Watch Jon Stewart Obliterate Fox News Using Over 50 Words And Very Little Breath
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Watch Jon Stewart Obliterate Fox News Using Over 50 Words And Very Little Breath

By Joanna Robinson | Videos | September 11, 2013 | Comments ()

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Last night after he trampled all over Wolf Blitzer and Secretary Kerry (say it three times fast), Jon Stewart turned his ire on his favorite target, Fox News. And it was glorious. It’s as if Stewart had been bottling this in all summer during his absence. I know what you’re trying to do, Jon Stewart, you’re trying to make me forget my love for John Oliver. But I am not that fickle. Still this epic rant was everything we love about Stewart. He didn’t stop for red lights, hell he didn’t stop for breath. He basically went full MicroMachines Man on us. The whole segment is glorious, but the Fox-related antics start at 6:50.

And if you can’t watch the video at work, here’s the text:

If we caught Charlie Manson, who gives a sh*t who gets the collar? And I get that Fox opposes a Syria peace plan because its modus operandi is to foment dissent in the form of a relentless and irrational contrarianism to Barack Obama and all things Democratic to advance its ultimate objective of creating a deliberately misinformed body politic whose fear, anger, mistrust and discontent is the manna upon which it sustains its parasitic succubus-like existence.

I’d buy that bumper sticker.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • okayflint

    the micromachines that had the little baby micromachine inside of them... so fucking dope

  • Jim Slemaker

    Oh, so this is a "Peace Plan" now? A goofball Sec of State makes an offhand comment that he simultaneously disparages as "will never happen" and that constitutes a "plan"? Oh that clever Obama. Putin and Assad fell right into his wily trap. And heaven help any organization - like the UN, or I dunno, all of our allies - that opposed the Nobel Peace Prize Winner's determination to lob a few "super small" cruise missiles into Syria because of, you know, red line. Pathetic.

  • Katylalala

    I'm just glad he didn't really attempt to do the Carlos Danger Dance when John Oliver wasn't out there with him.

    Sadly, that dance has been the highlight of my summer. Or not sadly, I suppose. John Oliver IS pretty amazing.

  • Carey Adams

    I'd like to add that the comment section here restores my faith in humanity a bit.

  • Katylalala


  • $65530708

    I miss John Oliver.

  • the EPA

    If we caught Charlie Manson, who gives a sh*t who gets the collar? And I get that MSNBC opposes a <insert middle="" eastern="" country=""> plan because its modus operandi is to foment dissent in the form of a relentless and irrational contrarianism to Bush 2, Romney, etc and all things Republican to advance its ultimate objective of creating a deliberately misinformed body politic whose fear, anger, mistrust and discontent is the manna upon which it sustains its parasitic succubus-like existence.

  • koko temur

    you can have your fox news bashing, but for my money? That was some gorgeous, vintage cnn digs. It tastes of summer in tuscani.

  • Joe Grunenwald

    I have to admit that the first, super-cynical thing I thought about the Russia solution was an Admiral Ackbar-style 'It's a trap!', just because it feels like Russia has been standing in the UN's way regarding any action, military or otherwise, in Syria for months, and now, suddenly, they're ready to do something and Assad is just totally on-board with it. It's hard not to find that a little fishy.

    I think I should clarify that this thought had nothing to do with the idea that 'now Russia is getting the credit,' because that's a stupid thing to think. It came from more of a 'Russia is manipulating this situation' thought. Either way, I think I watch too much TV.

    Again, super-cynical. I agree with Stewart that, ultimately, if it keeps us out of another war it's a good thing.

  • Carey Adams

    Uh, not super-cynical. Super right on the money, mate.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    I think that Russia showed its weakness here. Putin was almost ready to abstain in a vote to intervene in Syria, and then Kerry makes that statement. Russia - and Syria by extension - grasp at that straw without hesitation. How does that look?

    Putin is desperately trying to keep his country's last remaining ally in the middle east.

  • Miss Jane

    I love geo-politics -- and it's all built on relationships over time. In this case, Putin has been supporting Assad for awhile now and for once, can put that relationship to good use. Of course Assad would trust Putin over the U.S. or the U.N. It seems such an elegant solution -- America stays out of the region, Putin gets to be a good guy (for once) and Assad gets to save some face by backing away from the horrors of a "final solution" on his people or facing American airstrikes.

  • Maguita NYC

    Jon Stewart attends twerking classes? Although he was joking, I'd really love to see that.

  • e jerry powell

    If you have to go to class, you probably don't have enough ass.

  • Mrs. Julien

    That Guy: It's modus operandi.

    I lived in the US for 11 years now. I'm still not comfortable. I love Jon Stewart (and would be happy if the Oliver era started tomorrow), but I can't always watch the show. Almost everything about American politics either frustrates or saddens me. I know Jon Stewart gets to rail for all of us and is meant to be a candle against the darkness, but more often it feels like pi$sing into the wind.

  • Pajiba_Pragmatist

    How much of the frustration stems from the sense that we'd be better off"if only people would do what I know to be right"?

    Then understand that everyone is having the exact same thought, just with different conclusions about what is "right".

  • Mrs. Julien

    I realise that. It's a few things: I am powerless to vote. It is excruciating watching the Republican tactic (hardline, no concessions) versus the Democrat (even when they hold the power they are unnecessarily conciliatory). As you said, the decisions make no sense to me, but I do not believe, as some of my friends do, that if I could just explain things clearly to people, everyone would agree with me. Plus I see how irrelevant the desires of the electorate are (e.g. gun control). I'm not naive just frustrated. Naivete would be less depressing.

  • Pajiba_Pragmatist

    Here's a quick lesson in the state of U.S. politics. The reason that you find Democrats to be conciliatory is because you think of the Democrats as a "party". Until very recently Dems were not a party, they were a coalition of interests. To illustrate, ask yourself what does a gay, jewish lawyer in San Fransisco have in common with a Catholic auto-plant worker in Ohio? and what do they both have in common with an African-American share cropper in Mississippi?

    They have no cultural touchstones of commonality, outside of the feeling that more can be done for them individually if the government improves opportunity for all.

    Republicans were much more of a collective like the Democrats until Gingrich made the decision to give up fiscally conservative but socially agnostic seats in New England in exchange for more total seats in the south.

    The Democrats looked at the gains the Republicans made by forgoing coalition members and frankly moved to model it. Blue Dog Democrats are now an endangered species.

    This changes the language parties use from "follow us because we will help you" to "follow us because we are morally right". But the reality is most government work is not a morality play - it's about effciently using collective resources to build infrastructure, defend borders, expedite emergency recoveries, manage parks, convene standards bodies etc.

    Boring stuff that we pay taxes for so that we don't have to spend time each one of us reinventing the wheel.

    So don't add to this morality play by thinking "all politicians are corrupt" or any of that claptrap. Instead get ahold of the fact that each one of them is working to represent the people that elected them in the way that they believe produces the best result. It is the people of America that have turned government from a tool into a morality play, not the Members of Congress.

  • Maguita NYC

    To be fair Mrs. J, most everyone lately feels frustrated at the state of their country and its politicians.

    Stewart's snark and take on absurd reality is a way to finding relief in comedy, and bonding over the wacky irrational of it all.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Sometimes it bonds, sometimes it breaks and I can't even watch the satire anymore.

  • Katylalala

    I don't know if Jon Stewart is just taking so much of what he talks about to heart or what, but he has started to seem more dark in recent years, like he almost can't handle doing this every day and trying to mock the state of the world anymore.

    I have gone through bouts during that time of obsessively watching TDS and not watching it at all, depending on whether my overall Depression can handle it. I was SO glad that John Oliver was the summer host - he had a freshness and exuberance that Stewart has been missing for a while. Dude just seems plain exhausted and broken from what he does every day.

  • emmalita

    In the last few years there's been a look in Jon Stewart's eye of, "are we really still talking about this?"

  • melissa82

    I completely agree - I think it would help both the viewers enjoyment and John Stewart's stress levels if he took every summer off. We would get a bit of time with someone not so seemingly beaten down by having to day-after-day deal with the mess that is our current political climate, and JS could decompress. (Granted he wasn't really 'decompressing' this summer....)

  • Mrs. Julien

    Thank for articulating it so well.

  • BWeaves

    It's a comedy show. Unfortunately, so are the other news networks.

  • e jerry powell

    It's a question of intent, really...

  • merryxmas

    Are you crazy??? That won't fit on a bumper sticker.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Any sticker can be a bumper sticker if your bumper is big enough:

  • bleujayone

    It should fit on the back of Hummers and Avalanches.

    Now that would be rolling irony, wouldn't it?

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