“Midgets, Manskanks and Thugs, Oh My!”
“I Love New York 2” / Stacey Nosek
TV Reviews | October 10, 2007 | Comments (49)
Here’s an interesting bit of trivia — I believe my first association with this very website was when Dustin linked a quasi-review I had done of the original “I Love New York” on Pajiba Love. Despite my obvious enthusiasm for the show — he commented that it was a contender for the “worst idea for a television show.” So I’m not sure which bit of irony that I find more delicious — that ten months later I have since infiltrated Pajiba and am now reviewing “I Love New York 2” for the site, or that “I Love New York 2” exists in the first place. If by worst idea for a television show actually meant that it was so ass-kickingly awesome that it warranted a second season, then by all means!
At any rate, I’m sure at least a few of you out there are wondering just who the hell this woman is, who vaguely resembles Janice from “The Muppets.” Trust me — your confusion is completely justified. To provide some much needed exposition: first came “Flavor of Love,” the Bachelor-style reality show starring the once reputable hip-hop artist/ubiquitous VH1 staple Flavor Flav. Contestant “New York” a.k.a. Tiffany Patterson, made it to the final elimination only to be spurned by the fickle Flav. Unsurprisingly, Flav and winner “Hoopz” didn’t end up living happily ever after, and so we got another season of “Flavor of Love.” Because New York was a borderline certifiable lunatic and made for damn entertaining television, they brought her back mid-way into season 2 only to again make it to final elimination and again be rejected. But all was not lost for our beloved heroine, and because VH1 knows how to turn a buck faster than you can say “Vaseline and menthol cigarettes,” it was only a matter of time before “I Love New York” hit the airwaves. Well, all hail the quick buck — because “I Love New York” was, without a doubt, the most wonderfully spectacular television show in the history of reality television. I cannot stress this enough. Much like the big bang theory, it was as if all the forces in the universe were perfectly aligned to give us the most trashtastic, ridiculously entertaining group of freaks and miscreants ever to be assembled on film or otherwise. When it came down to it, New York had to choose between “Chance,” the ghetto thug wannabe whom she was overwhelmingly drawn to — or “Tango,” the “Ninja Turtle Motherfucker” as nicknamed by Chance. To her lesser judgment, New York chose the latter suitor, who proposed to her in the finale and messily dumped her on the reunion show.
Annnd, that just about brings us to where we are today. Poor New York. Girlfriend just can’t catch a break, as she tells a psychiatrist in a painfully rehearsed opening segment than kicks off the premiere of “I Love New York 2.” On the upside, at least she went and bought herself some big old fake titters since last season — and now she’s got a brand new crop of manskanks to flaunt them off to! This season is a bit different, however. In addition to the cast of men VH1 invariably picked up outside of pawn shops, liquor stores and all male nude revues, this time New York also gets to choose from five online fan picks, and five suitors that her crazy-ass mom “Sister” Michelle Patterson ostensibly rounded up from Gentlemanly Suitors Monthly. Or, as New York says, her mom had the “ardacity” to bring out her own “Momma’s Boys.”
Right off the bat, it seems that this cast is somewhat lacking from the first season. The nicknaming ceremony — in which each suitor presents himself with a nickname that New York and her mother can either accept, or reject and assign something infinitely more degrading — goes off with a fizzle. In fact, the most exciting part was waiting to see if New York’s right bosom would break free of the corset it was inexplicably being harnessed by. But in all fairness, matching the greatness of the Season One cast would be akin to asking VH1 to recreate the Sistine Chapel. One exception is notably Midget Mac — an actual little person. Kudos to VH1 for being the groundbreaking network to incorporate a midget into the cast of a reality dating show, despite his presence being solely to belittle him in every way possible. I personally think that Midget Mac is adorable, and New York agrees — although she kind of loses me when she speculates that Midget Mac may have magic powers like a Leprechaun. The repugnant Sister Patterson and her Freddy Krueger nails are naturally horrified by Mac, and she proceeds to channel all of her energy into launching a bitchface vendetta against him. In one uncharacteristically poignant moment, she tells her daughter that she’ll be a “laughing stock” if she dates a midget and New York kind of sadly states that “they all laugh at [her] anyway.” Aww.
[If this were a real time review, this would be about the part where we go to commercial break and I tell you about the commercial spot for Sean John’s new fragrance, “Unforgivable Woman.” But since this is not a real time review, you’ll have to insert your own “P Diddy is lame” joke here.]
The nicknaming ceremony concludes with Sister Patterson only minimally offending the rest of the guys — comparing one to “Magilla Gorilla” and reporting that her “third eye” told her that another (the top internet pick) is a pervert. Well, that makes sense — they did find him on the internet, after all. The gang moves on to a mixer, which is really just a thinly veiled attempt to pump enough booze into 20 guys to inspire fisticuffs or otherwise lewd behavior. So it’s no big shock when one suitor who bears a resemblance to the Tasmanian Devil actually starts licking New York, that another tries to entice the fair lady by divulging his peener size, (a tactic that’s not entirely unsuccessful) or when two others exchange heated words right in front of Sister Patterson.
The premiere finally culminates with the first elimination ceremony — Midget Mac is suspensefully the last to be picked although we all known damn well he’s not going anywhere. One suitor who does get eliminated is a well-dressed former Pro Football player — clearly, New York regards traits like “success” and “class” as her own personal kryptonite. Based on the premiere episode alone, I’d have to say I’m kind of lukewarm about “I Love New York 2” so far. Luckily enough, the preview montage for the coming season tells a different story, with physical altercations aplenty — and what’s this? It looks like New York’s knight in shining neckwear will be rejoining the cast mid-season for another shot at the fair maidens hand! The sight of Chance on my TV screen brought me tons more ludicrous, senseless joy than something like this ever should — but what the heck? I’m a hopeless romantic at heart, and dammit, Chance and New York just belong together, OK? Go ahead and laugh — but those who did not root for Jim and Pam shall cast the first stone.
Stacey Nosek is a television columnist for Pajiba, and lives in a quaint little town in rural Pennsylvania. You can also visit her blog, Litelysalted.
Comments
Posted by: TK at October 10, 2007 12:59 PM
Jesus, someone please take the keys from Stacey before she kills us all.