web counter
 

There's No Crying in Football

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under TV Reviews | Comments (18)

to-crying1.jpg

What a goddamn cesspool of vapidity. If you didn’t hate Terrell Owens before VH1’s “T.O.”, it’s only because you didn’t know who he was. You’d be wise to keep it that way. And if you do know who he is, the first hour of his reality show only confirms what everyone already knew: Owens is a deeply insecure narcissist who is more pathetic than he is loathsome. His only friends seem to consists of two female publicists who are paid to hang out with him, and a tubby lay-about whose sole occupation seems to consist of being T.O.’s TV watching wingman (and who may or may not be his paid bodyguard).

There’s not enough substance in the show to provide a proper review. There’s really nothing going on. It picks up in the hours after the Dallas Cowboys cut T.O. He’s depressed, despondent, and possibly spent a great deal of time weeping. So he calls his publicist to cheer him up. Two days later, he’s a Buffalo Bill and his chatty, busy-body, camera-hungry publicists have convinced him to move to L.A. for a couple of months to figure out what Owens is going to do in his post-football career and to find him a wife.

Basically, that endeavor consists of Owens going to clubs; Owens going shopping; Owens eyeballing ladies; Owens quibbling with his passive-aggressive publicists; Owens enjoying a nice quite evening at home with a real-estate agent he’s trying to bed; and Owens attempting to reconcile with an ex-girlfriend while wearing a man purse. You can track the entire show on fast forward — nobody ever says anything funny, interesting, or worthwhile. The only person on the show that doesn’t make you want to take an ice-pick to your eardrums is T.O.’s ex, who is far smarter, more sophisticated, and more poised than Owens (and probably drops fewer passes).

It’s a filler show. An hour of B-roll material spliced together with snippets of people being paid to prop up T.O.’s fractured ego. You don’t get much of an idea who the man is, although I’m not sure how many people really want to know. It’s really less obnoxious than it is relentlessly dull, a show that appeals to neither football fans or reality-show enthusiasts.









Each Time You Like, Share, Tweet or Stumble a Pajiba Post, An Angel Does the Paul Rudd Dance

← I Can Do Bad All By Myself Trailer | Super-Size Me Graphic Novel →









Comments

One of the best times in my life?
"...the hours after the Dallas Cowboys cut T.O. He’s depressed, despondent, and possibly likely spent a great deal of time weeping."

Upstate N.Y.?

Our gift to you... one Terrell Owens. Enjoy!

Sincerely,
Fans of The Dallas Cowboys

Posted by: Spender at July 22, 2009 6:05 PM

While I pretty much can't stand the dude, his childhood was pretty messed up. He basically grew up living across the street from his father and no one ever told him until he was a teenager. That kind of intentional mind fucking by your entire family can't help but cause some real emotional problems.

Posted by: Diablo at July 22, 2009 6:15 PM

Hey, goddammit. Philadelphia hated him first. Don't get between an Eagles fan and his hate. Goddamn Dallas johnny-come-latelies.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at July 22, 2009 6:19 PM

I'm tempted to post something snarky to the effect that I'm amazed that a reality show following an NFL player around would be a waste of time, but hell, maybe someone out there was on the bubble about this one and needed the data.

Posted by: laredo at July 22, 2009 6:27 PM

I just heard a few hours ago that Shaq is going to have a show.

And that Roethlisberger is up on rape charges.

Posted by: Deistbrawler at July 22, 2009 6:44 PM

Shaq's show will actually have him competing against other athletes in their own sport. Roethlischeezeburger was supposed to be one of them, I guess we'll see how the investigation goes.

Posted by: admin at July 22, 2009 7:14 PM

Hey, goddammit. Philadelphia hated him first. Don't get between an Eagles fan and his hate. Goddamn Dallas johnny-come-latelies.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at July 22, 2009 6:19 PM

Likely the only sports-related item we have in common Tracer. I can see why Iggles fans could hate him more but... MAN, was I glad to see his skank ass shipped outta Dallas. My only regret is that he didn't go to the Giants, so that our respective teams could each tee off on him twice a year.

Posted by: Spender at July 22, 2009 7:22 PM

Hey, goddammit. Philadelphia hated him first. Don't get between an Eagles fan and his hate. Goddamn Dallas johnny-come-latelies.

I beg to differ. You may hate him more, but I've hated him since he stood on the star as an eagle. I also had the distinct pleasure of hating him while forcibly having to root for the bastard while he was playing for our team. And had to endure all of the shit philly-fan at work returned to me since the trade happened. I think he must have memorized everything I ever said about TO when he was an eagle. Why the fuck jerry jones thought that was a good idea I will never know.


Posted by: LwoodPDowd at July 22, 2009 7:50 PM

There was ONE thing I did find incredibly entertaining about T.O.: his relentless man-love for Tony Romo rivalled (nay, surpassed) Jessica Simpson's TMI.

Posted by: bonnie at July 22, 2009 7:55 PM

Bag of dicks, allow me to introduce you to TO's raging appetite. None of you will survive. Sorry about that.

Posted by: Seth at July 22, 2009 8:00 PM

Cowboys fan here as well.

Good point about the star. The guy was a 49er, for goodness sake. Of course the Cowboys fans had plenty of dislike for T.O. long before he became an Eagle.

I expected the first thing T.O. to do as a Cowboy at a home game would be to go to the middle of the field and kiss the star as an apology or do something equally respectful that would fall in line with his sometimes entertaining on-field theatrics. When he failed to do that, I didn't think it boded well, and I was never in favor of acquiring him in the first place.

I don't think the Cowboys are in good shape this season, but I also can't say I regret ditching him in the least. I did have fun cheering for him on occasion once we had him in spite of it all, but I think his tenure with the Cowboys can only be rated as a disappointing failure. Of course, I wouldn't put nearly all the blame with T.O. for that, but it was time to move on. Too much of his NFL career has pointed toward a virus in the locker room to want him around.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at July 22, 2009 8:01 PM

Why no "Pacman Jones Show"? At least there would be strippers. Lots and lots and LOTS of strippers.

And guns.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at July 22, 2009 11:10 PM

Uh, excuse me you two, but T.O. fucked up the Niners long before he got to Philly or Dallas. The man has slashed and burned three teams so far. You guys have short memories....

Jeff Garcia, a hardworking, no-nonsense, bona-fide LEADER of a QB didn't throw him the ball enough, and so T.O. called him a faggot.

I'd like to ship his ass to Tom Brady...

Posted by: bluesilver at July 23, 2009 9:13 AM

HATE. Hate hate hate. Hate.

Posted by: Julie at July 23, 2009 11:10 AM

Can't wait for the season to start.

/disgruntled Bills fan peering over the edge of the abyss.

Posted by: Blackcapricorn at July 23, 2009 11:28 AM

I've seen this whole season and actually, the premiere episode is by far the weak link in the series, so it sucks that the review is based off of that episode because I actually really like the show. I'm usually a lurker and I'm kind of surprised that this "meh" review prompted me to respond, since I couldn't care less about TO. I don't hate him the way everyone else seems to, nor do I have any real fondness for him. That said, this show actually was pretty good! Seriously! He's much funnier than you would expect, and pretty candid about being cut and how rejected he feels and how he gets used to Buffalo. Dustin, you pointed this out as well, but only companions are his bodyguard, his publicists, and his agent (who makes several appearances) you get the full picture of someone who has no friends except those who are paid to spend time with him. And actually, I think his publicists are pretty funny (but maybe that doesn't come out in the first ep; I can't remember). Anyway, just thought this review didn't really do the show justice.

Posted by: J at July 23, 2009 1:05 PM

I've seen this whole season and actually, the premiere episode is by far the weak link in the series, so it sucks that the review is based off of that episode because I actually really like the show. I'm usually a lurker and I'm kind of surprised that this "meh" review prompted me to respond, since I couldn't care less about TO. I don't hate him the way everyone else seems to, nor do I have any real fondness for him. That said, this show actually was pretty good! Seriously! He's much funnier than you would expect, and pretty candid about being cut and how rejected he feels and how he gets used to Buffalo. Dustin, you pointed this out as well, but only companions are his bodyguard, his publicists, and his agent (who makes several appearances) you get the full picture of someone who has no friends except those who are paid to spend time with him. And actually, I think his publicists are pretty funny (but maybe that doesn't come out in the first ep; I can't remember). Anyway, just thought this review didn't really do the show justice.

I agree 100% with this comment!! I think you jumped the gun with your review!!! This show does have a bit of substance. Watch the episode where he goes back home. And then tell me its crap and has no substance!!! That is more real than 99% of anything out there!!! And i like the fact that he knows there is a TO and a Terrell. You don't find many athletes admitting that!!

Posted by: Roger at August 5, 2009 2:08 PM

Yeah, I don't get why people hate him so much. (Patriots fan here by the way). Yeah, he has a big ego, but he also has no friends and his family life was f'd up. The show is interesting, I like it so far, and I don't really watch much TV. It's interesting because you get to peek into the life of a pro athlete. You could say it's all an act to boost his image, but he's shed a few tears on camera, and that was acting, he should get an Oscar.

I think he's actually pretty funny, and the show has it's entertaining moments. I wouldn't mind living his life either. It's kind of motivational in that sense.

Anyway, too many haters out there. Just goes to show how accomplished he is. There's a saying that goes something like .. "Behind every successful person is a bunch of haters"

Posted by: H at August 9, 2009 4:43 AM