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The Good Wife, Ambassador Sexypants Edition

By Lord Castleton | TV | November 6, 2015 | Comments ()

By Lord Castleton | TV | November 6, 2015 |


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We opened up The Good Wife this week worried about this person, who was a classmate of Cush Jumbo’s (played by fictitious attorney Lucca Quinn):

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Here’s the basic pitch:

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BLONDE: I paid my student loan, but they won’t stop attacking me!

HANDSOME JASON: No, you didn’t. Did your payment address change recently?

BLONDE: Yes, um, it did. I sent it to: SCAMS INTERNATIONAL, ℅ MORONS INCORPORATED, SIOUX FALLS, MI.

HANDSOME JASON: Hmmm. That sounds suspicious.

So the episode began with a sweet girl having fallen victim to the oldest scam in the book: the ol’ leave-a-fake-address-on-their-cell trick. It’s not like that would seem fishy to someone, especially when they aren’t just sending a monthly payment but a FULL PAYMENT for the entire outstanding balance.

That’s really the hidden miracle in this episode. That a scammer, who will ultimately meet and witness that he has pretty much the worst hair in the modern television era, could be so connected to his victims that he would feel —sense, if you will — when they’re about to move away from the generic monthly payments most students who work two full time jobs do, and leave a message right at the exact time when that student decides to just bust out her whole life savings. I know some of us want to just bask in Eli’s rage or watch Alicia swirl down the emotional cesspool drain or hope we get a tiny, life-affirming visit from Gary Cole…

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…but you have to smell the roses along the way, people, and this scammer hit the scam jackpot.

Blondie doesn’t even know she was scammed.

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Of course, it took Handsome Jason all of, I’m not exaggerating, nine seconds to figure all of this out. Alicia and Cush were still actually listening to what the problem was and Handsome Jason was already on the phone with the debt manager, knew about the guy’s priors in California and his social security number. I’m not going to go so far as to suggest that he’d also had sex with the debt manager’s wife by that time, but he had been on the phone with her briefly, and I can imagine that she experienced at least a sudden momentary flushing where she had to take a seat and fan her face a bit.

So, it turns out that Blondie didn’t actually pay off her debt. She sent her debt to a scammer and he’s somewhere in Michigan.

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That seems really far away for most of us. For Handsome Jason he can be there, stake out a drop off location…

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…trail the scammer…

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confront the scammer with a tire iron…

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HI I’M JASON CRAUSE. I LITERALLY SMILE AT EVERYONE AND SHIT GETS DONE.

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NO, DON’T LOOK AT ME. I KNOW THAT’S HARD. LOOK AT WHAT’S IN MY HAND. IT’S A TOOL USED PRIMARILY FOR CHANGING TIRES BUT I FUCK PEOPLE UP WITH IT. GODDAMN THAT’S BAD HAIR.

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and be back with ALL OF BLONDIE’S MONEY IN CASH before Alicia can even whisper ‘fellatio’ to herself.

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Too often we malign beautiful people for getting ahead on their looks, but we draw the line at Handsome Jason, folks. He’s like the bearded Olivia Pope. He accomplished more in this episode than I did in four years as an undergraduate. Did he break a few laws? PFFFFFFFFF. Laws schmaws. It’s not like this show gives a shit about them. Handsome Jason knows how to hunt down people with bad hair, he knows how to read books in hallways, he is interchangeably gorgeous with or without glasses and he’s never ever sick at sea.

Also, Alicia is basically like “let’s bone down” but we’ll get to that later.

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Okay so, the big moment of this season that may go unnoticed is from office manager / CFO Grace Florrick. Her words are chosen very carefully. She more or less decries the woeful middle class payscales and how difficult it is to afford an apartment like the one Alicia has. An apartment, I’ll admit, I couldn’t afford if it was in Poughkipsie. I have owned houses in my life and I have flipped them and if you added all of them up and maxxed out the value of them I still couldn’t afford Zach’s bedroom. So Grace’s laments are timely. And she asks Alicia if they can do things on contingency and Alicia is like no, the rules are pretty strict and the trickle of piss-laden cases we get here are from people who are broke so we want the money up front and so we need to take small cases.

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And Grace, who has, in the past, been as tiresome to watch as Dana Brody on Homeland but has been reinvigorated and is now like a hybrid Mata Hari / Mary Tyler Moore is like:

CAN WE TURN THE LITTLE CASES INTO BIG CASES?

And Saint Alicia, people’s champion is like NO. I don’t know how. WAIT A SEC-

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Then she and Cush Jumbo are like:

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HI BLONDIE, YOU LOST YOUR MONEY AND THAT’S ON YOU BUT LETS SUE THE SHIT OUT OF THE FOR-PROFIT ADVANCED EDUCATION CONSORTIUM THAT KINDA SORTA PROMISED YOU A BETTER LIFE and Blondie is like I don’t know…and they’re like…TRUST US BECAUSE LAWYERS.

Here’s a graph I’ll post now without comment.

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So they go to meet the head of the shitty learning place which is called COLISEUM. I’m guessing it’s an approximation of someplace real but I don’t know what that might be because I’m a snob with a degree in basically nothing, but from a reputable liberal arts learning place which has landed me an amazing internet job covering The Good Wife on a weekly basis. I really wouldn’t know about disappointment.

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Anyway, this mustachioed dildo is the boss man of said outfit and so we as a viewer immediately forgive the shameless Cush Jumbo money grab because anyone that looks like this is either a Nazi sympathizer, a railroad executive, the owner of a big game hunting outfit, a soldier of fortune from 1967 or a high school football coach who walks slowly pasts the boy’s showers toss-catching a whistle and purportedly “making sure everything is alright.”

Alicia is like YOU PROMISED SHIT AND DIDN’T DELIVER. THAT’S WHY WE’RE HERE. IN THE NAME OF FAIRNESS AND NOT BECAUSE GRACE SAID WE NEED SOME CASH.

Railroad Nazi is like MEET MY LAWYER

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This is Christian Borle, folks. 2015 Tony Award Winner Christian Borle. Many of you will know him from Smash. The fact that he’s in this episode is like having a Lear Jet land at a shitty local airport. It’s like if you’re working at a 7/11 and someone is like “hey buddy, how old is that hot dog” and you look up and it’s Bruce Springsteen. Christian Borle has more talent leave his body over the course of on standard length urination session than most of us are ever gifted with. I’m talking about musical theater here, everyone. I’m talking about Something Rotten. Here’s a clip of Christian Borle playing ‘The Bard’, Shakespeare himself. It’s so so so good and take this as a reminder that we all need more actual theater in our lives and we should all strive to get to a play or a musical or the opera once a year. That’s not much. It’s expensive, I know, but it fills the world with magic and blows the minds of children and makes us all better people.

Anyway, Tony Award Winner Christian Borle is like ALICIA HI I’M TONY AWARD WINNER CHRISTIAN BORLE AND I LOOK LIKE A MAN WITH A PRETTY HIGH END BEARD TRIMMER BUT I LAWYER LIKE A FUCKING JUNKYARD DOG.

Then it’s just like 40 minutes of lawyering one-upsmanship that I’m pretty sure never happens in any court (correct me if I’m wrong, lawyers who watch The Good Wife) and finally, Alicia and Cush Jumbo listen to Eli and they launch a debt strike where eleven former students of the learning place all collectively refuse to send full-payout checks to this guy.

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Where did Eli come from? He was in Alicia’s house again. I’m telling you: there’s a magical portal in his tiny office. It also explains how Peter could zip back and forth from hanging out with Alicia and meanwhile be somehow with Ramona minutes before. Remember Ramona?

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MMmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Danish beauty Connie Nielsen. Survey saaaaaays………………..gorgeous!

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Ramona who again? Says Alicia.

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You know, Ramona? Ramona Ramona?

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OH THAT RAMONA!

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AHAHAHA. AAAAAHHHHHhhhhhhh. Good times.

That’s not good for Peter Florrick. Well, the memory of Ramona isn’t, but the debt strike is worse. Because Ruth has devised an anti-union strategy where she gets both yelled at and hugged by Peter, who is looking like he could beat Hillary in the polls.

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Could he? I don’t know. Have you seen the dudes on the Democratic ticket?

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More charisma leaves Peter Florrick’s urethra in a standard peeing session than you can see on that dias (except you, Bernie). In any case, it presents a problem for Ruth, who locks Eli in his office and gasses him with toxic fumes until he has to stack shit on his desk just to breathe through a ventilation grate.

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His charming daughter Marissa shows up out of nowhere and she’s like DAD YOU’RE PATHETIC and he’s like SHUT THE FUCK UP MARISSA.

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Marissa convinces Alicia to fire Eli so that he can help some dude run for the Knesset. Anyone know what that is? It’s the Israeli Parliament. If you knew that you get a round of applause and some words of wisdom from Golda Meir.

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Speaking of humble, everyone at Lockart Agos Lee is being taken behind the woodshed by Howard Lyman, who is adamaent to reverse the environment of dinosaur hunting at the firm. So all the attorneys (except David Lee, for some reason) end up enduring a cleansing ritual where they attempt to look like an aryan Elvis Costello after a boxing match.

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The fruitcake spirit cleanser is like SHOVE THIS CHLOROFORM-DIPPED COTTON BALL IN YOUR NOSE, PUT ON THESE 3D GLASSES AND GO TO BEST BUY AND ASK THEM TECHNICAL QUESTIONS ABOUT 3D TVS AND LISTEN TO THEM HAVING NO IDEA ABOUT ANYTHING AND ALSO POUR PUNJI STICKS IN YOUR SHOES AND DRINK NAPALM AND THEN YOU’LL REALLY UNDERSTAND VIETNAM LIKE AN OLD PERSON AND THE WAY LOU CANNING UNDERSTANDS IT.

Maybe it was David Spade who summed it up the best.

Anyway, war is hell, and so is being old.

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Howard Lyman is like I WILL FIGHT NEGATIVE STEREOTYPES ABOUT OLD PEOPLE BY COMPLETELY LOSING MY DIGNITY AND CRYING. Gosh, poor fellah.

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And then Diane is like FUCK NOW WE NEED INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHING TRAINING

Side note: Damn that girl’s arms are thin. That’s like Jack Skellington thin. I ate a pretzel a half hour ago that was girthier than that. Christ! It’s like actresses in America have to suck weight to get a tiny role on a deeply flawed but beloved show just to stand in Howard Lyman’s fart aura. Obviously we know that’s not the case.

In a nutshell, shit at what used to be a kickass firm run by Will Gardner has devolved into like a carnival barker sideshow of preposterous stupidity. And in the midst of that we didn’t even get to see Jackie and Howard dry humping at all. If I don’t get to see Howard and Jackie holding hands naked in two side-by-side Cialis tubs next week then I may not watch anymore.

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Anyway, in the end, Alicia is basically unbeatable whenever she turns Japanese.

Her and Cush win all over the fucking place. Blondie gets her money back. Nazi Railroad goes back to the showers, Tony Award Winner Christian Borle goes back to Broadway (you can get tickets here) and Eli is magically back in Alicia’s house to be like remember when you fired me and I gave you this face?

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Well, now I’m back to tell you I’m not actually fired and give you this face:

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And Alicia is like FINE WHATEVER WHO GIVES A SHIT.

Handsome Jason magically shows up at Alicia’s door while she’s drinking. That’s like Finn McMissile at the bar good timing.

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This is the look she gave his ass earlier as he headed out to find the bad hair dude.

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So you know this shit is ON.

The last line of the episode:

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ALICIA: What do you drink?

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I’m thinking it’s her. That’s what that look says. “I’m gonna drink you.”

And I’m not saying that I looked over at Lady Castleton when this episode was done and was like EH EH? Like MAYBE YOU AND I CAN DRINK AND DO SOME JASON CROUSE STUFF? And I’m not saying that I got shot down like a 1944 Luftwaffe Bomber off the coast of Southwold, but I will say that it was WONDERFUL to have an episode with Jason Crouse in it and not an episode with plastic box trashpeople in it and Judge Dan Skralorski.

I’ll be honest though, after watching things like Fargo and The Knick this show feels tougher and tougher to watch. Any of you guys experiencing that? Like it has no sense of itself and isn’t sure what it wants to be? Anyway, this wasn’t a particularly good episode but you can’t argue with the hotness of JDM. Is it wrong to hope for more than that? Like, when I saw this image from the episode next week (especially cheez-whizzing it up in B&W) I was like “I’m out.”

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Anyone else feeling that way? Like, we need a really good episode to pull us back in? I don’t know.

The Good Wife reminds you to respect the elderly via shoe corn every Sunday at 9pm Eastern, god knows what time Central. Until next week! If we can make it!


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