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This Is Nightcrawler

By | Posted Under Videos | Comments (16)

nightcrawler-5.jpg

Ultimately, we will all be called upon to defend the music of our youth. Some day, my kid is going to come to me and say, “Dad. The 80s. What the hell?” And I will say to her, “I was 13 when 1989 ended. It wasn’t my fault.”

(I’ll have to find some way to explain how Teddy Riley appeared in 174 bands between 1990 and 1995, but that’s another problem.)

Take Knight Crawler here. Clearly, they’ve spent about $193 on this video and they’ve hit all the 80s rock video highlights — long hair, tight pants, skanks, well, skank — none of it makes a lick of sense. Why the hell is there a woman in stone-washed jorts gyrating arhythmically on a “gritty” street corner? Why does the guitar player have one foot planted on the wall? Why is the drummer air drumming when he could be playing his drums?

That said, the terrible visuals do district somewhat from the lyrics and when you think about it, that’s a video’s primary job. Nobody likes Katy Perry for her musical ability.


Jason Harris still loves New Jack Swing and he will not apologize for it. But Kris Kross and ABC are indefensible.









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Comments

Kriss Kross- How in the hell did those kids take a leak with their pants on backwards? What a pain in the ass.

Posted by: Porkchop Express at January 31, 2011 8:18 PM

WHY ARE YOU TRICKING ME WITH A TEASER FEATURING MY FAVORITE CHARACTER FROM X-MEN LEGENDS, HARRIS!

Posted by: D-Day at January 31, 2011 8:22 PM

It may hurt you to know this, but as a high school based 'Jiban, I am ashamed to say that some people do like Katy Perry for her musical ability. I don't get it either.

Posted by: A-schaef at January 31, 2011 8:31 PM

Director: Don Dickhausen

What, was Sam Schlongmaison busy? Craig Cockabode not around? Jim Johnsonranch?

I'll go away now.

Posted by: D-Day at January 31, 2011 8:33 PM

How can one like a complete absence of something?
"I love outer space, the air's real good there"

Posted by: Ian at January 31, 2011 8:36 PM

Mein Gott, you raised my hopes and dashed them just as quickly. Well done, mein freund.

Also, my children will learn to love the name "Teddy Riley" and see it as a sign of quality, or they will be properly punished.

Posted by: Jeremy at January 31, 2011 9:12 PM

JortGirl got her some bangin' haunches but also an unfortunate rat-face.

Posted by: firedmyass at January 31, 2011 9:15 PM

The word "jorts" made me snort laugh. The laughter stopped when the music started. Those sure were some "emotionally ravaged" children, tho.

Also, no fair teasing with my old friend Kurt up there. Not fair at all.

YES, ABC is defensible! Mainly when Smokey sings.

Posted by: Chickaboom at January 31, 2011 9:18 PM

That thing is six minutes long. There is no God.

Lissen, Harris, I'm with you on Kriss Kross, but ABC recorded "The Look of Love" and that makes the rest of their oeuvre forgivable.

Clash. Ramones. Costello. Blondie. Gang Of fucking FOUR. Pretenders. I could type band names for an hour and not be done. The Eighties were a fucking golden age of music, and I will personally enucleate anyone who disagrees.

No, no, no. I'm talking about Another Bad Creation, the ABC of "Aeisha" and "Coolin' At The Playground" fame. "Look Of Love" is the jam. JH

Posted by: Jerce at January 31, 2011 9:45 PM

Jerce! I'm seeing Gang of Four this Saturday with my dad. I wasn't alive during their initial incarnation, but this will be maybe the fourth time my dad has seen them live since the 80s.

And Mr. Harris, I'm afraid I think I can top you on ridiculous 80s music videos. A friend of mine played baseball with the son of the singer in this video. He's actually met the man!

Behold:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5E7y-48aer4

Posted by: Patrick the Bunny at February 1, 2011 2:22 AM

Gott In Himmel!!! I thought we had a chance there, Harris! A chance to show Kurt some love! Explore the psyche of the ultimate gentleman! Talk about his awesome hands! And tail! The tail, ladies!

You squander! You betray! You bring up that spectre of end times Katy Perry!

How COULD you? I can barely LOOK at you.

Posted by: replica at February 1, 2011 2:48 AM

When she asks you about the '80s, just point her to the '70s, and make sure she notices the Musical Crime Scene tape all over the place. Yeah, there were sparks of hope in the '70s, but they were repeatedly stomped into oblivion by a sea of pure crap.

Have her listen to Horse with No Name followed by Sometimes When We Touch, and when she's finished hysterically weeping, she'll be begging for shoulder pads and enormous hair, I promise.

Posted by: Wednesday at February 1, 2011 7:47 AM

"JortGirl got her some bangin' haunches but also an unfortunate rat-face."

Posted by: firedmyass

Sad but true. Also sad but true? I'd still hit it. Bangin' haunches trump rat face. It's like, science or something.

Anybody else notice the keyboard player looks like Baldrick?

Posted by: Groundloop at February 1, 2011 8:08 AM

Was that supposed to be metal? My fucking toddler is more metal than that. At the very most they could call themselves Aluminum Adult Contemporary.

Posted by: admin at February 1, 2011 9:39 AM

I thought I recognized the building they were "playing" in front of! Yes, the Twin Towns that brought you Prince also harbored the crusty detritus that is "Knight Crawler." The internets tell us that they started as a "Deep Purple tribute band." Therefore, the jury declares the 80s "not guilty" of this band, and points to the 70s as the real perpetrators of this crime.

However, the 80s must accept responsibility for the acid washed jorts and will be fined accordingly.

Posted by: mistress of all evil at February 1, 2011 10:02 AM

Oh, JortsGirl. This is why you don't let customers pay for lapdances with "featured video roles". You would've gotten further with the cash.

Posted by: jM at February 1, 2011 10:55 AM