"I Call Forks ... Food Rakes" and the Rest of the Best Quotes from TV's Thursday Night Comedies

By Dustin Rowles | TV | April 22, 2011 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | TV | April 22, 2011 |


  • (Ravishing "Glee" in 30 seconds) "Sing sing sing-a-ling ding-dong."

  • Feast your ear-tongues on these memory pops."

  • "Harrison Ford is irradiating our testicles with microwave satellite transmissions."

    The Office (A-; The return of the Dundies was occasionally funny, very cheesy, but fuck it: Kind of great.")

  • "Why is it the people who say something is 'like crack' have never done crack?"

  • "Yes! I love banter. But I hate 'witty' banter."

  • "The diabetes award goes to Stanley Hudson! Come on up here, you sick bastard!"

  • "I was hoping it would be more like Godfather III, that wrapped up the whole franchise in an extremely satisfying way. Instead it's more like Godfather I, which was very confusing and had, like, three big laughs."

  • "Yeah. OK. Well, this is going to hurt like a motherf*cker."

    Parks and Recreation (Grade: A-. B+ for the dating subplot. A for the cooking challenge.")

  • Would you like to talk outside my van?"

  • "Zerts are what I call desserts. Tray-trays are entrees. I call sandwiches sammies, sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers. Air conditioners are cool-blasterz, with a z. I don't know where that came from. I call cakes big ol' cookies. I call noodles long-ass rice. Fried chicken is fri-fri chicky-chick. Chicken parm is chicky chicky parm parm. Chicken cacciatore? Chicky catch. I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks ... Food rakes."

  • "I love Food 'n Stuff. It's where I buy all of my food ... and most of my stuff."

  • "This tastes as good as Beyonce smells."

    30 Rock (B. A great 22 minute episode stuck inside a 42 minute one. But congrats to "30 Rock" for 100 episodes).

  • "It's not rape if neither party really wants it."

  • "The only thing I want latched to my fun bags are celebrity DJs."

  • "Hey look, Tracy Jordan is ironically reappropriating his bad past behavior as a commentary on Fitzgerald's dictum that there are no second acts in American life."

  • "Be like Michael McDonald and take it to the streets."

  • "All pregnancies are hysterical. They're started by penises."

  • "That's crazy. A man named Elia?! That's a giraffe's name."

  • "Tonight, TGS will not be the worst thing on television. It'll be John Stossel!"

  • (Jack, channelling Alec Baldwin) "Do TV and no one will ever take you seriously again. It doesn't matter how big a movie star you are, even if you had the kind of career where you walked away from a blockbuster franchise or worked with Meryl Streep or Anthony Hopkins, made important movies about things like civil rights or Pearl Harbor, stole films with supporting roles and then turned around and blew them away on Broadway. None of that will matter once you do television. You can win every award in sight. You can be the biggest thing on the small screen, and you'll still get laughed out of the Vanity Fair Oscar party by Greg Kinnear. Tracy, your career hit rock bottom the first time you decided to do 'TGS.' You want it to hit rock bottom again, go on network television."

  • Hanks!

  • "Endangering the lives of hundreds of people for a show that TV Guide once called, 'Still on.'"

    Archer (B. Good, but not really season finale good).

  • "Oh, wait. Please tell me you're into Rush."

  • "This deuce ain't gonna drop itself."

  • "It's OK. It was just cancer sex."

  • "I quit drinking for her ... just that one. Scared if I stop all at once the cumulative hangover will literally kill me."

  • "What part of 'I'm a cyborg' are you people still not understanding."


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