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Network Television Really Wants You To Watch Cable: Television News

By Jodi Clager | TV Reviews | December 17, 2012 | Comments ()


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ABC has decided to let Justin Bieber executive produce, along with his manager Scooter, a sitcom based on his life. That's right! Now you can see how comedic life was for Bieber before he got famous! Rejoice in the awkwardness of teen years! Guffaw at the weird family dynamics! Feel feelings about Bieber's struggle to be a singer! Oh, man. I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Not to be outdone, ABC has ordered a pilot for a little show called How The F Am I Normal. I think, and this is just me spitballing here, that there are a group of jaded 14-year-olds making the decisions about what to call television shows now. The show names are just like the 14-year-olds: desperate to be edgy while being unable to properly express themselves.

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Anyway, Adam F. Goldberg (Breaking In) is the creator and Happy Madison's Doug Robinson will produce. The show is described as a "dysfunctional The Wonder Years set in the 80s" that is based on Goldberg's childhood.

Okay, okay. I'll give you what might be some good news. Jennifer Lawrence will be hosting "Saturday Night Live" in January. I'm sure we are all looking forward to either a Hunger Games or X-Men parody, because one of them will happen. Let's look at Lawrence's pretty face, shall we?

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Aaaand, more bad news. Dane Cook, human scrotal wart, will be continuing his relationship with NBC. Apparently Cook had a show that lasted four episodes, none of which were ever aired? NBC didn't like it, but they still think Cook is tops and super funny! He gets to have another chance at a starring role in another piece of sh*t sitcom! Hooray for failing upwards!

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HBO grabbed "People In New Jersey", written and executive produced by Bruce Eric Kaplan ("Six Feet Under", "Girls"). Jason Reitman ("Up In The Air") will be executive producing and directing the pilot episode and SNL's Lorne Michaels will also executive produce. The show is about a brother and sister living in New Jersey and doing stuff like existing, maybe eating, probably sleeping. I don't know.

AMC has grabbed British mini-series "Low Winter Sun," along with its original star Mark Strong (Sherlock Holmes), for an American version. The show will be about Strong as a detective that murders another cop and the impact it has on everything in his life. It will be set in Detroit and will delve into the criminal underworld. Sounds intriguing.

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Finally, TLC (Totally, Like, Classy) has decided that they need to gift us with a show called "Best Funeral Ever." There is a funeral home in Dallas, because of course it is in Texas, that works with families to create a themed bash/memorial service for the dearly departed. The show description actually has the words "a BBQ sauce fountain where loved ones dip a ceremonious rib to say goodbye." Dude. I mean, whatever works for your grief, but I can't see TLC keeping it very dignified, if you can have dignity while at a funeral with fog machines. What do you think? To each their own?




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Comments Are Welcome, Douches Are Not


  • Uriah_Creep

    A message from Canada: we are so, so, so sorry to have inflicted The Biebs on you. We had no idea your kids would love this little dick.

  • MikeRoorda

    I get that it's trendy and cool to hate Dane Cook, but I'm willing to openly admit the man made me laugh my balls off once upon a time 10 years ago (...FUCK) while I was sitting in my dorm room at college. The man could tell a joke, and his physical humor made the delivery that much more entertaining. It also made him incredibly easy to parody and mock. But I'm going to be honest, beyond his womanizing, my shit don't stink, yeahbro persona I really can't remember why we're supposed to hate him. Plenty of other dudes out there actually DESERVE our acrimony because of their behavior. (Stink eye to Russel Crowe, Alec Baldwin and Terrence Howard.) Once upon a time we were supposed to hate Cook because "he stole a joke from this guy Louis CK, and is now totally super famous and Louis CK isn't and Louis deserves it way more." But Louis CK has found his way to his own mountain of money, and even used his show as a means to directly confront Dane and the controversy surrounding the supposedly stolen joke.

    So I guess I just don't understand any more. I feel a level of nothingness when I think of Dane Cook. He used to make me laugh, and now is largely irrelevant and attempting to claw his way back up the pile. I guess if he, you know, is videotaped kicking a puppy or slapping a koala, then I can get on board again. At this point though, I'm willing to see what he has up his sleeve and judge it based on whether or not it makes me laugh again.

  • bleujayone

    You make it sound like one can have utter disdain for Cook but not the others. Not to worry, they're ALL on the douche liner. They may be assigned quarters on different class decks, but otherwise have no fear. If you gargle with vinegar & water, you'll have a reservation on this boat courtesy of Pajiba Travels.

  • MikeRoorda

    Aw naw. You can hate 'em. Hate 'em all!

    It's just that EVERY time his name comes up a large portion of the population (here and everywhere) immediately retorts "FUCK THAT GUY" and I can't really remember what he's done to incur such vitriol. Further, the other examples are known dicks but don't have their own respective hate brigades. I'm not saying I'm going to sign up for his fan list or anything, but neither do I feel stewing in perpetual contempt of Cook for reasons unknown is justified either.

  • strand0410

    Pretty sure all those people you mentioned have their own hate brigades for very legitimate reasons. Dane Cook has a special place here in particular, because he's an arrogant, unfunny, misogynistic douche.

    The grossness of other celebrities like Crowe or Baldwin is somewhat tempered by their actual content whereas Dane Cook is talentless, yet is somehow more successful than 99% of comedians out there.

    If he'd just slide into irrelevance, no-one would bat an eyelid. But nope, every now and then in an interview he'd boast about how many girls he bangs or something equally tasteless.

  • Bert_McGurt

    More like DONE Cook, amirite?

  • Green Lantern

    Jodi, mah dawlin', why must you be the bearer of crap news? Does Dustin HATE you or something? It's just...it's just unfair.

    I'm with Kala. Aside from the Jennifer Lawrence and Mark Strong news, the rest of those items make me want to weep for humanity.

  • Pinky McLadybits

    Them's the berries, I guess. Next Dustin will have me Real Time Reviewing Lifetime movies or some shit! Hahaha...please don't.

  • Ever actually been to Texas?

  • Anna von Beav

    The show is about a brother and sister living in New Jersey and doing
    stuff like existing, maybe eating, probably sleeping. I don’t know.

    So, it's Ben and Kate, set in NJ.

    Good job on that original programming, HBO. Well done.

  • There is a delightfully bizarre movie streaming on Netflix called Undertaking Betty. It co-stars Christopher Walken as an American undertaker in Wales who specializes in themed funerals. Need I say more?

  • Tinkerville

    Justin Beiber and Dane Cook is way too much douchiness in one post. It's a good thing you threw Jennifer in there or else it would've opened up a smug asshole vortex.

  • Kala

    With the exception of the Mark Strong news (I swear, that man gets sexier over time), nearly every tidbit here gives me sadface.

    And that header photo. Ugh. Suck down those protein shakes, Bieber. Do those sit-ups and wear your pants around your goddamn ankles. Nothing will change the fact that you look like a douchey, underage K.D. Lang.

  • NateMan

    TLC needs to be purged. Preferably with a flamethrower.

  • Mark Strong needs a goddamn break-out roll. I love his Christopher Meloni-looking face.

  • Slim

    My husband likes to suggest I have quite the crush on Mark Strong. I don't think I do but the image above makes me want to wrap him in Grandma-crafted afghan, ply him with tea and cookies, and listen to old-timey radio programs until all his angst and furrowed brow-ness melts away.

  • You can't put a price on that kind of smolder!

  • NateMan

    Oh, good call. I was trying to figure out who he reminded me of.

  • Quatermain

    I would totally go for a BBQ sauce fountain at my funeral. In my experience there is nothing like a mess of good food and quality liquor to take the edge off of grief. Plus, it'd be nice if people besides my ex-girlfriends had a reason to be glad I was dead.

  • NateMan

    In a more serious note, I've become a fan (if that's the right word) for Celebrations of Life instead of funerals. Despite the corny name, it's a lot better for everyone involved. Plant or cremate or whatever the lost person, and then have the kind of party they would enjoy. They've been held for a couple of my uncles and others, and we all felt much better and much more comforted than sitting around in a gloomy church or funeral home allows for. It is, of course, a personal preference thing.

  • Quatermain

    See that's exactly what I'm talking about. Throw a damn party. Drink some beers, smoke some cigars, talk about football and movies...all the shit we did when I was alive. I'd rather look down from Heaven and see people enjoying themselves than not, you know?

  • Quatermain

    Also, all those other shows sound retarded but Jennifer Lawrence is still cuter than a baskeful of puppies.

  • NateMan

    Jennifer Lawrence naked with a basketful of puppies... Come through for me, Santa. Is it really that much to ask?

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