(Shirley) "It has been said that the Bible is the greatest story ever told." (Abed) "Didn't Ben Lyons say the same thing about I Am Legend."
(The Title of Abed's Viral Video) "Filmmaking Beyond Film: A Meta Film -- My Masterpiece."
(Shirley to Abed, after hearing about his idea for a viral Christian video) "I mean come on, Charlie Kaufman, some of us have work in the morning. Damnit."
(Abed, as Jesus) "Every minute of our lives is a world premiere, and my father has bought the popcorn. "
(Shirley, to Abed) "Did you just scripture me, Muslim?"
(Jonathon to Liz) "You have so many many unsolvable problems; like your mouth. It looks somebody kicked a hole in a bag of flour."
(Jack) "I'll swing by MSNBC. I have to talk to Rachel Maddow. Only one of us can have this haircut."
(Liz) "I'd been on the toilet for so long that my legs fell asleep, so when I tried to stand up, I fell into my throw up."
(Jack to Liz) "You are the sexual equivalent of a million Hindenburgs."
It's been a rough day, but at least we're in Newark now.
(Liz) "Sorry I'm a real woman and not some oversexed New York nympho like those sluts on 'Everybody Loves Raymond.'"
That's why I brought you to the penis museum, where tickets are a thousand dollars.
(Ryan, on the idea that Andy's song about a 12-year-old singing to the President could be used as a figure-skating anthem) "I don't think they usually skate to such ... bad songs."
(Dwight, on Timothy Olyphant's character) "People can't keep their true natures hidden for long and this guy is smoldering like a tire fire."
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