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The Definitive Ranking Of All The Superbowl Movie Trailers

By Emily Chambers | Videos | February 6, 2017 | Comments ()

By Emily Chambers | Videos | February 6, 2017 |


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The trailers are being judged not on their inherent quality (so no bonus points for using clever edits, Transformers), but on the perceived overall value of the final movie. So, is watching Dead Javier Bardem steer a pirate ship entertaining? Clearly. Is that pirate movie going to suck? Most definitely.

From Least to Most Promising

Transformers: The Last Knight

These are not good movies.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Dead men tell no tales, but dead movie franchises just keep pumping them out. Weird.

Ghost in the Shell

This one’s really a mixed bag. On the one hand, you’ve got the source material and the visually stunning nature of the film. On the other hand, you’ve got all that blatant whitewashing, and more recently disturbing, the beige bodysuit. Listen, I know the bodysuit is supposed to approximate Scarlett Johansson’s nakedness and therefore sexiness. But this thing is in the uncanny valley of nudity. It’s just not right.

The Fate of the Furious

Confession: I have never seen any of the Fast and Furious movies. And just when the combined appeal of 2020 Presidential Candidate Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson and Charlize Theron convinces me to change that, a goddamn submarine pops up out of the ice and I go back to not caring about cars forever.

A Cure for Wellness

I’m a little perplexed as to why this movie has the marketing budget that it does. It’s a mid-budget atmospheric and creepy horror flick without a very-well-known star attached. It should be run with almost no advertising, and then when it becomes a sleeper hit, the lack of commercials will make it seem even creepier. But unless the resolution to the mysterious sanitarium is great, the movie’s going to flop. Also, we need to find out why Jason Isaac’s agent thinks he’s such a creepy bastard right now.

Life

I know it has a lot of our boy/girlfriends in this, but I’m not willing to sign off just yet. We’ve already seen Alien and we’ve seen Gravity. If there isn’t something new to the script, it’ll be a waste of a lot of pretty talent.

Baywatch

There’s no reason to believe a movie based on a bad TV show from twenty years ago will be any good. But 21 Jump Street exists, so I just don’t know how to judge these things anymore.

Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 2

Don’t give me that face. I’m not saying GotG 2 isn’t going to be amazing. I’m saying this is a tough field. There’s no shame in being beaten by the best.

Logan

We’ve been so burned by so many Wolverine movies before, I know I should be cautious. But, damnit, this looks spectacular. Any movie trailer that beats out this one would need to have literally everything.

John Wick: Chapter 2

Everything.


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