October 17, 2007 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | TV | October 17, 2007 |


All right, I’m going to try this again, recognizing that last week’s effort was largely a failure. I make no excuses, and I tip my hat to the TWoP folks, who make this look much easier than it is. And if I bomb again, I may have to fire myself. Here goes:

The “previously on” rehashes the same bullshit we’ve already tread on before, namely that Meredith and McDreamy are kaput but still double-backing, that Dr. Burke is gonesies, that Callie suspects George is having an affair, and that Blondie is pathetic, self-involved, and insufferable. God, what a miserable fucking show. Only 18 more episodes to go!

The Plotlines

This week’s theme is “Truth,” and the opening song that accompanies Meredith’s nasal-fisted narration is from Feist, who I actually liked until Apple turned her into an iPhone whore and crammed that goddamn song deep into my brain’s gullet. “One … Two … Three … Jump up my ass!” Anyway, all the interns are doing a jizzle dance over George, who they don’t realize is repeating his internship, so they think he’s, like, Mary Katherine Gallagher or something.

Meanwhile, the requisite elevator scene features McDreamy and Meredith staring around awkwardly like someone just let one rip, which raises Christina’s suspicions — she now realizes that Meredith isn’t telling her that she and McDreamy are still doing the pelvic stab because she doesn’t think that Christina could handle it, on account of Christina being a fragile goddamn flower. So, Christina decides to fake wilt and extract sympathy favors from Meredith.

Elsewhere, Blondie is looking for George, ‘cause she wants to know if George told Callie that he is quitting her. George gives Blondie the head shake, indicating that he has not and that Callie is in hot pursuit (insert Roscoe P. Coltrane snicker here).

Meredith and McDreamy, meanwhile, are zipping up before going back to work — why is it that nobody calls out anybody on the hospital sexual shenanigans? Intercourse is messy, and there they are doing it in the freakin’ supply room. Why is this not a concern? Where do they put the sheepskin when they’re finished? Sex is not sanitary, people. You can’t go splashing around your body fluids in a hospital. Somebody is gonna slip and hurt himself, and then where will we be? (Sadly, I’d say: Season 4, Episode 12).

Schnikey’s! Lorelei Gilmore’s Dad is the new intern! His name is Norman. Fucking hell — I may actually watch this entire episode. Alex feels weird about being his boss, what with Norman being ancient and smelling like adult diapers and arthritis. The two of them are assigned to a teenage kid who has word salad (he blurts out jibberish statements). His mom thinks he’s on drugs, but the teenager tells her to buzz off. Drug tests are ordered ‘cause Norman believes the Mom, cause he once had a kid who lied about smoking trees and because Norman is a daffy old man. Jesus: I wonder if Edward Hermann hates himself a little for taking this gig?

Elsewhere, the Chief and McSteamy are tending to a chatterbox with cancer of the tongue. McSteamy recommends a “free flap” to correct it. A “free flap”? Kinky! Oh wait — that means removing skin from her leg and attaching it to her tongue, which is kind of gross. Can you imagine tasting the back of your thigh for the rest of your life? Apparently this procedure will make it so that the Chatterbox won’t be able to talk anymore. Shame, that, what with her being so charming and loquacious.

And, finally, the remaining subplot concerns “Really Old Guy,” who has been comatose for a year or so, and whose room everyone uses to eat lunch in because it’s quiet. Turns out, Really Old Guy was only semi-comatose, which he reveals to them when he wakes up and announces that he’s going to die today. Blondie, who is still pathetic, self-involved, and insufferable, laughs Really Old Guy off, telling him that she won’t let him die on her watch. $50 says that Really Old Guy buys the farm today.

And those are this week’s subplots. And rather than recap this show minute by minute, I’m just going jump straight to the conclusions.

The Conclusions

Superstar George: At the end of the episode, while Meredith is giving her goddamn wrap-around narration, Alex bursts George’s bubble in the elevator and tells all the interns that George is a repeater. Alex is a major ass taste. And you know what? He is quickly becoming the only character on this show I can stomach anymore, because at least he’s not completely obsessed with himself emotionally. I mean, Christ: In a hospital full of gossipers, how did the interns not realize that George was a repeater? His freakin’ wife is the Chief Resident. And why in God’s name would George let them believe this? I’m beginning to think it’s because, deep down, George is kind of a douche spigot — he sleeps with women who are not his wife and allows everyone to believe he’s hot shit, when in fact he’s just cold piss (thank you fourth grade insult manual). George: You’re officially on the “Grey’s Shit List.” Alex, you get to join Bailey as one of the two characters I can tolerate.

Richard Gilmore and Alex: The teenager’s word salad gets so bad he starts rambling about throwing pancakes into the river. Further tests reveal that his brain is swollen. Alex, who coddles Norman most of the episode because he’s old and because he doesn’t want to yell at a grandfather, eventually snaps and puts Norman into his place, and then saves the day by poking a needle into the teenager’s eye and draining some fluid. Yay! Long sharp needle and brain fluid. (Damn: Did I just say ‘Yay!’ This is what “Grey’s” has done to my mind — I’m starting to get a little word salad myself: There’s a plunger in that guy’s soup! Vey.)

Chatterbox and her Cancer Tongue: The Chief and McSteamy decide, in order to prove that they’re not “old dogs,” that they will perform an experimental surgery on Chatterbox, removing — not skin from her leg — but nerves, so that she may continue to speak. Since it’s a risky surgery, before Chatterbox enters into it, she tells her gal pals that they have fat asses and bad breath, unloading that from her chest in case she loses the ability to speak. She wants those to be her last words — that’s fucking Jefforsonian, people. Thanks to McDreamy, who steps in and rescues the operation, Chatterbox is able to speak afterwards, though while she’s recuperating, her gal pals take the opportunity to get some things off their chest, namely that her husband is ugly, her hair sucks, and that her ex-boyfriend’s comb over, like this show, is travesty to humanity.

Really Old Guy: After waking up from his coma, Really Old Guy tells Blondie that he’s been listening to everyone’s conversations for the last year, so naturally he’s in a position to tender advice to Blondie. Unfortunately, none of that advice includes removing her scrubs and taking a header off the hospital roof. Instead, she tells Blondie that George is never going to tell his wife that he’s leaving her, because if he hasn’t yet, he never will. Blondie believes him, doubts George, and then throws a fucking hissy fit, typically revealing how goddamn self-involved she is when she starts whining, “You gotta tell your wife, George. Please oh please oh please. Pay attention to me! Pay attention to me!” And George, finally works up the nerve to tell Blondie to go fuck herself. “There is no ‘we.’ I’m the one that has to tell Callie. I’m the one that has to destroy her … you have to back off and let me do it.” Good for you, George.

I want to throw my television out the window.

At another point, Really Old Guy, who wants to die, actually does, but Blondie saves him, which pisses Really Old Guy off. Where was the freakin’ DNR? If you want to die, old dude, fill out the form and check the box that says, “Let me go into the light.” Anyway, near the end of the episode, during the pansy white boy rock song, while his back is to her, Blondie begs Really Old Guy to tell her what to do, and begs him not to go, because she wants him to pay attention to her! her! her! her! What she doesn’t realize, because she’s so goddamn wrapped up in her own problems, is that Really Old Guy is actually Really Dead Guy, which totally bums her out. So, a few scenes later, she has an impromptu service over his hospital bed and, of course, makes his death all about her. “He’s dead! He’s dead! But what about me? And Denny?” Eat a dick, lady. Let me ask you folks something: Are the writers actually trying to make Izzie Stevens look like the show’s villain/awful person, or is it that I’m just perceiving it that way? In other words, what does the average moronic fuckwit think of Blondie, besides that she has a decent cup size?

George and Callie: Callie spends the entire episode moping because Shonda Rhimes couldn’t stand the fact that she had one strong female character on the show that didn’t allow a man to dictate her moods. So, Callie completes her downward spiral, morphing into just another whiny, self-involved character in a show full of whiny, self-involved characters. Yay! for pathetic doctor chicks! Can we do something about this? You know, if she pulled out a six-piece and starting mowing down interns, I’d respect her more than I do know. It’s really absurd. Anyway, at the end of the episode, poor miserable Callie makes George tell her the truth: “Just say it,” she says. George obliges and tells her that he slept with Blondie, a moment very much like every other moment in this episode in that it doesn’t ring true in the least.

The Merciful End.

Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He lives with his wife and son in Ithaca, New York. You may email him, or leave a comment below.

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50 Percent Shorter and 44 Percent More Coherent Than Last Week's Recap!

Real-Time Review of "Grey's Anatomy" (S4/E3) / Dustin Rowles

TV | October 17, 2007 | Comments ()




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