"I'm Trying to Get a Hummingbird to Drink out of My Penis" and the Other Best Lines from NBC's Thursday Night Comedies

By Dustin Rowles | TV | May 6, 2011 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | TV | May 6, 2011 |


Community (Grade: A-. The summer's best 22-minute blockbuster. The lines are in no way indicative of how excellent this episode was, though. Also, all the best lines were by or about Sawyer.)

  • "He's really good looking. Like network TV good looking. And did you see those guns?"

  • "Stop trying to fluster me with your handsomeness. You're creepy."

  • "OK, Black Rider. Now let's see who's attractive."

  • "I wouldn't go to this school with my big sister's toe."

    The Office (Grade: C-, but a B for the ending)

  • "Congratulations on your one cousin. I have SEVENTY, each one better than the last."

    Parks and Recreation (Grade: A. Goddamnit: A. Honestly, a sitcom hasn't been this consistently good since "Arrested Development."

  • "The whole thing is a scam. Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards."

  • "Leslie has a lot of qualities that I find horrifying. But the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be."

  • It was personal. I would never made a business call. You know that."

  • "Nursing? You must be so tired. And sad."

  • "Pawnee is, and always will be, a dirty little nightmare in which you'll never wake up."

  • "Would you like to borrow a mirror? Or a self-help book?"

  • "Take this resume and shove it into your human resources slot."

  • "Don't you dare feed that waffle to that dog to get it to poop."

  • "Garbage fight!"

  • "In my defense, I believe that assault should be legal if you're a jerk."

    30 Rock (Grade: A-. Ending the season on a high note.)

  • "Sounds like you could use a little R & R. Rum and Ritalin."

  • "Now that the popsicle has melted we got a tongue depressor."

  • "On days like this, we would go to Strawberry Fields in Central Park and kick hippies hacky sacks into the bushes."

  • "Dave Eggers and I are designing a new font."

  • "Oh noble sheep, we eat your babies. We use your brain to fight off rabies."

  • "If I start screaming in my sheet. Do NOT wake me up. I will attack you."

  • "I'll cancel the sitter tonight. I'll tell him he doesn't need to come and sit on us after all."

  • "Can I borrow a cup of sugar. I'm trying to get a hummingbird to drink out of my penis."

  • "What's your handicap?" "Uh, well. I don't have one myself, but I do like a girl with a limp."

  • "God, are you punishing me because my hair is better than yours?"

    Get entertainment, celebrity and politics updates via Facebook or Twitter. Buy Pajiba merch at the Pajiba Store.

    This Week in British TV: The Television Aftermath of the Royal Wedding | What I Didn't Expect When She Was Expecting: That Her Pelvis Would Open Up Like the Jaws of Life and Squeeze Out Life

  • Bigots, Trolls & MRAs Are Not Welcome in the Comments


    The Pajiba Store

    Privacy Policy