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Video: I Will Hit You Until You Bleed. And Then I'll J**k Off to the Memory

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Videos | Comments (18)

foglersickjoke.jpg

For a few years between 2006 and 2008, Hollywood was really trying to make Dan Fogler happen, but they couldn’t quite make his special brand of suck appeal to the masses. I was a little disappointed that the human cum-stain, the 275-pound blob of anthropomorphic ejaculate, couldn’t make it big because the man inspired a great deal of loathing. He is a sick joke, but he helped me deal with some anger issues.

Along with Topher Grace and Anna Faris, Fogler will be starring in Take Me Home Tonight this weekend, a movie that sat on the shelf for a while. From the looks of it, it’s been sitting on the shelf since 1989. It’s like a 2007 time-capsule that captured Fogler and Grace during a period in which they still thought they had a career ahead of them. Normally, the stars of films that have been shelved for a few years do the minimum amount of publicity possible, hoping that the film will just go away and they can move on with their careers. But for Fogler and Grace, it’s kind of a last shot thing.

So, of course, they went to Funny or Die! to create some buzz around the film by ignoring the film as much as possible, I suspect. In this video, we learn that Fogler and Grace don’t like to be disturbed.

It’s actually funny. Not because of Dan Fogler, of course. He’s a human-shaped fart that’s been lingering around for three years, refusing to get caught up in the breeze.









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Comments

Yeah, I kinda doubt it's gonna have Bill & Ted's off-the-shelf success.

It's almost upsetting how.....unnecessary it feels. Like when I got mad because I hadn't even realized Norah Jones was singing on "Saturday Night Live". "THIS is what people are whooping about?!" But I imagine this'll be out of my face in a few days.

But can I stop being asked to pay attention to Anna Faris?

Posted by: Jay at March 3, 2011 9:38 AM

Aw I like Topher Grace. I've always wondered why he didn't have a bigger career. Maybe he'll hit it big when he turns 40?

Yea Dan Fogler is quite unnecessary.

Posted by: grace b at March 3, 2011 9:43 AM

Is all this Fogler hate simply to mask your love for Balls of Fire? It's OK. We won't judge you if it is. (We'll totally judge the shit out of you. That movie was crap.)

Posted by: Paultera at March 3, 2011 10:02 AM

Whenever I doubt why I come to Pajiba, I find a post about Dan Fogler and realize I'm not alone. I saw that "actor" in The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee on Broadway and thought his "style" ruined a lot of the show. The show succeeded in spite of him. Then he won the Tony Award over four better performances for being a fat man in a little suit and I grew to hate him. Then he further proved his incompetence in big Hollywood pictures and I hated him more.

And you know what? The West Coast can keep him as long as they want. If he's constantly crapping over film sets, he's not shitting on the boards in NYC. May his Hollywood reign never end no matter how much we wish he'd disappear off the face of the Earth.

Posted by: Robert at March 3, 2011 10:10 AM

I REALLY like Topher Grace, I think he is funny and has a lovely quality. He might be losing out from looking so boyish. I expect he'll be back when he gets some years on him. Those sentences are really boring. You could use them as examples of why not to post a comment. They contribute nothing to the discussion and do so in a banal manner. There's a strange synchronicity in that, but one with a soporific effect that cannot be ameliorated by the sudden use of big words. Not necessarily physically long words, but ones which, despite what people have thought since she was very young, are just the way the writer speaks/writes. Granted, before using them here, she sometimes double-checks just to be certain of their appropriateness, and in order to avoid a potential volley of verbal whips and salt, but still, checking never makes a difference because she's always right. Not about life. Just vocabulary. The referring to herself in the third person? Now that is not right. Not at all. I would suggest that this annoying habit is exactly where you should begin your derisive assault, should you feel the impulse to do so.

Imagine how dull my anecdotes are.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at March 3, 2011 10:16 AM

Figgy: ^^^^^

Posted by: Dustin Rowles at March 3, 2011 10:19 AM

I still get mad about Balls of Fury. I watched it while I was home sick from work and barely able to move or think. Yet I am still upset I wasted an hour and a half of my life on it when I could have just stared at the ceiling.

Posted by: benjiep at March 3, 2011 10:25 AM

benjiep But did the adrenaline rush of your rage stimulate your immune system and thus speed your recovery? Silver lining?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at March 3, 2011 10:28 AM

Ah, but the short-term immune boosting effect of the adrenaline release would have been eclipsed by the immune depressing effects of the chronic stress response, which would have been caused by exposure to the entire 1 1/2 hour stressor that was this torrent of dreck. So actually, watching the movie probably made you sicker, benjip.

(Literally just finished an exam on this)

Posted by: Nobody's Little Weasel at March 3, 2011 10:43 AM

You know, I used to think Fogler was an irredeemable piece of shit, but then that Sam Kinison impersonation sort of won me over. I kinda want to see the guy in an interesting role.

Am I a bad person?

Posted by: Seany D at March 3, 2011 11:33 AM

Seany D, Fogler was born to do a Kinison biopic. Once he does that and gets a little acclaim, he can go away.

He was signed on to do it, then I don't know what happened.

Posted by: maka at March 3, 2011 12:03 PM

Oh god I hope that Kinison biopic is still on. I hope Fogler does it and kicks ass maybe even gets an Oscar nom all just to give Dustin a stroke. (fingers crossed)

Posted by: jen at March 3, 2011 12:32 PM

Can someone please explain why Fogler inspires such loathing? I must have missed the hate train on this one...

Posted by: Moviefraud at March 3, 2011 12:33 PM

moviefraud

Dane Cook, Good Luck Chuck...

plus his character is all "HEYYY PARTY GUYS LET'S DRINK SOME BEERS AND HIT ON WOMEN BECAUSE I'M FAT"

Posted by: maka at March 3, 2011 12:53 PM

Thanks maka.

Human cum-stain still seems extreme...

Liked him in Taking Woodstock.

Posted by: Moviefraud at March 3, 2011 12:59 PM

So Rouge Studios for some odd reason decided to buy a movie that Universal buried in the vaults for the last four years. Now I'm not saying they can't make a profit here, but I wonder what it is about the movie that makes Universal so skittish to release it. I had read two different takes on this; the first being the movie depicted cocaine use (it is suppose to be the 1980's) and Universal in a moment of non-existent morality would have nothing to do with that. The other more likely possibility is that this movie is so bad that if they couldn't find another suck..er..ah studio to take it off their hands for distribution they would sooner put it in a paper bag, light it on fire and leave it on the director's front porch. Given the crap they've released in the past, I'm leaning slightly more towards the latter, and it gives me the willies.

I don't envy the low man on the Pajiba staff who gets to find out which one it is. Dustin would probably slingshot black Jujubes at the screen in a blind foaming rage anytime Fogle shows up.

Posted by: bleujayone at March 3, 2011 1:09 PM

Finally a scathing review by a bitchy person. Well done.

Posted by: Plumperz at March 3, 2011 3:47 PM

WTF Julien. Stroke out for a second there

Posted by: JackRandom at March 3, 2011 7:44 PM