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July 16, 2007 |

By Seth Freilich | TV | July 16, 2007 |

Last night, VH1 premiered its one-two punch of “Rock of Love” and “Scott Baio is 45 … and Single.” So I’m going to do a two-part real-time review of these resurrected ’80s relics, starting off with Bret Michaels and “Rock of Love.” I dunno if I’ll be giving the show a thumbs up or thumbs down yet, since I haven’t seen the episode, but if I do end up liking it, remember that VH1 re-airs shows all the time, meaning you should have plenty of opportunities this week to catch the episode if you missed it last night.

0:00. The title of this episode is “Don’t Threaten Me With a Good Time.” I surely hope every episode is titled with some bad play on a Poison song title. Seems the obvious choice, right? I can’t wait for the “Look What the Cat Dragged In” and “Unskinny Bop” episodes. Anyway, the show obviously starts off with clips of Poison and already I’m wondering if it would be cheating for me just to pop a Poison DVD in for the next hour and a half, watch some videos and concert footage instead. Sadly, I don’t actually own a Poison DVD. Note to self — hit the Amazon and buy a Poison DVD.

0:01 Bret explains that “rock and roll is the reason for, and destruction of, all of my relationships.” Better yet, Bret shares the secret of love with us all:

When I was 15 years old, I was handed the secret to love. There’s plenty of women out there that you want to be friends with. And there’s a lot of women out there you want to have sex with. But if you can find one that you can be friends and have sex with, henceforth, rock of love.

Why hasn’t he written a book yet? Or has he? Further note to self — hit the Amazon and see if Bret Michaels has “written” a book.

0:02. His daughters’ names are Rain and Georgia. I wonder if they’re already stripping. I mean, when your dad is Bret Michaels and says things like, “And I know, deep in my heart, deep in my soul and deep in my loins that one of these girls will be the one for me,” it’s just a question of when you start stripping, not if you start stripping, no?

0:03. Seriously, I don’t even need to offer any commentary to this show, as Bret’s ridiculous quotes stand on their own. To wit: “Basically, what I’m trying to say is rock ‘n’ roll is an insatiable bitch goddess, but I love her. And I’m just looking for that one woman in my life to participate in that threesome.”

0:03. Now we’re meeting the chicks, who include a “Ms. Hooters of Illinois” and a gal whose favorite song is “Every Thorn Has Its Rose” because it’s a beautiful song with heart and soul and depth. Awesome. [Note to Pajiba editors - I did not mistype the song title, that’s how Ms. Wonderful said it.]

0:04. Okay, I apologize to our feminist readers, but these girls are asking for this by being on this meatmarket show in the first place — these chicks are, almost to the last one of them, butterfaces. I mean, eegads.

0:05. Oh, holy hell. One of them might actually be a tranny. …I’m a little afraid of this show, all of a sudden.

0:06. So Bret’s best friend and head of security, Big John, starts calling out chicks. They’re getting excited to be singled out, but surely they’re getting booted right from the start, right? Considering he calls out five of the worst butterfaces (but not the tranny), they’re surely going home.

0:07. “As you know, backstage access is not always granted. Therefore, I’m afraid to tell you, your tour ends here.” Yup. And Poor Pam is pissed off because she didn’t even get to meet Bret. In fact, she thinks “this is shit.”

0:08. Tiffany feels the same. “This is fucking ridiculous, I can’t freakin’ believe this. I came here to get my man and I intend to. I ain’t going home.” Man, I hope she turns into a groupie stalker, because that would be some rock and roll shit right there.

0:09. So one of the high-voiced dumb blondes tells us: “Kristia and I are standing by the bar and we decide that we should be best friends cause we’re both blonde and, you know, we can bond over that.” Is there a name for when dumb blondes get together? Like, a “herd” of lions, a “pack” of wolves, etc.

0:10. Yup, the ejected stalker butterface is back, knocking on the house’s front door. And…commercial.

0:14. First Poison commercial of the night [shockingly, this would be the only Poison commercial of the night]. It’s for a CD of cover tracks and it sounds fucking terrible. Why can’t bands learn when to simply go gentle into that good night?

0:15.. Okay, so we’re back, and Stalker Butterface confronts Big John. She had a hat made for this whole thing! She’ll sleep on the floor! Please! … Now, they don’t show the scene where she actually gives him a blowjob, but since he’s letting her in, and that’s how rock skanks typically get past bouncers, we all know she blew him, right? As far as she’s concerned, though, it’s just destiny: “It’s meant to be. I was meant to be here.”

0:18. So Bret’s gonna hang out with all the girls for the night, trying to get some one-on-one time. The girls don’t seem so interested in actually getting to know him, though: “God, he’s like the hottest rock star ever. Yeah, I wanna fuck that.”

0:19. That high-pitched dumb blonde from before just dropped this wisdom on us: “He’s tan and he’s blonde, and we probably look like brother and sister a little bit, but that’s hot.” Actually, I’m kinda shocked there hasn’t been an incest reality show yet. Hey Fox — gimme a call, let’s put a show together!

0:21. So the evening started with Bret doing a photo shoot with each broad. And they are broads. Even the ones that aren’t butterfaces are mostly hideous because they’re so plastic and trashy and dumb and just … man alive.

0:22. Okay, I really don’t need to hear Bret talking about how hot and horny and ready to explode he’s feeling. I don’t.

0:23. A chick with big fake tits just called another girl a whore because the other girl flashed a titty, and the one with the big fake tits just feels sorry for her. Pot. Kettle. How you doing?

0:24. We’re back to commercial, and I have to apologize, because I realize that all I’m doing now is little more than spitting out quotes or paraphrasing quotes. But what else do you do with a show that has literally no substance, instead choosing to just give you Bret Michaels and 25 bimbos? Anyway, for this next segment, I’m not going to take any quotes or notes, and will simply check back in when the next set of commercials hit. And we’ll see how that works out.

0:28. The show’s not back yet, but I had to interject again. What the hell is this? “Mission: Man Band.” Four former boy-banders trying to make magic happen again, by forming a new boy band? Holy hell, kill me now.

0:29. Okay, the show’s back. See you soon.

0:36. Well it’s the next commercial break, and I don’t have shit to say. Bret started meeting the chicks. He made fun of one for being brick-stupid, but he was ultimately okay with it because she’s hot. Stalker Butterface got really drunk, and the other girls ganged up on making fun of her because they don’t like her. Anyway, I’m gonna have to go back to taking notes. When I just watch with no distraction, it’s like watching my brain cells literally pack their things and move south for the winter. So we’re going back to the meticulous quoting.

0:41. Bret: “When I saw this girl, I just thought ‘completely hot, nasty, rock ‘n’ roll sex.’ I thought ‘whass going on.’” And for her part, said girl says that since she’s a Scorpio, she’s ruled by her genitals.

0:43. I just can’t get enough of these dumb chicks calling other dumb chicks dumb, and being worried about getting dumber by hanging out with those other dumb chicks. … I think my brain cells are going to be able to get a wicked awesome group discount for their flight to Florida.

0:46. And there’s the diabetes! I was wondering how long until Bret brought it up. Halfway through the first episode. Nicely played, sir.

0:47. There’s some drama brewing because Stalker Butterface said some vulgarity. Dunno what it was, but folks are getting a little riled up, and someone might get slapped coming up here pretty soon. Come on, somebody slap a bitch.

0:53. Well, we’re post-commercial, and there’s more yelling, but no bitch-slapping, dangnabit.

0:54. Brett is talking to the one chick who, so far, I actually almost kinda like. She’s actually pretty cute, and I even dig her pink hair (her name is Jes, but with that hair, it should be Jem — remember Jem? She was kinda hot!). I hope Jem doesn’t blow it by turning out to be just as bad as the rest, but I suspect the odds are against her on this one.

0:55. Oh, huhrm. “Don’t threaten me with a good time,” the title of this episode, is a Stalker Butterface quote. So I guess the episode titles aren’t going to be a play on Poison titles but, like “The Amazing Race,” quotes from the episode.

0:56. So Jem still seems okay, so far. At least, she didn’t make an ass out of herself. But I don’t know that I’d really call her “okay,” because she’s on this show, and I think that categorically excludes you from the “okay” classification.

0:57. Stalker Butterface is giving Bret a lap dance, to the chagrin of one of the Brandi’s (have I mentioned that there are two Brandi’s? Of course there are). Brandi is just desperate for some time with “her man,” and this is pissing her off. So she informs Bret and the viewers at home that “being a slut was way last season.” …Is that a rule along the lines of “no white after labor day”?

0:58. If you had asked me, before tonight, how many types of stupid there are, I would’ve said three, maybe five. But I now realize there are soooo many different and varied types of stupid. It’s actually quite amazing — there might be a good doctoral thesis buried in here somewhere.

0:59. Oh for fuck’s sake. VH1 has a new show coming up called “The Pickup Artist,” which features this douchebag, who calls himself “Mystery,” trying to help losers score with girls. I know about “Mystery” because I read the ludicrous book The Game, which is all about these supposed pickup artists. What the hell will VH1 put on the air next?

1:00. Actually, I know exactly what VH1 will be putting on the air next, and I’m fucking up in arms about it. But we’ll save that for my Wednesday morning round-up.

1:06. So Bret says that, in terms of what he’s looking for, he basically wants a girl who can deal with his partying and whoring ways. Why didn’t they call this show “Rock My Cock” instead of “Rock of Love?”

1:07. Man, I am almost feeling bad for Stalker Butterface now, because she’s just so drunk and messed up, and folks just keep on railing on her and railing on her, and now she’s crying and everything.

1:09. Okay, I’m over it. Big John just threatened to toss her out, again, and she responded with the “don’t threaten me with a good time” line again. Poor stupid, drunken Stalker Butterface.

1:09. Bret: “The heaving, well-implanted breasts, caught my eye immediately, and I knew that we were going to have a strong spiritual relationship.” See, Bret, you can’t make a joke like that when you say such shit, in earnest, in other parts of the episode. If it was even supposed to be a joke. I can’t tell with you.

1:11. Elimination time. Six girls are going home, and they’re all so jittery and nervous. It’s so sweat.

1.13. Shit — the best laugh of the night, and I can’t even properly share it with you. So the first girl Bret keeps is “Rodeo,” who’s a bit manly and muscular. And there’s this tall foreign chick who doesn’t like Rodeo and doesn’t want to be compared to Rodeo: “Seriously, why you gotta do this? Dude, if you pick me, I’m gonna feel like you’re actually comparing me to Rodeo. And I ain’t no man.” The thing of it is, this broad (whose name is Magdalena), sounds like a dude from the Bronx. By far the manliest-sounding of any of the gals.

1:15. Oh yeah — Bret asks every girl, “Will you stay here and rock my world?” Hilariously stupid.

1.22. Wait, what? Stalker Butterface didn’t get the last pass? I’m actually a bit shocked that the producers didn’t make Bret keep her for another week or two because she’s just so much ridiculous. … I hope she doesn’t stab him.

1.23. Hot damn! The producers totally stepped in (I assume) because Stalker Butterface is staying anyway. She gets no pass, she’s got no bed to sleep on, but she gets to stay. “How could Bret do this to us,” asks one of the other gals. Bret: “I gave [Stalker Butterface] another chance for one simple reason. I think somewhere in there was a good person, she was just wasted. I’ve been there, you’ve been there, we’ve all been there. Plus, she was entertaining.” Oh, and she just busted out her “don’t threaten me with a good time” line for the third time. I think I may kinda love Stalker Butterface myself.

1:30. I was torn about whether I’d be coming back to watch any more episodes of this show, as I don’t know if I can spare the brain cells. But fuck it — the “upcoming episodes” clips show the girls playing mud football, doing motocross, digging through slop and trash. Basically humiliating themselves in these stupid challenges for the chance to go on “special dates” with a washed-up ’80s glam rocker. And there looks to be a ton of catfighting as well. I’m so coming back for more.

And for the record, I retract my earlier sentiment — this show was infinitely more entertaining than watching concert footage or old Poison videos.

Seth Freilich is Pajiba’s television editor. He may be moving back to L.A. soon, which means he should probably get used to vapidly dumb and plastic ladies.

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July 16, 2007

TV | July 16, 2007 |

Seth is a Senior Editor and sometime critic. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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