll than anything Paris/Britney/Lindsay (e.g. those Celebitchy banners). Any day. It's a real step up!
Posted by: ranylt at March 3, 2007 3:09 PM
Well, since we're all bitching about the ads, Weak Nights is nowhere near as cool as its ads make it look--dull as ditchwater, as a matter of fact. However, the ad did get Pajiba a click-through, so you got that 20% of a penny or whatever it is from me.
And the only T-shirt site worth a damn is tshirthell. All the others suck balls. That is all.
Posted by: Jerce at March 3, 2007 5:15 PM
two words on seeing the trailer (again!!! and again!!!), a poker player's "tell" that they got nothing - for this piece of crap.
QUEASY. RIDER.
Posted by: Damien Walder at March 3, 2007 5:59 PM
"Genevieve: As a fellow "Scrubs" fan (nay, worshipper, I'm afraid), I share your mourning. John C. McGinley should KNOW BETTER. And seriously, why DID he shave his head??
Posted by: bonnie at March 2, 2007 4:29 PM"
IMO Scrubs is the same kind of dreck that this movie sounds to be, only slightly more 'hip'.
That said, major props to John Williams for saying News radio was good (albeit indirectly).
Posted by: Ari at March 3, 2007 6:22 PM
"It's official: Our culture has cannibalized itself and is gnawing on the bones."
That's what I thought looking at John Travolta's face. Ewww, it looks like it's giving birth to itself! And has anyone seen any stills of him in drag? I think Daniel Radcliffe needs to go Equus on all of us--for our protection.
It's okay Whore, I've got a suitcase full of academia-related shame myself. I don't know why I keep going back. I like debt, I guess.
Posted by: M at March 3, 2007 8:39 PM
these relics are like comfort foods , I GUESS??? and yes this crapfest will be number one at the box office, anyone what to bet on that??
Posted by: pasadenamike at March 3, 2007 8:46 PM
lol. critics are always wrong. this movies #1. at the box office, as Norbit was. way to go, you awesome awesome movie reviewer man you! *wink*
Posted by: Xan at March 4, 2007 12:40 PM
"IMO Scrubs is the same kind of dreck that this movie sounds to be, only slightly more 'hip'."
Ari, you're thinking of a different show. I don't know which one, but I know it's not Scrubs.
Posted by: Grumblecakes at March 4, 2007 6:04 PM
not only was this pile of moldy cheese #1 at the box office, apparently it's the biggest opening weekend for mr. travolta. ever.
EVER.
i just... i mean... sorry, i think i just flat-lined.
Posted by: julia at March 4, 2007 6:19 PM
i think the world came to an end and we're in hell right...this movie just proved it!
Posted by: gina at March 5, 2007 12:00 AM
you people commenting on this movie are all gay, right?
Posted by: jimbob at March 5, 2007 3:57 AM
Blah! I'll give that a miss shall I.
What a bunch of boring cast. Although I like Martin Lawrence. Why did they cast him. I reckon he's too good for this pile of middle age crap.
Posted by: Jean at March 5, 2007 5:32 AM
To those that hate the crying doll ad - just use Mozilla and an extension called 'Adblock' allows you to right click and perma-ban any image from appearing - ads, annoying pics on websites, etc. A wonderful too.
Posted by: WandringSoul at March 5, 2007 8:12 AM
.... 38 million.
My soul hurts.
Posted by: Mara at March 5, 2007 8:51 AM
lol. critics are always wrong. this movies #1. at the box office, as Norbit was. way to go, you awesome awesome movie reviewer man you! *wink*
OMG, I hope this is a joke. Judging from the horrible fragmentation of the sentences, I am assuming it is not and groaning for the fate of mankind accordingly.
Posted by: stardust savant at March 5, 2007 9:16 AM
I can't stand that ad either! Please for the love of god replace it!
Posted by: Clarity at March 5, 2007 11:32 PM
TV Whore - You are my hero.
Posted by: rez at March 6, 2007 3:42 PM
It was a funny effin movie. Doesn't have to change the world or win an oscar. You must have a crappy,boring life.Proof that critics are just jack balls.......who cares what they say? Not me.
Posted by: James G at March 18, 2007 12:18 PM
I loved this movie. In fact I saw it two times and can't wait for the dvd to be released.
Posted by: Brian at April 8, 2007 9:23 AM
The critic must be an actor. What has he been in?
Or does he just like flamer movies?
This film is what a lot of people like to see. Not kissing some PC agenda. Grow up and stop watching on golden pond. Jane can't see you.
Posted by: jerry at June 7, 2007 4:55 AM