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How Nick, Jr. Just Set Feminism Back 40 Years

By Lord Castleton | TV | January 15, 2015 |

By Lord Castleton | TV | January 15, 2015 |

This week we were treated to the debut of a new Nick Jr show. Little Charmers is apparently the preschool targeted girlcentric companion to their boycentric smash hit Paw Patrol. It’s the answer to the question: “What if the JonBenĂ©t Ramsey parenting cabal wrote a TV show?” I watched the premiere with my four year old and I was seriously astounded. What a complete bucket of insulting, wrong-headed shit. It was kind of amazing how awful it was.

Wanna set feminism back forty years? Because this is how you set feminism back forty years. There was nothing charming about this threesome of “spellerinas” or “potionistas” or whatever the hell they call themselves. Episode one, part one: The girls try to make their own prince from a frog. BECAUSE WHAT’S THE POINT OF BEING A GIRL IF YOU AIN’T GOT NO PRINCE, Y’ALL? My God! Episode one, part two: The girls try to unlock the magic of a plain dress, so it meets up to their high fashion standards. (Target audience: K and Pre-K, remember.) When the dress doesn’t seem to initially comply with their big, pouty eyes they say “accessorize it to disguise it!” And millions of little girls across the country immediately made world peace their second most awesome goal. Obviously, properly pairing fingerless gloves with your lip gloss tint is next to saintliness and godliness, but maybe the pilot episode should have also included just a smidge about elective labia laser surgery. Y’know, just to completely destroy our collective future.

I’m not saying that Little Bitches won’t appeal to certain sectors of the population. Pedophiles, for one. It should be a huge hit with them. People who jack off to animated horses will probably dig it. But that’s pretty much it. And listen, I’m not saying that the creators and writers of this show should be executed by firing squad. I’m saying they should be shot into space. Because I can’t believe anyone could be this lost and tone-deaf and willfully stupid. Look at the dad, for christ sake! Suspenders over a skin-tight sweater vest? I mean, that’s basically what Dustin wears every day, but come on! I like how mom keeps it tight, though. Mmmmm mmmmmm mmmm! That’s a fine-lookin’ woman. I know tons of moms who just bum around the house in their pearls. She’s got her hair pulled back but you know that if you could Ocean’s Eleven the bobby pin in that bun she’d get all freaky naughty. It’s like the on-switch for a sex robot. Quiet rivers run deep, people. One look at the cranium size on the Little Bitches and you know that mom’s been through some shit. If you could go to Nick and read her diary I bet like 40 percent of it would be about how hard it’s been to reconstitute her pelvic floor. I can’t wait to read the fanfiction on mom’s backstory, especially the chapter where she wonders why her husband takes so many “fishing trips” with “the guys.” In short, everything about this show is completely realistic. Right down to the core-value concept that anything can be achieved through Charm.


Lord Castleton is a staff contributor. You can follow him on Twitter.

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