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July 30, 2007 |

By Stacey Nosek | TV | July 30, 2007 |

Before it moved to VH1 and became a vehicle for reality show losers and swimsuit models you’ve never heard of, “The Surreal Life” premiered on the old WB network and featured bona fide washed-up celebrities. If you were one of the those fortunate enough to have caught it, you know that the beauty of that first season came in the form of Corey Feldman: the smug, preening, shit-stirring little bitch who routinely broke down in tears with every episode. I’m not making this up — he once even cried after being teased for taking a long dump. Although at times I had to restrain myself from reaching through the TV set and throttling him myself, watching Feldman interact with the other relatively sane cast members (including Gabrielle Carteris, Vince Neil and MC Hammer) was entertaining as hell and damn good television.

“The Two Coreys” on the other hand? By reuniting Feldman with his 80’s staple co-star Corey Haim, this show has childhood memory violation ambitions that the likes of “The Surreal Life” never dreamed possible. No doubt you’ll fondly remember the pair from campy favorites such as License To Drive, Dream a Little Dream and, most notably, The Lost Boys. If you value these films as legitimate parts of your childhood, I advise you to stay as far, far away from “The Two Coreys” as possible. The manufactured reality show premise is the usual fare you’d expect from this sort of endeavor: Haim, who appears to have spent the better part of the last two decades in a habitual state of drug-fueled arrested development, moves in with the comparatively well adjusted Feldman and wife Susie to “jumpstart” his career. Sadly, despite the fact that “The Two Coreys” is obviously completely staged and rehearsed — seriously, this crap makes Chachi’s new show look like fucking “Intervention” — it’s painfully obvious from the get go that this show will compose the entirety of the Haim’s comeback.

In the premiere episode, we’re given the usual history lesson and backstory as Haim makes his way into the house: 1987, Lost Boys price of fame, blee blee blah. Susie, who I might add is inexplicably out of Feldman’s league (I know, he’s a “celebrity” and all, but still — damn) appears rather displeased with the Haimster’s presence in her home, staged premise notwithstanding. Can you blame the poor woman, though? As if dealing with one Corey on a daily basis isn’t bad enough. Sheesh! The Haim immediately reveals himself to be an obnoxious and ungracious houseguest, incapable of even remotely conducting himself in an adult manner. In the first five minutes of the show he knocks a framed Lost Boys poster off the wall, insults Susie’s vegetarian cooking by comparing it to sawdust, smokes indoors and tracks mud through the house.

Feldman, Susie and Susie’s ginormous fake knockers (hope she used an animal-friendly boob-fillant!) are animal-rights activists, and have arranged a dinner meeting with the campaign director for PETA. Since this meeting is so crucial and important, naturally it happens to be taking place while a boorish man-child and camera crew are residing at the couple’s home. Naturally! Despite warnings not to antagonize them in front of this Very Important Person, Haim once again compares the food to sawdust like a freaking toddler who has learned a new word, and then orders a pepperoni pizza which just happens to be delivered during dinner. Whoopsie! In spite of mocking her life’s work, Haim takes no issue with hitting on the relatively pretty PETA director, attempting to lure her into the hot tub. Needless to say, this makes Susie upset, and she proceeds to break down in tears. No — you know what? I take back what I said before — I know exactly why she and Feldman are a couple. Gah!

Moving on — the issues of the first episode are resolved (I think?) and we roll on into the second half of the hour. Haim explains that one of the reasons he’s in town is to promote the 20 year anniversary of Lost Boys. He’s very excited about this, and assumes that this signals the “next chapter in his career.” Well at least he’s not setting himself up for a fall or anything, right? Tensions run high when Susie McBoobs scores a photoshoot with Stuff magazine, causing a time conflict with a spot on a radio show on which the Coreys are scheduled to appear. Feldman, for some strange reason, seems generally disinterested in promoting a movie that happened 20 years ago and this lackluster attitude agitates Haim. This dispute comes to a head when Jealous Janie accuses McBoobs for coming in between their friendship, declaring — I shit you not — “She’s not part of the Coreys, and she never will be!”

The following day, the pair — with McBoobs in tow — attend a Lost Boys screening and Q&A session, joined by costar Jamison Newlander. (What, no Kiefer?) The whole time Haim prattles on and on about how they should write a Lost Boys sequel, and it’s just painful to watch. He does know this show is all staged, right? Did somebody forget to give him that memo? At any rate, Jamison and Haim go out for drinks following the event, sans Feldman — thus incensing Haim even further, bitching that Feldman needs to “cut the umbilical cord.” Uhh, does he even know what an umbilical cord is? No, forget I asked.

Finally, we get to the part we all know is coming — Feldman sitting Haim down and explaining to him that there is going to be a Lost Boys sequel, and no Haimster, you’re not invited. And I love how Feldman snidely manages to throw in that they did ask him for a cameo, but he reverently declined. There’s the old Feld we all know and love! Haim cries, and I’m just blown away at this point that Feldman is the only one of these morons who has yet to shed a tear so far. A dejected Haim goes out for a walk with his tail between his legs and returns home with a belated wedding gift for the Feldmans. I don’t know why, exactly, since he spent the entire episode bitching about their marriage ruining his friendship — but whatever. Really, this show makes very little sense.

So I guess there’s a whole season of choreographed plots and scripted studio interviews left to be fleshed out here, but for my money I’ve seen all that I could ever possibly need to in the first two episodes. Even taking into account my unyielding love for the trainwreck genre, watching these chuckleheads interact like a couple of bitchy nine-year-old girls is beyond even my reasonable limits of tolerance. And that’s really saying something.

Stacey Nosek is a television columnist for Pajiba, and lives in a quaint little town in rural Pennsylvania. You can also visit her blog, Litelysalted.

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"The Two Coreys" / Stacey Nosek

TV | July 30, 2007 |

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