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Not A Single Person Is Staying Dead: What We Learned From Last Night's 'AHS: Coven'

By Joanna Robinson | TV Reviews | November 7, 2013 | Comments ()


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Let Me Get This Straight. Magic Can Ressurrect Dead Babies And Gators And Hunks O’ Frat Boy And Charcoal Briquette Witches But It’s Useless Against Sulfuric Acid? Got it.
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Ah But She Can See Some Things No longer able to, you know, apply lipstick, Cordelia is now, it would appear, “blessed” with the “True Sight” or “Second Sight” or whatever you want to call the ability to see your husband animal banging and then murdering a poor, witless Thomas Kinkade fan.
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Do you think Sarah Paulson and Angela Bassett shared the same pair of contacts?
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But Who Threw The Acid? One thing we do know, it wasn’t Myrtle Snow. All the young girls were in the house and accounted for. Both LaLaurie and Laveau were busy with zombies. Kyle lacks the motor skills and motivation. So who do we have left? Spalding? He was suspiciously absent at the start of the zombie attack. Misty? Possibly. Though why? Patti Lupone? Dark horse. My pet theory is that Spalding threw the acid at the behest of Fiona herself. Who benefitted most? Fiona. Is she the type of person who would maim her own daughter if it helped her cause? I believe she is. Cordelia’s second sight also benefits Fiona as it rids them of the cheating husband. Did Fiona seem genuinely upset? She did. But that could be easily be guilt.
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I Know That When I Go To See Someone Burned, I Like To Stand In Perfect Circle Formation
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What did we think of Frances Conroy’s performance here? I love so much about the Myrtle Snow character and I loved the council scene where she roared a Jesse Pinkman-esque “SHE CAN’T KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH IT.” But I think this burning scene was a little…overwrought? Is that even possible in this show? I just wanted her to keep still and deliver those great frog boilin’ lines instead she was wriggling all over the place. Take your kerosene dousing like a man, Myrtle.
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Do You Think She’s Going To Stay Crusty? I mean, I’ll miss Myrtle’s fabulous witch-fro and decadent accessories, but the Darth Maul look sort of suits her. What do you think? Could she still pull off the chunky necklaces and red leather gloves as Darth Myrtle?
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Also, for heaven’s sake, show, what is the point of a horror story where nobody stays dead? With Misty fringey shawling her little self all over the place, what kind of stakes does the universe have? At any rate, kudos on navigating that gravel in those heeled boots, girl.
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Spalding, If You Can’t Take Care Of Your Toys, You Don’t Get To Keep Them Okay I suppose the exception to the “staying dead” rule is Madison. But she’s still around! Emma Roberts has to show up to the set every day and endure this plot. Side note, did anyone else think her head was going to come popping off? I was relieved when it was just the arm. I did not want to see that neck wound yawn open.
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I Would Watch An Entire Movie Of Precious vs. Zombies First of all, you all saw Fiona wipe her hands after she touched Queenie’s face, right? After she cooed some repulsively manipulative thing about “Supreme of color?” Just making sure. Secondly, this was the coolest zombie fight I’ve ever seen. Without a doubt. All the praise to the sick minds who dreamt this up.
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Supreme, Right? Case Closed. Zoe was the clear choice from the start so it makes sense that we were looking around in less obvious places. But we can’t deny the truth after what Marie Laveau said, right? That this chainsaw-wielding mini-Ash has some real power? You can still vote for Misty if you want, but I think that’s a lost cause. Given the way Zoe looked when she watched Myrtle burn, I think we’re headed for a vicious showdown between Zoe and Fiona. But what about Zoe vs. Marie? Should we just let their boyfriends duke it out? Zombie Kyle vs. Minotaur Head?
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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Queenie vs. the zombie was the only high point on the show just for the nifty mechanics of the magic. Sidibe is pretty bad and seems unable of showing emotion other than "sassy" and "angry sassy". It would be great if this show would start being horrifying or at least tense rather than campy and boring. I don't care at all about any of these characters and the writers have done nothing to make me. Calling this season disappointing is an understatement.

  • e jerry powell

    I'm not sure that Misty's not going to be more involved in Fiona's downfall at some point. Kyle may be off the map, but they still have a couple of Stevie Nicks albums to get through.

  • Uriah_Creep

    I still want to see more Lily Rabe. She wasn't a big part of Season 1, but Devil Eunice was awesome in Season 2, and her Stevie Nicks-ian witch is a delight here.

    Also, Spalding's attic looked like something out of Maguita's image collection.

  • All praise Zoe's FABULOUS witch hat in the burning scene. Whoever thought of turning fedoras in to witches' hats should get all the costuming Emmys.

  • Walt Jr

    I shamelessly want Misty Day's wardrobe from this season. Girl looks hot!

  • Dita Svelte

    Good catch re Misty's heels. I noticed that despite being witched up to the nines in the circle burning scene, even the black-clad and fabulous Fiona was wearing chunky worker boots to cope with all that muddy gravel.

  • Edwina the Magnificent

    I was noticing particularly how she was moving when she got up on the burning platform, seemed to mainly be gliding along on her toes. As someone who usually looks like a drunken toddler when lurching, er, I mean "walking" in heels, I was impressed.

  • Parsnip

    I loved Spalding spraying air freshener, nice touch.

  • Was anyone else expecting Zoe to say "Groovy" at some point during the zombie-v-chainsaw fight? And were you disappointed she didn't?

  • melissa82

    Shop Smart.

  • Laura

    Shop S-Mart.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Joanna, you are most definitely NOT the only one who thought Madison's head was going to fall off. And the fact that i automatically expected it to happen leaves me wondering just how many scenes like that I've seen before.

    Also, Angry Chainsaw Zoe is the BEST Zoe. Last night was far more fitting a role for the talented Taissa Farmiga than the first few episodes.

    Finally, Spalding's attic. Yikes. No wonder he didn't want anyone in there.

  • Edwina the Magnificent

    I was so happy to see a chainsaw return to the zombie defense arsenal, I could have squealed. Though the amount of blood on her was somewhat disappointing. Should've been more like Carrie post-bucket dumping, less aesthetically spattered for dramatic effect.

  • axis2clusterB

    I absolutely DID squeal!

  • Edwina the Magnificent

    Also, everything about Spalding in his private time, geeew. *shudder*

  • apsutter

    They already showed a man who seems to be the acid thrower. They called him a witch hunter and I think(?) he was hired by the voodoo queen

    ETA: Frances Conroy is such a beast! I didn't know about her until I watched Six Feet Under a couple years ago but I am loving her in everything since then. She was also on How I Met Your Mother this week and she looked HOT! My roommate and I then had a 10 minute convo about how most of these shows make her look dowdy but in normal clothes she's a total babe.

  • Derreck

    I haven't seen season 2 of AHS but she looks MARVELLOUS in her Angel of Death costume.

  • Some thoughts:

    1. I'm glad that Zoe has FINALLY done something dynamic/smart/cool. If they keep building up the character this way, she'll make sense as the Supreme. But also props to Nan for being a BAMF running out there to save her man. I loved that.

    2. I'm concerned about where LaLaurie's character arc is going. Kathy Bates is doing an AMAZING job and the character is clearly intended to be monstrous. However, it seems like Ryan Murphy is taking this character to redemption which is something that could be very troubling, especially since she was a real life historical monster. It's going to be uncomfortable if the destination of her arc is "and then she realized the error of her ways and loves everyone" because that doesn't cut it.

    3. Jessica Lange was transcendent this episode. She was absolutely riveting in her scene wandering around the hospital and reviving the baby and tearing into Hank. I ate it up with a spoon and asked for more.

  • Robert

    According to a Kathy Bates interview, they have to keep pulling her back from making LaLaurie too sympathetic or too over the top. She humanizes every character she plays and she tends to go broad. I wouldn't blame Murphy for this directly. LaLaurie is a confused character, but she's evil to the bone.

    http://www.vulture.com/2013/10...

  • Bert_McGurt

    I had the same thought last night regarding LaLaurie. The modern and flashback depictions are so at odds with each other. It's both unsettling AND it seems inauthentic, though not because of Bates' performance.

  • The modern and flashback depictions are so at odds with each other.

    180+ years buried under a New Orleans courtyard will adjust your attitude a bit, I think.
    ~~~

  • Exactly! She caged her daughters and made one eat shit (though these are light treatments when compared to what she did to the slaves) and then we're to buy her remorse for how she treated those girls after one scene? It's almost glib in a way.

  • Robert

    Wildcard: Cordelia as the next Supreme. Her entire focus has been controlling the appearance of powers in public. Now that she's had acid in her face, she gives up on suppressing her abilities. She also seems to know a ton of potions that border on voodoo rather than straight witchcraft, so perhaps she's so obsessed with hiding powers so her own mother the Supreme doesn't eliminate her.

    As for Emma Roberts, Ryan Murphy let some stuff slip that suggests she might not stay dead. There's nothing to indicate that she comes back to life, but he says that she's been on set and totally game for some really wild things that are going to happen. Being played with as a doll isn't really wild by the standards of crying masturbation and hallucinogenic song and dance numbers.

  • JenVegas

    Can you come over to my house so we can watch this show together JRo?

  • Ginger

    Could you at least give a whole day before making with the spoilers in the headings and leading photos?

  • Naye

    The Dr said his best guess was sulphuric acid. So it's probably something witchy that was thrown in Delia's face. Secondly, just because Fiona concocted one piece of evidence against Myrtle doesn't mean she didn't do it. Myrtle was clearly in town when she claimed not to be, and there really is nobody with better motive. Or did I miss something? When Cordelia lied to help her mother, I really think Myrtle lost her s***. But yea everybody gets to live except poor Erin Roberts. Who did she piss off?

  • apsutter

    I don't think Myrtle did what she was framed for. It makes more sense to me that she would just be in town and stalking Fiona/trying to gather evidence against her.

  • Naye

    Im positive that's why she was in town, but i used that to point to her own untrustworthiness and obsession. And if someone that obsessed is foiled, isn't it a reasonable assumption that they would strike out at a person that foiled them? I really doubt Fiona is suffering from any guilt besides not being able to protect her child, so to me that motive is nonsense. The Voodoo ladies has zombies on the lawn, so doubtful they'd get hooded up to throw some acid. Misty, no. Patty? I dont think she's the type to venture out on Halloween honestly. The best motive goes to Moaning Myrtle. The only piece of evidence proven to be a farce was the burn marks on the womans hand. BTW she didn't cry out in pain like the others who are voodooed by Queenie. Spaulding. Why? I can't see it.
    Anyways i'm just arguing the point. AHS's shockers are usually seen from a little ways off, but it's TV, i could be totally wrong.

    It's probably the husband lol

  • Ahen

    Myrtle yelled "you're hurting me" when Fiona grabbed her wrist, the rest of the council just thought she was talking about Fiona's grip.

  • Naye

    O, okay. Missed that part.

  • simplysarah

    Emma Roberts... and if you've ever read any articles about her, she pretty much pisses off everyone!

  • Naye

    Ugghh after lunch brain. I was close lol.

  • Alexandra Breckenridge zombie, please.

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