13 Hours.jpg

'13 Hours' Trailer: Michael Bay and John Krasinski's (?!) Benghazi War Porn

By Emily Chambers | Videos | July 29, 2015 | Comments ()

By Emily Chambers | Videos | July 29, 2015 |


13 Hours.jpg

I’m not usually a betting woman, but I’d be willing to wager a large sum of money that Michael Bay’s erection was a full threat level-midnight at the :50 mark. A tanned, bearded white guy holding a gun says he’s willing to die for his country?

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(No, Michael, your penis is not that long.)

It’s easy to make fun of Michael Bay and his ‘splosions laden films, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t necessary. For instance, the trailer for his new film America: Fuck Yeah!
Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi.

Ugh. Good lord, Michael. If this movie is based on a true story ( adapted from Mitchell Zuckoff’s recently released book), why did you reduce it to a bad Braveheart knock-off wrapped up in an episode of The A-Team?

“None of you have to go. But we are the only hope you have.”

“You’re not giving orders anymore. You’re in my world now.”

“You have 36 American lives to save.”

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There are just some many bad things that need to be questioned here. Regular soldiers are played out, so now we need to focus our war porn on “secret soldiers”? Why is it that the CIA is employing ex-military instead of regular military? What were the procedural break- downs that lead to the ambassador’s death if his home was a “safe haven”? Why hasn’t John Krasinski been rocking that beard for years? Only three American flags in this trailer, Michael? Three?!

I guess on the plus side, Bay is doing the country a service by making sure Chiseled- Americans received their fair representation in American films. Keep doing the lord’s work, Michael.



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