The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles
Before we begin with today’s usual litany of crappy remakes, sequels, and creepy Fanning sister concepts, I’d like to shamelessly plug our newest sister site, Webster’s is my Bitch. And, before some of the more hard-core Pajibers click over and find yourself in a morass of celebrity glossies and glossary terms, let me warn you ahead of time: It’s a celebrity and media gossip site (with a twist) that Stacey and I are blogrunning (expect frequent cameos from the TV Whore, too). And, because I think honesty is imperative here, I’ll admit that I had some slight misgivings about publishing a celebrity (and media) gossip site — that I might participate in a blog devoted to possibly discussing the lives of starletards felt not only a little icky, but I suppose slightly hypocritical, given our collective position on those-who-we-do-not name. But, I decided to take the stick out of my own ass and have fun with it — after all, to suggest we don’t peddle in celebrities on this site is dishonest; we just write about their professional output, instead of their personal (though, the line there is pretty goddamn blurry — I suspect there’s more than a fair amount of overlap). To those readers who abhor celebrity and media gossip, I’ll warn you to keep your distance, but to those who have a guilty fondness for the stuff, but find visiting a site like Perez Hilton’s tantamount to getting caught in an arthouse theater reading Entertainment Weekly, then perhaps Webster’s is my Bitch is a happy medium. Sure, it’s gossip, but we do it under the guise of teaching you something (note: we do not actually teach you anything) — and, at the very least, we expect to widen our scope beyond the traditional print and online rags and feature items on those in the entertainment industry who don’t get the attention that the big three do, in addition to news on media and cultural trends (in our world, for instance, Maggie Gyllenhaal is attractive, though that doesn’t mean that if Adrien Grenier wears something like this that we’re gonna pass that up). Besides, a good 80 percent of Pajiba’s readers came here initially through our ads on gossip blogs, so it seems like a natural extension — there’s a reason why that the Ten Most Bangable Celebrities piece was so popular here, I suspect/hope. Moreover, we’re keen to do Webster’s with a modicum of intelligence and wit, and without the overt misogyny you see on some of the gossip blogs; also, despite the presence of a dominatrix in our logo, there will be absolutely no discussion of masturbation habits on WIMB. Ever. (We just thought the dominatrix was cute!) This is not a spank site disguised as a gossip site, nor will it ever be intentionally hateful, either above or below the comment line. But we will mine the hell out of this site’s Fun with Words and Expressions comment diversion.
Anyway, I encourage you to check it out; we’re cautiously enthusiastic. And, besides, where else are you going to be able to read about Vince Vaughn and Henry Rollins, while learning what “spandexcstacy” and “hyper-democratic celebrity” mean? That’s what I thought. (And, rest assured, besides Pajiba Love, Webster’s won’t spill over onto Pajiba anymore than our other sister site, QuizLaw, does — that is to say, not at all.).
Moving on: It’s all so depressing, I don’t even know where to start. How about here: Last time we discussed the big-screen adaptation of “Dallas,” Robert Luketic (Monster-in-Law) had left the director’s chair over casting decisions, J.Lo and Luke Wilson were abandoned due to budgetary concerns, and the project was in production purgatory. Unfortunately, that’s not where it has remained — in fact, Betty Thomas (John Tucker Must Die, Dr. Doolittle) has sadly taken over the reins, and so far, the cast includes: John Travolta as J.R. Ewing (Larry Hagman could eat Travolta and spit out his teeth like sunflower seeds); Josh Brolin as Jock Ewing (I have no idea who Jock Ewing was, nor any explanation as to why his name was “Jock”); Minka Kelly as Pamela Ewing (Minka is the attractive but terribly untalented Bible thumper on “Friday Night Lights”); Julie Benz (“Dexter’s” girlfriend) as Sue Ellen Ewing; and Diane Ladd (Wild at Heart) as Ms. Ellie. All in all, besides Brolin and maybe Ladd, it’s a spectacularly dreadful cast to go along with a director with all the talent of a sequined-heart nipple tassel.
What else: Sam Raimi announced that the director of the third Grudge film will, for the first time, be an American. His name is Toby Wilkins. He is a longtime visual effect artist who once directed an episode of “Best Damn Sports Show Ever.” And I know. I know! A Grudge 3? Hell. This one is about a cursed fetus. Joy. In other trilogy news, Len Wiseman will write and produce, though he won’t direct the next installment of the Underworld franchise — this one is a prequel, an origins story, which means that Kate Beckinsale will not return. And now don’t get me wrong — I actually have a soft spot (that needs the sharp end of a broomstick, I’m sure) for the original Underworld, but isn’t the entire point of the Underworld series to see Wiseman’s wife run around in leather pants? Without Beckinsale, there hardly seems to be a point. I do love that Wiseman calls it a “period piece,” as though — it gives it that whole Edith Wharton appeal, like Daniel Day Lewis and Winona Ryder are gonna walk out in corsets.
A few weeks ago, I mentioned that Dan Fogler would be playing Alfred Hitchcock in a film called The Number 13, a screwball comedy about Hitchcock’s first, unfinished film. Then, last week, I mentioned that Naomi Watts would be starring in a remake of The Birds. Now comes news that there will actually be a Hitchcock biopic and, it damn near goes without saying, Anthony Hopkins will play Hitchcock. And it’s not really that I have a problem with Hopkins taking that role, it’s that a Hitchcock biopic would exist at all — especially one directed by Ryan Murphy, who is responsible for the absolute mess that was Running with Scissors, an adaptation so awful that Murphy ought to have his library card revoked. If you’re going to take on a movie about freakin’ Alfred Hitchcock’s life, you gotta get a credible director, you know? When Jesus got together with Thomas the Apostle to pose for The Incredulity of Saint Thomas, he got freakin’ Caravaggio, right? He didn’t get some kid with a box of 64 crayons to depict Doubting Thomas; likewise, the life of Hitchcock ought to be left with someone like David Fincher or Christopher Nolan, not the guy who produced and wrote 43 episodes of the WB show, “Popular.”
I’ve never read Jodi Picoult’s My Sister’s Keeper — about a girl who sues her parents for medical emancipation after she is basically bred and raised specifically to provide spare body parts to her older sister, who has leukemia — but the premise sounds equally intriguing and creepy. So, what better way capitalize on the creepiness factor than by casting not only Dakota Fanning to play the older sister, but also Dakota’s real-life younger sister, Elle, to play the younger sibling? Cameron Diaz will play their mother (yech!), while Nick Cassavettes (The Notebook) is set to direct. Seriously, though — is it just me, or is there something really eerie about Dakota Fanning? You know how when you poke your belly button it makes your inner ear tickle? That’s the best way to describe how Dakota Fanning makes me feel. Sometimes, I get the feeling that her “old soul,” is actually the soul of a cat lovin’ spinster who decided one day to put a kitty under each arm and calmly walk into the ocean. It’s just me, isn’t it?
I featured the unofficial Rambo trailer in last Tuesday’s round-up, but here’s the official trailer for the fourth installment in Stallone’s franchise. Honestly: I have to admit that my 1987 chromosome tingled a little when I watched it.
And here’s a bonus trailer for the upcoming Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium. If you’re going to steal a look, feel, and premise from another flick, you could do a lot worse than Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. It comes from Zach Helm, who wrote Stranger than Fiction, and though the trailer looks a little on the cheesy side, I’m giving the guy the benefit of the doubt until he gives me reason not to.
Almost Moon, The by Alice Sebold | | Deal Breakers |
Comments
I don't know about anyone else, but when I poke my belly button, it makes me want to vomit.
I also kinda sorta maybe LOVE the original Underworld, and I don't get how a prequel wouldn't involved Serene. Wasn't she made a vampire a long, long time ago, somewhere in Europe? Surely she'd fit into a "period piece."
Heading over to Webster's is my Bitch now....
Posted by: Kolby at October 30, 2007 10:45 AM
I'll admit that I had some slight misgivings about publishing a celebrity (and media) gossip site...
Fortunately for Dustin, I personally have no misgivings whatsoever. Bring it!
Posted by: Stacey at October 30, 2007 11:10 AM
That's the official Rambo trailer, huh? For a sec, I was really peeved that they opted to not emphasize the "decapitation punch heard 'round the nets." But then he uttered that "Die for somethin'" line, and I was satisfied.
Wait. NO discussion of masturbation habits EVER? Have you ever ran a gossip site before? They are held together by that stuff! And bile. Bile is an essential base in gossip-blog glue.
Posted by: Vermillion at October 30, 2007 11:11 AM
Dakota Fanning is some seriously scary sh*t.
I'd rather cast myself in a real life Saw movie than spend five minutes in a room with her.
That's not your inner ear tickling, Dustin, that's what having your soul slowly eaten feels like.
Posted by: Calitri at October 30, 2007 11:24 AM
And bile. Bile is an essential base in gossip-blog glue.
If there was no bile then even I would be cautious about approaching. As it happens I have faith and until further notice WIMB has taken up a spot on my reader.
Don't disappoint me kiddies.
Jerce: I'm on opera and not having any problems at all, working fine on IE too.
Posted by: Alex the Odd at October 30, 2007 11:33 AM
If I remember "Dallas" correctly, wouldn't James Brolin be better cast as Jock? Josh seems too young to play Travolta's father. (Well, so does James, actually.)
Posted by: Kate at October 30, 2007 11:41 AM
Wha??? Spam filter???
Anyhow, wasn't Jock Ewing JR's father? Which makes me wonder if James Brolin wouldn't be a better choice than Josh. I mean, James Brolin would have been an awfully young father to John Travolta, but Josh?
Posted by: Kate at October 30, 2007 11:44 AM
I loved watching Dallas when I was younger and good God that Dallas cast sucks ass. Jock Ewing is J.R.'s father, so how is Josh Brolin supposed to be John Travolta's father?
Hollywood - leave Hitchcock alone! The people who are worthy to handle his stories don't get the assignments.
Posted by: Marianne at October 30, 2007 11:44 AM
I'm pretty sure an angel loses its wings anytime someone touches my bellybutton.
Also, cleaning my ear with a Q-tip (Yes I KNOW you're not supposed to do it) makes the back of my throat tickle. Perhaps I'm delving too deep? Something about the darkness of Khazud-Dum?
Okay back to work. Jesus Tuesday is a boring day.
Posted by: AM at October 30, 2007 11:45 AM
ah, caravaggio and library cards. I love you people.
Posted by: shyestviolet at October 30, 2007 11:53 AM
It's working for me and, Eric, I'm not sure you want to see Adrien's clothes. It's not so much the clothes as what's IN the clothes that's awful.
Posted by: JMW at October 30, 2007 12:07 PM
My eyes, My Eyes!!! Damn you, nameless dude from Entourage. DAMN YOU!!!!
Seriously, anyone have the brain bleach?
EEEWWWWWW....
Posted by: Melody at October 30, 2007 12:22 PM
I hear ya Melody. I personally believe there should be a sub category of NSFW that pretty much amounts to "Technically Safe For Work But is Likely to Convince Your Employers That You Are Either a)Seriously Disturbed b)Into Some Freaky Shit or c)Randomly Clicking on Links Without Properly Considering Their Content Beforehand While You Are Supposed to Be Working."
Acronym anyone?
Posted by: Alex the Odd at October 30, 2007 1:06 PM
Hey Vermillion-
"gossip-blog glue" three times fast. Or even one time fast.
Fine holiday fun.
Posted by: that bees chick at October 30, 2007 1:12 PM
Congrats on the new gossip site.
I'd be more effusive, but. I just saw the news about the Fanning sisters in My Sister's Keeper...which was actually an incredible book, though it could've done without one of the sub-plots, to be honest. The best part of that story was that you could see everyone's perspective. Even though the "twist" ending was pretty much predictable, it still punched me in the gut but good. I was excited for the possibility of a movie.
...Not so much, anymore. Fucking Hollywood.
Posted by: Telis at October 30, 2007 1:20 PM
Oh no...an Underworld prequel? I just know the "I will make any sequel/prequel no matter how bad the original was, and I am going to make you suffer withj me" S. O. is gonna make me sit through this. Beckinsale is pretty in leather but I am not bicurious enough for that to entertain me for a full two hours. I loathed Underworld, for many reasons, but especially for the "we're going to pretend these two characters are in love now even though they have no chemistry and haven't actually interacted in any meaningful way" plot line. Also the pathetic goth teen's version of what vampires are like (pretty people dressed in black and crimson, lounging aroud a mansion for no particular reason except to be angsty). Arrgh. I have much bile for that movie.
Also, I don't know about the belly button thing, but when I pluck my eyebrows I sneeze. And Dakota Fanning is hella creepy.
Posted by: s. pisaster at October 30, 2007 1:21 PM
I type too fast. That was supposed to be "I will watch any sequel"
Posted by: s. pisaster at October 30, 2007 1:23 PM
Adrian: Gold's Gym in 1975 San Francisco called; they said your membership is about to expire.
Dustin: Just remember what happened when they kicked off "CSI: Bentonville."
Ha ha ... I did enjoy seeing all those corporate Wal-Mart employees lying face down at the crime scenes.
To Everyone Else: Agent Bedhead, our most excellent web designer, has corrected the issues with IE6. WIMB should be working for all of you now. -- DR
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at October 30, 2007 1:41 PM
Cameron Diaz is a horrible bit of casting for My Sister's Keeper. Truly awful. I'm ambivalent about Fanning-creepiness, but both siblings can act circles around Diaz. And apparently they've made the sisters younger (than they were written) in order to cast Diaz. This does not well for a really great book.
Posted by: Jen at October 30, 2007 2:03 PM
Hee, socalled! Quite the apt descriptor.
I truly wish I never clicked on that Adrien Grenier link. I can't take that moment of trauma back. I think the color is what's so devastating. Sigh, blue used to be my favorite.
Yay for Firefox!
Posted by: Daphne at October 30, 2007 2:21 PM
Actually, Cameron Diaz is perfect to play Dakota Fanning's mother. Cameron's face looks exactly like what Dakota's would if you stretched her head to Stewie Griffin proportions. Or if you tried to dry her out like beef jerky, and took the dehydrated husk that was left and put it in star vehicles.
In fact, forget My Sister's Keeper! Let's just make that movie. Except I've run out of creative ways to punish her. I used them all up trying to write Saw 6: Saw Faster by the deadline tomorrow night. Well, it hasn't stopped me yet!
Posted by: insertclevernamehere at October 30, 2007 3:00 PM
In other remake news, Fox have bought the rights to Spaced.
Assumes fetal position and sobs !
Apparently a company bigwig was a fan of Shaun of the Dead and has ordered a pilot.
So, do you think Fox will be leaving all the drugs in?
Further details at chortle dot co dot uk.
(I tried to post the link and it called me spam.)
Posted by: Simon B at October 30, 2007 3:04 PM
As much as I love Willy Wonka (both versions- they are so incredibly different, and I LOVE that the second one got Dahl's widow's seal of approval, after the kerfluffle about the first one), that Magic Emporium thing isn't doing much for me. Based on the trailer, it seems a bit too heavy on the "gee whiz, live toys" factor, and a bit too light on a non-trite plotline. It looked like an amalgam of movies that have already been made.
Posted by: Phaeolus at October 30, 2007 4:08 PM
Couldn't help but wonder, did you ever watch any episodes of Popular? It was suprisinly funny, clever and ridiculous. Also, I would have to say I think Veroncia Mars borrows heavily from Popular, from plot lines to characters.... Just a thought.
Posted by: yazikus at October 30, 2007 4:20 PM
I was about to say the same yazikus, seems odd that a site that loved Veronica Mars so much would diss Popular.
Posted by: cmoody at October 30, 2007 4:34 PM
I kept mixing Duncan up with Josh Ford all the time... Anywhoo, I like both shows alot.
Posted by: yazikus at October 30, 2007 4:38 PM
Oh, please! Not the Fannings and Diaz for My Sister's Keeper. These kids are too young(and creepy) to play the sisters in the book, and Diaz as the mother would be godawful. The mom has to be the heroic mother to the sick child, understanding of the healthy child's position, and she acts as the attorney opposing the healthy child's petition for emancipation and self-determination. Diaz wouldn't be able to accomplish a fraction of the acting necessary to bring this role to life.
Posted by: rlr260 at October 30, 2007 5:19 PM
Exactly. They actually changed a really compelling story (made the daughters younger) so that craptastic Cameron could be cast as the mother. Not just a casting mistake/accident, but casting Hari-Kari.
Posted by: Jen at October 30, 2007 6:23 PM
I'm adding WimB to my feeds right now!
Posted by: Samantha at October 31, 2007 3:45 AM
Damn, I was actually looking foward to Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium but that trailer put me off in a big way. Somebody help me out here; why does it jog a memory of Care Bears??? Plus I didn't realize before that it was a Walden film.
Totally agree about Freaky Fanning.
Posted by: Kate at October 31, 2007 9:51 AM
Kate>/b>, I believe it's the font they're using for the cast titles in the trailer. Very 80's-Care Bearish. Kind of a sucker for vintage graphics, myself. Jason Bateman's always a strong draw, and I really enjoyed Stranger Than Fiction. But I don't know if I can sit through 90 minutes of Natalie Portman being so gee-whiz whimsical. I like her, but Garden State really grated on my nerves.
Posted by: greentara at October 31, 2007 10:46 AM
Uh, sorry for the super-bold post. That's what I get for trying to half-assedly work when I should be paying attention to closing my tags while I post on the Internet.
Posted by: greentara at October 31, 2007 10:49 AM
God, I hated "My Sister's Keeper." Interesting premise, but poor execution. I just thought it was poorly-written. The surprise ending was also such crap.
That said, I actually like Cameron Diaz. I'm dwelling in an alternative universe today, Pajibateers.
Posted by: Samantha T at October 31, 2007 11:43 AM
I do NOT understand the praise for that schlock-fest that was My Sister's Keeper. Jodi Piccoult is a TERRIBLE author, maudlin and sappy and just all around unimaginative. All her books blow serious ass. I feel like the people who praise her books are sad, middle-aged divorced women.
Posted by: j at November 1, 2007 1:12 PM
j - you're an asshole. My Sister's Keeper is Piccoult's best book; it was an interesting premise. Who the hell makes those kind of generalizations based on someone admitting they've read and enjoyed a book?
Posted by: Married-happy-young at November 1, 2007 1:57 PM
j - you're an asshole. Who the hell makes those kinds of generalizations based on someone having read and enjoyed one book?!? It was an interesting concept, and got me thinking about what I would and would not do for my own sister.
Posted by: happy-young-married at November 1, 2007 2:01 PM
The book sucked. Long and hard.
Posted by: j at November 2, 2007 1:00 PM
....?
Posted by: MAx at November 2, 2007 9:09 PM
