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Love Is A Beautiful Thing

By | Posted Under Videos | Comments (18)

bush-kiss.jpg

Let’s face it, Pajibans are a socially awkward lot. Like all geeks, we think about sex a great deal, but our general misanthropy and disdain for humanity makes interpersonal relationships difficult.

But Valentine’s Day is coming up and no doubt that harpy/twerp who lets you rub his and/or dangly bits is going to insist on getting some attention in exchange for a little snu-snu. Yes, you’d rather get oral sex while drinking and watching “Venture Bros.” reruns, but love is a battlefield, my friend, and it’s time for you to draw up a plan of attack.

Fortunately, Pajiba stands ready to help you mimic real human emotions. When it comes to seduction, we don’t mess around. We go to that interstellar cocksman, Zapp Branigan. If Zapp’s advice can’t get you’re lover’s dong up or her panties down, then you, sir and/or madam, are screwing a corpse. (You’re on your own if you’re in a relationship with a man who wears panties.)

Bam!

By now, your lover should be feeling that itch that only you can scratch. Now it’s time to put on some mood music. It’s time to let your lover know that it is time to knock the bottom out.

But you can’t leave this shit to chance and your weird collection of teen pop, goth and queefcore just won’t seal the deal. No. Leave this shit to a professional. Leave it to Go Go Club Riddim.

Beautiful. It brings a tear to me eye it does.

If I can talk to the fellas for a minute, we know that sometimes the “little soldier” doesn’t “salute the flag.” It happens to everyone. Well, not to me. Fuck that dumb shit. But if it happens to YOU, we got you covered.

Are we a full-service website or what?

Jason Harris is probably going to have a shitty Valentine’s Day, but he’s going to do his best to spread the misery around.









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Comments

Dude, excellent advice. All I got my wife was a card and a coupon book for Huggy Bear Time. You've taught me to elevate my schwerve.

Posted by: Snath at February 11, 2011 8:39 AM

Why would I want to receive oral sex while watching "Venture Brothers"? I MIGHT MISS A JOKE OR SOMETHING IMPORTANT!

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at February 11, 2011 8:47 AM

Fine, Harris, I'm going to run my game using you're three-plus-ten methods. If I strike out, I'm coming for you. And dat ass.

Posted by: admin at February 11, 2011 8:51 AM

Pajiba has gotten me laid a few times. It was by the same person, but still. I have Pajiba to thank for that.

Posted by: staceygarrett at February 11, 2011 9:03 AM

When I have sex, I like to have sex on Pajiba.

Posted by: zeke the pig at February 11, 2011 9:26 AM

Fuck this. I am marginalised again!

Posted by: peanut at February 11, 2011 9:30 AM

My monitor's not big enough, Zeke.

Posted by: Blank at February 11, 2011 9:35 AM

Harris hates Australians.

Posted by: admin at February 11, 2011 9:36 AM

My monitor is juuust right.

I read Pajiba on my phone.

Posted by: nosio at February 11, 2011 9:45 AM

I thought oral sex was a myth. Hmm...

Posted by: Cindy at February 11, 2011 10:35 AM

Last Valentines Day, my late father gave my mom a rolling pin.

Posted by: The Mutt at February 11, 2011 10:43 AM

That song is a masterpiece. Stellar vocals, subtle and intelligent lyrics, and a grind-worthy faux-island beat. If they got Rihanna on that track, it's be a Number 1 hit.

Posted by: Robert at February 11, 2011 10:58 AM

Thanks for that song. I was hoping to get something resembling very drunken karaoke stuck in my head today to make my Friday last longer.

Is it just me or is that picture of Gianna Michaels but just missing two vital career pillows-I mean pillars. Not that I would know who Gianna Michaels is. It's not like I have a bunch of pictures of her in a secret folder on my home PC or anything. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah Zap.

"I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boobies."

Posted by: Paultera at February 11, 2011 11:10 AM

I remember sex.

Kinda.

*drools into gruel*

Posted by: , at February 11, 2011 11:10 AM

I'll be playing that song for my true love on Monday night while receiving oral sex and watching Venture Bros.

Posted by: Jadine at February 11, 2011 12:42 PM

Wait!!? Lincoln is the capitol of NE!?

Posted by: Luke at February 11, 2011 4:40 PM

Cindy, it is real and best served by someone who can lick their eyebrows.

Posted by: Nicolae at February 11, 2011 7:28 PM

To the moon with human desire and tampon-churning to which it leads. More public displays of ataxia, that's we need to see. Sit back, watch Uncle Buck a few times, wait for the potatoes to ferment, consider greenlighting a project called, When Autopsies Attack, have cinnamon hearts injected into the jugular and finish the night with a rousing table read of FIND ME, by Rosie O'Donnell.

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at February 11, 2011 9:02 PM