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How to Poop at Work

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Videos | Comments (20)

work-toilet (1).jpg

If all goes well, this might be my last night in the late evening video viral spot, as a familiar contributor might be taking over next week. I only say that because I’d like to leave you with a very important, informative video that affects all of our daily lives, and by noting this may be my last viral video post, maybe I can give a little extra weight to the importance of this video. It’s an issue a lot Americans have to contend with every day (not so much the Canadians, what with their lack of shame). If you’ve struggled with this issue, then I know that this highly educational video will help you in your time of crisis.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, “How to Poop at Work.” If you have anything to add to the information provided therein, please do so in the comments. I’m sure it’s advice many of you can use. Not me, of course. Because I work from home. Also, I’m superhuman, and I’ve never pooped in my life. I find it uncouth.

(Hat Tip: Pinky McLadybits)









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Comments

i love that you can hear the fan.

Posted by: gp at July 15, 2010 8:05 PM

Came down to comments and thought I saw "Video ads pooping up after each page view?"

Posted by: whatBENwatches at July 15, 2010 8:43 PM

I'm old, you're on my lawn and not so much with the scatalogical humour. And not so much is a reference to Mad About You the TV show that is a. long gone and 2. does not hold up over time.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at July 15, 2010 8:54 PM

maybe I can give a little extra weight to the importance of this video

Who has no shame now?

Posted by: Uriah Creep at July 15, 2010 8:57 PM

This is all very informative and all, for the rest of you, but it's of no use to me at all because mine doesn't smell.

Posted by: Jerce at July 15, 2010 9:03 PM

No, no, this is second-rate crap is what this is.

Her steps aren't completely thought out, as she assumes everyone poops in the exact same fashion:

1) don't wait until the last minute? Hell, I can't make it through the first minute without having to dump;

3) distractions? All I can do at my one-stall bathroom is offer an exaggerated cough within milliseconds of "courtesy flushing" the toilet to in actual fact cover the ungodly noises that emerge from my desparate bowels throughout and beyond the tiled, echoe'd reverberation as my anus is blowing sh-- ..
I mean poop bombs in quantities that COULD NOT POSSIBLY have accumulated within my digestive system since the last time I "emptied" myself - about 2 FUCKING HOURS AGO WITHOUT EATING/DRINKING A THING in between!

The matches? I'll never go to work without them again, thank you very much..

BUT (heh heh, he said "butt"), how can one, like my understandably anonymous self, reduce the amount of TIME required for my bowels to recover from the recent rectal explosion of poopies??

This deficit precludes extra time for the 'vanishing' and 'clean-up' steps, my dear.. or did you assume every human being takes a tidy 20-30 seconds to just 'poop and proceed'???

It's not that easy for some of us bowel blowers, and you'd have done this not-so-small segment of people an enormous favor to offer up one of your precious "steps" to cover us 4-10 minute poopers you short-sighted BITCH!!!

Sorry for the outburst, I'm rather - 'sensitive' about this subject (mean comments not welcome, wiseguys...)

Posted by: Pooponymous at July 15, 2010 9:15 PM

It's like somebody was a huge fan of Tim & Eric & made a bad fan video!

Posted by: Neonlexicon at July 15, 2010 10:26 PM

Everybody knows how to take a big-ass shit at work. The problem is the smell.

Take it from me ---Stinky---getting rid of the smell as soon as you run out of the bathroom is the No. 1 problem. And sprays DO NOT WORK. Sprays are like draping a band-aid over a broken sewer-line.

Frankly, if you can't vacate the premises odor-free, then, you have to resort to Plan B: How to pin the odor on someone else. This is where it gets tricky. Frankly, the video should have focused on this topic. My bowels have no problem cutting loose, they just don't have another living soul on whom to pin the stench.This is where a video would've made a difference: "Intestinal Help-Ass Perjury," or something of the like.

All right, Already?I don't know why I feel comfortable saying this, but (maybe it's because I feel it in my bowels)[OK, I'll stop] we are ALL past the "cutting loose" part...Tell us how to nail someone else with the stank.


Posted by: Stinky at July 15, 2010 11:25 PM

Courtesy flush is all you really need to know, but you need to be a quick pooper for maximum effectiveness. (pssst, Pooponymous. More fiber!)

Posted by: katy at July 15, 2010 11:33 PM

THe bird calls just killed me. That plus the production values. Hee.

Posted by: figgy at July 15, 2010 11:49 PM

I have a TRAGIC poopin' at work story I posted on here over a year ago. I will see if I can dig it up. It really is appropriate. Actually, it is TERRIBLY inappropriate, but I would love to trot it out again.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at July 16, 2010 12:05 AM


Ha FOUND IT!

http://www.pajiba.com/eloquent_eloquence/eloquent-eloquence-071609.php#comment-239121

My Traumatic Poopin-at-the-office story:

Picure it: A small office of a dozen or so people, a day like any other. I go to the loo, everything goes as planned, until the flush. At which point the toilet clogs up. To be fair, it was probably already clogged before I even got there and I just hadn’t noticed. It was famous for sneaky-bastard clogs on nothing more than paper. Anywhoodle, after some protracted swearing, I begin to plunge.

Carefully.

20 minutes and one blister on my hand later, I had produced a bowlful of frothy chunky brown nuclear waste. The level of the bowl had gone down some so I prayed to Godtopus, and flushed. Bad move. I cursed Godtopus and all of his lesser deities as the bowl overflowed and began to pool across the floor. I waded in and shut off the water, then used the entire contents of the paper towel dispenser, plus all of the spare packages, to fashion a soggy brownish dam to prevent the sewage from going under the bathroom door and saturating the hallway carpet. The toilet then spontaneously unclogs itself, leaving me standing surrounded by over a gallon of shit-water. Fucker. I then had to do a walk of shame to the boss to give him the news. His response was “That is tragic.”
Lots of mopping and some weeping later, I had it cleaned up, but the story spread throughout the land.

Mockery ensued. —Lindsey with an ‘e’

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at July 16, 2010 12:19 AM

Posted by: anon at July 16, 2010 3:44 AM

Use this stuff for odor. Seriously, you will shit brix. It's amazing.

http://www.poopreport.com/Consumer/Content/JustaDrop/justadrop.html

Posted by: VentureSister at July 16, 2010 4:27 AM

This helps me not.

Posted by: Human Centipede Segment 1 at July 16, 2010 8:22 AM

I always do a double flush. One immediately following "the action" and one after the "clean up". I also spray disinfectant into the bowl before exit. I'm not sure if this actually works but I gotta try.

Posted by: Danielle Lilly at July 16, 2010 8:36 AM

This helps me not.

Posted by: Human Centipede Segment 1 at July 16, 2010 8:22 AM

You should talk.

Posted by: Human Centipede Segment 2 at July 16, 2010 8:57 AM

I save my poop for the drawers and briefcases of workmates. Nothing forges the bonds of office comradery like unknowingly jamming your hand into the Head Accountant's recycled chimichanga dinner.

Posted by: Kballs at July 16, 2010 9:02 AM

@Lindsey with an e:
That totally happened to me too. EXCEPT I didn't tell anyone it was me--I claimed vomiting (which is somehow less embarrassing than pooping) and said I had to go home. Probably the worst day of my professional life.

Posted by: wildgoosechase at July 16, 2010 12:48 PM

I suppose I'm very fortunate to work in a massive corporate office. Because, man, we've got those awesome industrial strength Al Bundy "BAWOOSH" toilets. You know the ones - it's like all the rage in the world is united to create a solitary compact Niagra Falls function inside the bowl and the anger is converted into the bliss of an effective waste disposal. Ah, the glory of it!

No, the problem, here, is lack of courtesy:

1. Gentlemen - the restroom is NOT your personal karaoke bar. PLEASE stop singing. Just be QUIET.

2. Really? All over the walls? For serious?

3. Sinks. Use. Them.

4. Stop at your desk and set down your beverage container BEFORE you visit the stalls.

5. If you have difficulty with the concept of item #3, you have no right to be offended when I will not accept handouts from you in a meeting immediately after we've both visited the restroom. And, really, why do you want to drink your beverage after failing that?

***

As far as stories go:

Lesson learned by someone a row over from me in the cubicle farm almost two years ago... YOU may think farting at your desk to irritate your neighbors is funny. But it's best to quit while you're ahead. If you want to persist and the gas isn't flowing of its own accord, well, forcing it is going to change the dynamic completely. And then you have to scoot your chair into the restroom and figure out how to get home. With mudbutt.

Posted by: lubeg at July 16, 2010 2:16 PM