Pajiba

I LOVE the narrator in the video. Makes me want to listen to some Lovecraft audiobooks.

Seems like a fairly accurate recreation.

I'm pretty sure I was in about third grade when I got The Talk. I know it was awkward as hell and that I was young enough that I giggled every time my dad said "penis."

Try growing up in a strict Catholic household and getting "the talk" from a nun, circa 1972 (when I got it). For years, I honestly thought there was a real pearl between my legs, and that boys would try to steal that pearl -- no doubt, in my child's mind, so they could sell it to buy beer. No kidding, it was during one late-night, after-bedtime search for the pearl that I figured out how to masturbate. So I guess the Church did something right, even if it was inadvertent.

That really was the best thing ever.

I have only one memory of one of my sex ed classes in jr. high (I moved a few times).

The health teacher spent about one minute addressing anal sex, and this is what she had to say in her soft, south Texan accent: "Students, it rips and tears the rectum."

It's probably not true, but I ain't ever trying it.

My daughter's mom has always been uncomfortable with these kinds of talks, so I've been the one to make certain she gets a solid understanding of how everything works. I started explaining stuff when she was ten or eleven, so that she'd actually listen to me.

I still remember one particular discussion when I hit most of the big topics-- how you get pregnant, how the parts work, every form of birth control I could think of, etc. When we were finishing up, I asked her if she had any questions. She sat there thinking for a couple of moments, then looked up at me as said-- yeah, how does that masturbation stuff work for girls?

The first answer that came to mind was "when you figure it out, make sure you tell me!"

Needless to say, that wasn't actually my reply. I told her everyone responds a little differently, suggested that when she takes a bath would be a good time to figure it out, and ordered her a Good Vibrations catalog so she'd have an idea what was available to help.

And believe it or not, it wasn't awkward. It can be done.

My kid was seven when we started talking about sex. I figured I better get her educated soon because I had a dog in season and I'd brought in a stud dog for my first litter of puppies. So we talked about what happens in dogs, and in people, and were generally pretty open about the topic. It all seemed to go fairly well.

Until the morning when the stud actually tied the bitch. No problems at the actual event, so off she went to school and I went to work.

That afternoon, I was taking her and a friend somewhere in the car, and from the backseat, I hear my daughter authoritatively explaining to her friend that they should never have sex. Because the boy will get stuck in the girl and she'll have to drag him around by his penis until he can escape. And they'll both be yelling or whining the whole time.

Apparently this was the story she related to the entire second grade. She was so proud to enlighten her friends.

Amazingly similar to my own experiences, Wednesday.

That sex education in school even exists is proof that many people are crappy parents. Schools shouldn't be telling kids how to get it on. First of all, they won't do it right anyway (the schools; actually, the kids probably won't do it "right" either, but at least they have an excuse). Second, telling your kid about sex is your job, not the school district's.

I'm not one of those anti-sex ed nitwits, I wouldn't have a problem with it if schools actually did a competent job, but they don't, apparently. It's hard to decide who disseminates more misinformation: peers, the culture in general, or the duly appointed educators.

I don't remember any actual sex ed in school (this was the '80s in Oklahoma). I vaguely recall something about birth control. I don't remember any condoms on bananas. I think our "education" was a section we covered in science class or health class or something. Obviously, it made a really deep impression on me. My parents told me nothing that I can recall.

Seriously, American parents should be ashamed schools feel like they have to have sex ed. Until more people start stepping up and doing their jobs, seems like the best places to find accurate, non-biased, non-churchy info about sex is non-school resources, like maybe Planned Parenthood or a few well-known advice-givers (ie, the aforementioned Dan Savage). Kids today are lucky, they can easily get this shit on the Intertubes. Of course, they can also get the porn, which I guess is a sort of education. Not necessarily a good one, though.

Here's the thing, Slash: Sex Ed falls under the rubric of public health, which means if it isn't taught in public schools, it should be taught somewhere by government officials who have agreed upon a set standard for the public's safety. Of course parents should take a more active role in teaching their kids about sex, but it's similar to kids getting their vaccinations. If you leave it solely up to the parents, kids will get sick. Now, I may have been lucky in that I had parents who told me everything (basically, eventually) and I had a decent sex ed experience in school (which mostly reiterated what my parents had said), so I could be coming at this from just a better personal perspective. What needs to happen, rather than excising Sex Ed (because we should not, flat out), we should be making Sex Ed better and banning Abstinence-Only curriculums. We should also be hiring sexuality specialists, not just assining the task to gym teachers and librarians.

And, if I remember, the class was entirely voluntary, anyway. Or, at least, parents had to sign waivers or something before kids could take it. Only one kid in my entire grade didn't take it, and he was ridiculed mercilessly for suddenly being the only one who didn't know what an erection is.

My point, boiling it down, is this: More Sex In Public Schools!

My school sex ed experience was pretty uneventful. The teacher made sure to do it with the projector on and the lights off, which made most of us feel less embarrassed, I think, not being able to see each other or the teacher.

The parental side, on the other hand, was rather trying. For some reason, my mom decided to give the talk to all 3 of us kids at the same time: I was 10, my sister 5, and my brother somewhere in between. She got an illustrated book from the library clearly meant for my sister's age range (extremely vague and spending more time on animals than humans). Needless to say, I learned nothing.

Lucky for me, I'm curious and loved researching on my own, so at some point between the embarrassing family talk and the school learning, I looked up sexual intercourse in the dictionary and completely horrified myself by reading all about it ("Eeew, he puts that in there?!?").

I have a feeling that if I ever have a son, I'll be giving the talk to him, as my husband doesn't even like talking about sex with me.