Here's an Important PSA Highlighting the Differences Between Porn Sex, Real Sex, and Food Porn. Or Something

By Dustin Rowles | Videos | July 30, 2013 | Comments ()


Screen Shot 2013-07-30 at 10.02.56 AM.png

Have you ever wondered if real-life people were, in fact, more like porn stars behind closed doors? Maybe it’s just your relationship that involved less hair, less bondage, shorter periods of intercourse, and fewer orgasms!

Well, now you can put your mind at ease. Your neighbors aren’t like porn stars, or at least most of them aren’t. This video illustrates, using food and statistics, how real-life sex and porn sex are totally different.

You’re not inadequate! You’re average! Now, don’t you feel better about your unfulfilling sex lives? Also, a lot hungrier than you were two minutes ago?



Are you following Pajiba on Facebook or Twitter? Because every time you do an angel does the Paul Rudd dance

Around the Web


Lack of Money, the Root of All Evil: Cheap Thrills Trailer | The Station Agents Ep. 29: Sh*t Talking "Doctor Who" Edition





Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • e jerry powell

    "Gay life is porn. What you see up on that screen are the community
    standards. Nobody’s being exploited. These are f*gg*ts, people!”

    -- Buddy Cole

  • VohaulsRevenge

    "Three minutes--that all I can give you! That's all I got! That's one heavyweight round..."

    R.I.P., Bernie Mac.

  • AgLexington

    Great... now I'm h0rny AND hungry.

  • You say food porn, but I do not think it means what you think it means.

    I've just regained consciousness - apparently I emptied my fridge into the tub and had a bit of an experience, shall we say. The only thing for certain is that I've met my daily recommended servings of fruits and vegetables.

  • L.O.V.E.

    Scissor Celery!

  • Maguita NYC

    Sudden silence and no more comments.

    Everyone is after-glowing and/or out for a cigarette.

  • koko temur

    no reason to post anything else today, overlords, we are just going to stay here anyway.

    Related:

  • Maguita NYC

    NOOOOO. UNSEE. UNSEE. UNSEE.

    He looks exactly like my uncle George in his European Speedo. Ew.

  • emmalita

    I sometimes wonder if the overlords are running social experiments - let's see how many comments we get on a post about racism, now sex, now world hunger, now sex....

  • Maguita NYC

    I believe they had no real subjects to cover on a slow Tuesday, and knowing the perverted population of Pajiba, they opted for this.

    Anywhere else, a post like that would get 2-3 comments max.
    And someone talking about Jesus.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Hey, so I'm glad you brought that up, because I'd like to talk to you about Jesus....

    He has a great restaurant just down the street, and makes the best enchiladas I've ever had.

  • emmalita

    I know for a fact he works at my local Whole Foods. They often have a sign out that says "ask Jesus about our new items."

  • Maguita NYC

    I need to see a picture of that!!

  • Maguita NYC

    Jesus had the most magnificent abs ever.

  • foolsage

    "He could've played guitar better than Hendrix.
    He could've told the future.
    He could've baked the most delicious cake in the world.
    He could've scored more goals than Wayne Gretzky.
    He could've danced better than Barishnikov.
    Jesus could have been funnier than any comedian you can think of.
    Jesus was way cool." - King Missile

  • emmalita

    That is LITERALLY my favorite picture of Sean Connery. I hope to never see another man wearing a diaper with a bandolero and thigh-highs.

  • koko temur

    this is my favorite Connery picture and second favorite in overall category. this is the first. it completes me.

  • Maguita NYC

    Splash of cold water is exactly what my face needed in this instance. Thanks. I feel calmer now.

  • koko temur

    speak for yourself, wifey!
    hey, speaking of wifes, where is lowercase ryan??

  • L.O.V.E.

    He was just sitting there a minute ago, and then all of a sudden he had an urgent need to go to the Farmer's Market. Hmmm.

  • Maguita NYC

    No need to. He knows I bring the cupcakes.

  • lowercase_ryan

    TRUTH!

  • Maguita NYC

    He likes to watch. And he's a fiancé.

  • lowercase_ryan

    also: .COM!

  • Maguita NYC

    Just one? For such a long thread...

  • lowercase_ryan

    I didn't want to brag.

  • Maguita NYC

    What else can you do on such a sneaky thread?

  • lowercase_ryan

    fair point.

    .COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

  • lowercase_ryan

    truth and truth

  • Maguita NYC

    Too late. 4 Amazing seasons of those just went by.

  • emmalita

    That is not a diaper and thigh-highs.

  • Maguita NYC

    They are always wearing thigh highs. Always. And is this better?

  • emmalita

    Ok, that's a diaper, but it isn't held up by suspenders clips with the suspender's doubling as ammo storage. He's got that distracting man-corsage happening on his shoulder. It balances the attention from his groin area.

  • koko temur

    i always thought of it as an eagle (on his shoulder)

  • emmalita

    It looks like layers of leather to me.

  • Maguita NYC

    Woman, I AM WOMAN, I never should work this hard for sex. Go look for it yourself.

  • Kala

    I'm afraid that this is insufficient. You will have to present us with more compelling evidence.

    *Leers*

  • Maguita NYC

    This reminds me of the first time I accidently watched Debbie Does Dallas.

    I could not believe that people did this.

  • L.O.V.E.

    The "first" time you "accidentally" watch Debbie Does Dallas?

    And how many times have you accidentally watched it since?

  • Maguita NYC

    The first time I was 14 and we got caught... after only the first 13 minutes.

    Then of course, I had to confirm later on what I tried to watch.... So 1.0769 times.

  • ,

    By coincidence, we just watched "Killer Joe" last night.

    Porn sex: Chicken leg.

    Real sex: Chicken wing drumstick.

  • emmalita

    AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! There are dirty things happening and I can't watch the video because I have small children hanging about!!!!

  • Maguita NYC

    Actually, the video CAN be watched around children... But sound off.

    Because there WILL BE QUESTIONS.
    ...
    Actually... I have one or two.

  • emmalita

    After watching it with the sound off I have questions too. Is the lemon squirting? What's happening with the onion and the carrot? We will talk later.

  • Maguita NYC

    IN DETAIL.

  • mairimba

    This post makes me miss Dr. P's posts.

  • Guest

    ..

  • ZizoAH

    NOW WE NEED TO DO THE SAME STATISTICS FOR PAJIBA. I would love to know what is the average length.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Oooooooh. SurveyMonkey's free account can handle up to 100 responses. Get on it, Pajiba pollers!

    speaking of poles...the ones I've encountered have been between 6-7", which does the trick just fine for me.

  • koko temur

    Best sex I ever had was with guys with bellow average penises. They just work harder, improvise. See, Pajimen? hope for you all.

  • ,

    I'm rather modest but Mrs. , (who is about 5-foot-1) says I'm bangin' bottom, and any more would be uncomfortable, so it (obviously) depends on the woman's depth too. Some couples, like us, seem to fit together perfectly.

    Hope for everybody!

  • Sara_Tonin00

    The Kama Sutra had it right: elephant men for elephant or cow women, etc.

    Oh, Kama Sutra. You can be so flattering sometimes.

  • koko temur

    dude, i dont mean to be mean, buuuuut i told this lie so many times

  • ,

    What if I can feel myself hitting bottom?

    I just realized the alternative interpretations there ...

  • AnnaKendrick'sLoveMuffin

    Fortunately, I am fat, ugly, poor, and nice to women; I don't ever to worry about any of this sex stuff...

  • mairimba

    You mean that 65% of women and 85% of men are sporting the singing bush down there? GROSS!

  • NateMan

    While I prefer things smooth, I'm fine with it furry. But I'm much better at heading down below if I've got a clean work area. There's just more room to maneuver, and you get a better seal.

    My own euphemisms are reminding me I need to do some home improvement.

  • koko temur

    better.. seal?

  • NynjaSquirrel

    reminds me of the penguin who drops his car off for repairs on a hot day and goes for a cold treat. He comes back and the mechanic says 'looks like you've blown a seal'. No, says the penguin, it's just ice-cream.

  • NateMan

    Well yeah. If you're going to apply a little oral suction you can't have all that hair in the way. Breaks the seal.

  • koko temur

    i googled "bondage seal"

  • NateMan

    I really hope you're not at work. Also, I hope your search returned a seal in a gimp suit. Mine didn't.

  • koko temur

    yep

  • NateMan

    Aw, that one I found, but it just made me sad.

  • emmalita

    I can only imagine. Last week I Yahoo searched for moist lioness and, and.....I'd rather not speak of it. But no large felines were involved.

  • NynjaSquirrel

    can I ask what prompted a need to search for 'moist lioness', my mind is running circles...

  • emmalita

    Mrs. Julien was posting pictures of lionesses in water or shaking water off them on Facebook. She used Google, I used Yahoo.

  • Mrs. Julien

    ...

  • Maguita NYC

    EXCELLENT! Now that's how you blind, and bind, your man with moist lions.

  • emmalita

    And that's your banner photo for this week's EE!

  • Maguita NYC

    Yesterday I was searching for happy banana... And this was the most decent thing I found.

  • L.O.V.E.

    My banana is ALL class.

  • NynjaSquirrel

    Could be worse I suppose, could be a burning bush.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    But that could also include a tastefully trimmed topiary. For example, mine is pruned into an absolutely charming hedgehog. Next week, the mighty Sharknado.

  • Maguita NYC

    The way you're heading, next it'll be trimmed like a drunken Tara Reid stumbling along one Ian Ziering.

  • mairimba

    No more than flat plains is acceptable.

    I'm guessing this is what you look like on a fun week.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    That was last month. Really, when my pruning talents are combined with my mastery of penis puppetry, it's a pretty entertaining show.

  • Maguita NYC

    So you need strings attached?

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    No. That's why I'm a mastur.

  • Patty O'Green

    "No more than flat plains is acceptable"? Sheesh...

  • Berry

    I concur. Although my reaction was more along the lines of "oh, for the love of god..." and an eye-roll.

  • emmalita

    My brain is whirling, sort of like a sharknado, at the thought of hedgehog shaped nether topiary.

  • BiblioGlow

    I now really want this sentence to become the Pajiba header motto. There can be no more perfect introduction to the comment section of this site.

  • NynjaSquirrel

    basking, or great white?

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Whale.

  • BlackRabbit

    I go the hammerhead route. It makes for good pillow talk.

  • NateMan

    So glad I've chosen to sleep with the right people in my life. It's more fun when you're willing to try new things!

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    I just realized that I am a very, VERY, lucky man. And also not too bad at the old in out in out.

  • anne

    You *just* realized? Dude.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    I'm a little fucking slow, okay! My definition of average or normal is just different. For example, lighting people on fire who cause me distress is Wednesday.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Have you tried Thursdays?

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    You mean Seethday?

  • And considering that the Pajiba audience tends to be above average in so many other areas...

    Helloooo, everybody.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I find the 40% of women who've tried anal way more surprising than the 40% who've tried light bondage.

  • NateMan

    Bondage comes with its own set of... What's the word? Fears? Concerns? Phobias? I don't know. Not to mention in casual relationships it sort of limits one player's ability to get away, or to feel as though they can stop when they want to. I am surprised it's not higher, thanks to the stupid fascination with 50 Shades. But it's also what people were willing to admit to.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Still, I feel like it is not a greater leap to trust someone with tying you up a little than with being gentle while he reams your ass. Among my circle of 30something year old female friends, the bondage is much less a topic of anxiousness than the latter.

  • ,

    Two words:

    "Gerald's Game"

  • Kala

    That book SCARRED me. Not only is that one of the more hellish scenarios, but the addition of the creepy dude appearing closer to the bed (AND THE BACKSEAT OF THE CAR, OH GOD!!), I just...

    Thanks for the nightmare food. Now I have to watch something cute to wash the taste of terror from my brain.

  • NynjaSquirrel

    It's probably a lot easier to 'accidentally' try anal than it is to accidentally produce a length of rope and a fisherman's guide to knots.

  • L.O.V.E.

    yes, keep telling your wife it was an "accident", then watch her accidentally squeeze your grapes until they turn purple, then green, then back to purple.

blog comments powered by Disqus





Follow Us



Related Posts




Viral Hits
Celebrity Facts

The Best TV & Movie Quotes

The Walking Dead

How I Met Your Mother

True Detective

Parks and Recreation

Cosmos

Hannibal

30 Practical Tips About the Horrors of Raising Children

25 Practical Tips About the Horrors of Raising Twins